h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* An old torture device lies abandoned in the corner of the room, it momentarily shakes as a yelp is let out... *

* A man lurks within... *

Damn Spikes !

* Somewhere within testosterone soup his brain resides in he idles away thinking that if Dennis Thatcher had had to spend this much time inside an iron maiden, he would have filed for a divorce long ago. Mainly on the grounds of him being temporarily 'barking'... *

* He feebly croaks... *

I promise to be good Mistress...

* He further whiles the time thinking and fearing the tongue lashing he might get for speaking out of turn... *

* Still, if he pushes his luck, he might just get a whip-lashing instead... *

~sound of whip cracking~

You still whining to be let out?

Hmm.
This looks much more promising.
Bloody Arthur, sent me to the wrong place again...

Oh, and speak of the devil, there he is.
Arthur, have you finished that costume for the fetish night yet?
Looking at this place makes me feel, well, not dressed properly for the occasion...

I think he's gone off somewhere to get parts for it. There's a man in an Iron Maiden somewhere over there, but don't expect him to speak to you.

*Goof enters and stands in the corner waiting to see if MASTER OF CHAOS aka GOD gets ideas above his station, or if Mina will put him in his place*

It doesn't look like he's showing up honey, but if you're not busy.....

i'm here!

What do you want first? torture or mutilation?
~shouts~
Calamity!
Where she's gone now?

She's my apprentice.
Or am I hers?

torture first. then mutilation. then death.

or we could do it the other way around.

Depends what you want to know, honey?
I can be an expert or an amatuer, whatever your requirements.
But I was assuming I was victim of the day, as I had to sign the disclaimer.
~sighs and inspects equipment~

I've got two customers then. You'd both better get in the shackles.

oh boy! shackles!

~gets into torture position~

And an apprentice, Mina.

*Standing close by, ready for instruction."

~does up the cuffs and goes and makes sure the brazier is burning hotly~
A bit of branding and hot coals to start?

Hey honey!
Take this red hot poker and do what comes naturally.

*Following at the end of a leash held by Zmrzlina. The leash is attached to a large spiked dog collar.*

*Takes red hot poker and heats the lashes of her 'cat-o-nine-tails. Flicks the heated 'cat' at BluesSlider's chest and Chaos' naked thigh.*

Thank you, Mina. I can make red hot pokers with my own heat, though.

dum dee dee

dee doo.

No trouble, don't let me get in your way.
~goes to see where Calamity's got to~