h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What is this thing about wardrobes? I know umpteen people who have used them as urinals. One colleague of mine has been in trouble with his wife on several occasions when she's woken up to find him standing in the wardrobe having a pee.

I remember once coming out of a pub, unlocking my bike, setting off cycling down the road and suddenly realising that I was so drunk that I had no idea of how to control it. I just kept pedalling in as straight a line as possible, and the first time I braked I simply came to a stop and fell off sideways.

Oh, that brings back memories.
One time a heavy drinking session, I proceeded to unlock the bike only to find out I was having trouble operating the lock. This mainly because I was using the wrong key.
Finally I manage to open the lock, I jump on the bike and start cycling down the street. I manage to go about 10m before I realize I'm so drunk I can't possibly cycle two kilometers. I somehow, miraculously even manage to stop and get off without falling at all, and start walking down a perfectly good, straight asphalt road with my bike. The problem was that the road was only about 3m wide, so in my inebriated state I manage to stagger over to the very edge of the road and fall into the ditch, which contained a rose bush.
So there I am, lying in a collection of very, very sharp thorny things with my bike on top of me and my foot somehow stuck into the chains.
Doubleplushurtful, I might add.

I've also:
-Stuck the wrong end of a cigarette in my mouth and proceeded to light the filter.
-Been invited to play cards after drinking copious amounts of 60% "Pohjanpoika," and after I was dealt the cards I found out that I had no idea what we were playing and no idea what cards I was holding since I held them with the backside facing myself.
-Started speaking with the bartender in English (not my native language as some might have guessed ) for no readily apparent reason.
-Had a conversation with someone who wasn't present at the time.


Ouch.

I parted company with the bike one drunken night at the very bottom of the Clyde Tunnel. Despite many valiant attempts, I couldn't get back on the bike and get it moving because of the steep slope, and ended up having to walk out of the tunnel.

Later that night I went into a restaurant for a carry out and ordered a chicken chow mein. The waiter had to tell me that I was in an Indian restaurant.