h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I was 18 and had just started working, my older male colleges took my out drinking. We drank some at lunch time, then after work and then continued at one of their houses.

I feel asleep on the sofa as they played cards. I awoke the next morning to find one guy at the base of the sofa, in his boxers. Next to him was his jeans is a soggy pile, strange I thought.

When I asked him about this he told me that I had got up in the middle of the night, taken out my '3rd leg' and proceeded to pee on him! He of course woke up straight away and said to me "If you don't stop that I will punch your lights out", I replied by saying "It's okay I have finished now" and went straight back to sleep!

Of course I have no memory of this, only what he told me.

A friend of mine got out of bed in the middle of the night after an evening on the lash, proceeded to the wardrobe, opened the door, stepped inside and peed all over his wife's clothes.

I once wet myself after a heavy session, but couldn't be arsed to get out of bed first. Fortunately, this was before I was married. I thought I'd been sweating profusely, but the smell told me a different story.

I had a friend who used to do this regularly after a night on the lash, but with a twist... he only would get up & pee on potted plants.
We never figured what this was all about & probably never will.

The reason is quite simple: like canines, humans - the male variety anyway - are programmed to p**s on trees and bushes in order to mark their territory. And the more we drink, the more we get in touch with our primitive instincts.

My mate Scotty once p****d all over Glen's toaster and microwave, the dirty get is still using them!

Adam you complete git. That is not true. The truth is that he wazzed in the fridge, the sandwich maker, the deep fat frier, the toaster and a bunch of top quality bread. The unfortunate scott was forced by me to clean up his filth in seconds or decapitation would indeed follow.

And yes Adam, I am still using them. In fact I was going to ask you if yourself and Rachel fancied coming round for Dinner?

Was he not electrocuted? I once threw a jug of water over a toaster which had caught fire and was told by my wife-to-be I was a complete tosser as I could have been fried. But I had a plastic jug in my hand - if you p****d into a toaster, surely you have a continuous stream of lecky-conducting water connecting the appliance to your precious flesh. Or am I barking up the wrong Russell Hobbs?