h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*GB and the Judge discuss, for the benefit of the jury, various issues of Good and Evil in general, and their application to the specifics of this case. Kes relaxes and listens, knowing that the jury has already made the link. Apart from throwing in an occasional comment, Kes is happy to let the debate take its course.

*Kes listens to the arguments, while tickling Defence cat under the chin. The usher passes him a note - a note smouldering at the edges. Defence cat hisses and ducks back into her bag. Kes rises and catches the Judge's attention.*

Your Honour - I apologise for this interuption. I have been asked.., well summoned .. to take urgent instructions. Please continue. I will return directly.

*Kes bows to the Judge, then follows the usher into a side room.*

*An odour of brimstone; a dull red glow from the corner. Kes is ushered in; the usher retreats, closing the door as he leaves.*

You asked to see me?

L: "I sent for you".

No, you don't command me. I choose to see you - and to hear you.

L: "You need my assistance".

With respect, I will choose my own assistants. I was appointed by the Court - not by you.

L: "If you want Peaceful to get her $1M, you must win. I can ensure that you will win."

*K hesitates, then replies:*
I accept that you could ensure that MK is acquitted, but if you help me to do that, then I don't win - I lose - so does MK, unless we win fair and square.

L: "As you wish ......... but are you certain?"

*Kes nods*

L: "I know what you want ...... I know what you have seen ..."

*Kes looks sideways*

L: "All those possible universes that you saw - all those outcomes.
I could ensure that you meet Lydiard again ... if you wish .... or that you share wine with GB .....pleasure with ddgb .... a wealthy life with PE .... adventure with FC .... you may choose whatever you desire."

You are too late. I have already made my choice.

*The room glows a brighter, less controlled, red.*

You didn't know, did you? .... and you have overlooked something. In another possible universe we have met before. You don't recall, do you? Let me remind you. In that world, a different case was "won", but two lives were captured on a piece of paper, and left to die slowly on a table in a lawyer's office. ... Ah! I see you remember now - too late. I never forgot.

L: "If you lose ..."

If I lose, or if I win, it will be by my own efforts.
Excuse me, my client needs me; the Court requires my presence.

*Kes returns to his seat. The cat nods.*

*Tweetie looks down from the bench*

Tweetie: "I take it there are no more witnesses for either side?"

*GB and Kes nod.*

Tweetie: "Then we move straight to closing arguments. Does the prosecution wish to go first, or second?"

*GB looks at the returning Councel with some concern....
What was that smell?
And why was the court cat bristling like that?
"Welcome back, my learned friend, now, may we resume this case? I have to be, er, I have another rather pressing appointment...."

I will close, your Honour!

*Kes nods his head towards GB, and signals with crossed fingers for her (out os sight of Judge and defendant. He takes a drink*

GB turns to face the jury of kangaroos.
They twitter amongst themselves.
GB walks up and down, a slow pce, her hands clasped behind her back, Perry Mason-style.
Creatures of the Jury, you have all heard the facts of this case.
However it is my duty to remind you of those facts...but I will be brief, as I have a rather pressing engagement....
M.K*, the defendant, set up the whole Poco Island adventure as a scam. He let beguiling people sign up, tempted them with untold riches, gathered up sponsor money, even initiated the arrival of Gargle Blaster...THEN swanned around all day like he owned the place, flirting with MANY women...
*kangaroos mumble and twitch
Then he finished the adventure early, THEN he arranged a get-away boat THEN he bribed a Bank official {very unbelieveable, I know...} of course we did manage to capture him after he took flight, and I hope you jury members have forgotten the farce with the Devil, when I thought that was M.K* in disguise....but I digress.
M.K* is GUILTY of all the charges that have been made against him! AND it has come to my attention that he also stole an undisclosed sum of money given to him for safe-keeping by one of the Survivors, Miss Peaceful Earthling!
*kangaroos "ooh" and "aaar", look directly at M.K* and nod their heads.
*GB smiles as her words take effect.
She turns and looks at Saint Kes, who suddenly looks very sad...
Concerned, she turns back to the Jury....
I will finish my closing arguement now, members of the Jury, you know what you have to do....
Thank you for your rapt attention, may I say you have been the most wonderful Jury that I have ever performed in front of, and I hope we have the pleasure of meeting again,
*looks at the court clock
~swiftly continuing~
I certainly would like to come visit you, anyway, where is it you live? Australia? Oh, well, I'll get there some day, I'll look you all up! And the sugar lumps will be on me!
The kangaroos jump to their feet simultaneously & cheer.
Tweetie slams down her gavel and shouts: "Order! Order in my Court!
Have you finished now, Prosecuting Councel?"
Yes, your Honour, I have....
*GB looks at Saint Kes, still looking sat, still staring at the floor...
Thinks: He looks a million miles away....I wonder if he's in another universe?
*GB sits back down
Tweetie: Would Defending Councel like to close now?

*Kes stands, pats the Defence cat, and looks round the Court room, establishing eye contact with each of the Survivors. He pauses to take a swig from the whisky bottle, the begins his closing argument:*

Your Honour, Counsel, members of the jury ...
My Lord, the Lord of the other place (I know you're listening) ...
and my friends.

Look at the symbol on the rooftop of this building. Justice. For justice is what we are debating here. Justice - blindfolded, with the Sword of Punishment in one hand, and in the other - the Scales in which the evidence is weighed. Right now, all of you can consider the evidence. The jury over there represents all of you - they make the assessment, and voice the view of ... all of us. If they agree that there was crime, then the Judge decides the nature of the punishment.

In my closing speech, I am talking to all of you - the Survivors, the jury, and your Honour, the judge. Please listen carefully. It is important that you understand.

The prosecution has clearly established that the plaintiffs - the Survivors, as they are known, have suffered at the hands of my client. You may feel sorry for them - I know I do. Indeed, it will not have escaped you that I count myself among them, even though I did not survive the Island.

*He pauses to look again at his friends*

What do these Survivors deserve from us? They deserve to have their lives put back to rights. They deserve to have their suffering and pain ... deleted. They deserve to have Good triumph over Evil.

That is at the heart of this case - Good overcoming Evil. I earnestly hope this Court can achieve it.

Unfortunately, we are actually standing on a different page. This Court does not represent Good, or Evil. It represents Justice. The judgement it delivers will not even be Justice - it will be The Law, and the enforcement of that judgement will not even be the Law - it will be Punishment.

So, when you consider your decision, I ask you to remember that your ability is limited - limited to being able to punish - or to choose not to punish - the defendant. What good will that do the Survivors?

What good will it do us - as Society? What good will it do the defendant?

Think about it - he had a plan to flee the island with riches and a choice of beautiful women. He has alientated most of the women; and one of them has vanished with the money ... leaving him with nothing. I suggest that it may be the most appropriate punishment to release him - into an environment where he owes a great deal of money. The Court has it in its power to annexe all his future earnings, until the debts are paid. He could end up running a hotel for the rest of his life - in Torquay ... or Esher. The women he spurned have it in their power to make his life miserable.

Can you think of a better punishment?

*Kes pauses for effect ... and more whisky*

*The jury are considering this carefully - as carefully as only kangaroos kan.*

I have no right speak for the other Survivors - prosecuting counsel has done that.... but as one of the victims, I can say that I would rather have Good overcome Evil - even though that will take time. I don't want revenge - I want peace. To give the Survivors revenge is to give them an extra load of unhappy thoughts to carry with them. I suggest that this would please Satan greatly.

*Kes turns to the Gallery, as the exit doors swing in the wake of someone's rapid departure, wafting a thin trail of suphurous smoke.*

I saw you there, Prince ... I heard your thoughts. Take them somewhere else!

Now - Judge and jury - consider what outome will be for the best. By all means, let the Court compensate the Survivors, but with your verdict on the defendant, you can also give them the potential to forgive, rather than avenge. It's time to close this down - it's your concern now.

The defence rests.

*Kes takes his seat, looks round the Court once more, then whispers something to the cat. Only the cat hears. It nods.*

* PE had been sobbing into her silk handkerchief

beautiful!

*Kes turns round to the public seats, and consoles PE with a pat on the knee and an only slightly second-hand tissue hanky. In doing so, he has hidden the cat from MK's view.*

There, Peaceful. It's almost over. Only the verdict, and then the judgement. There, there.

You think justice will be done?

Will he understand the verdict?

Will we???

Is there hope for MK???

Judge Tweetie looks around her courtroom.
"Will someone please lock that door & not let that foul-smelling being in here again!"
*looks around again
"Are we all finished here now? Only, there's a PGGB waiting for me at Foxy Manor"
*the court usher whispers in her ear
*Tweetie nods....
"Will the defendant please rise...
The Jury is asked to retire now, to consider their verdict"
*the kangaroos jump around excitedly....
"In the Jury's room, please!!!" Tweetie shoos them out.
Saint Kes flops back into his chair, almost bowled over as Peaceful rushes from the public gallery and hugs him tightly.
*GB looks at the embrasing couple and turns a rather fetching shade of green....

Possibly, Yes, No and Maybe - in that order.
The first step is to let the jury consider their verdict.
Would you like another tissue?

*Kes swings round again, his flowing gown providing cover for cat's return journey to the bag ..... *

Ready, your honour - apologies - I was distracted by a couple of ... er, yes.

*Kicks MK to his feet*

Yes - ready.

The cat slinks back into the bag, with something in her mouth ...*

* PE is lost in wonder - finally, everyone would be free of the ordeal

* she could only smile with happiness and hope,

* it couldn't have been better...

(Whispering) GB ... pssst GB - are you OK? You've gone a funny colour.
Listen - if I get held up here after the judgement - do me a favour and take the cat homw ... best leave her in the bag - you know what she's like. OK?
Gosh - it is a funny colour?