The Prez Elections: The Celery and Ms. Webjello
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
Who is better able to serve as Virtual
President
than a
virtual creation?
As candidate for Virtual Prez, I first want
to take a moment to
say how pleased I am to be part of this wonderful
group of candidates.
Marv, Gw7en, Demon Drawer, Joanna, Peregrin, Bluebottle,
The Cheese,
Korn-Ball, Don Alfredo, Don Vito, Eomando, and Captain
Al Boy are all
excellent researchers in their own way, and I look
forward to their
continued success as researchers here at h2g2.But they have one serious drawback. They are
researchers. They
are subject to the whims of their ISPs, their jobs,
their vacations...
their real lives. On the other hand, for Ms. Webjello
and myself, h2g2
is real life! We are here to serve the h2g2
community 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week. Since we live here, we also have
the vision to see
the threads that bind this community together in a
way no other can.
Let us serve you.
-- The Celery
About the Candidates
The Celery
High above h2g2 orbits the h2g2
Space
Centre. It was in the Biome on the Space Centre
that one of the
most notable of sentient plants, The Celery, was created.
Right from the beginning, the Celery had a strong
sense of justice and
duty and soon became a spokesman for the more downtrodden
members of the
Biome community: the grasses and mosses. After winning
a campaign for
more 'Do Not Step on the Grass' signs, a wave of grassroots
support
swept him to power as Biome Chairman. Under his even-handed
governance,
the community thrived and the Biome was a safe place
to put down roots.
Due to his popularity, his rule would have continued
indefinitely, had
it not been for unfortunate unsubstantiated rumours
of a scandal
involving various combinations of peanut butter, cream
cheese and
cheez-whiz. The allegations were never proven and
were categorically
denied by The Celery, but he nevertheless decided
that for the good of
the community, he should step down. After a sorrowful
resignation
speech, he appealed to the workers from CLI to take
him to their labs on
h2g2, to remove him from the site of his sorrow. Of
course, the CLI
employees complied and provided a home for him in
their fridge.
While in the fridge, The Celery again rose to prominence,
this time
organizing the loose society he found there. It was
there that he met
Dolores Webjello and saw her political potential.
Dolores A. Webjello
Ms. Webjello is a purely internet-based entity, spawning
not from the
locale of h2g2 only, but from web applications worldwide.
Recently
acquitted of the wrongful web-connection-slowing,
DNS-error and
alabastering charges (the blame being rightfully placed
on British
Telecom and wonky server hard drives), and having
successfully completed
a refresher course in loyalty training at Crater Labs,
Inc., Ms.
Webjello has the connections, tact, experience and
skill required to
serve as a liaison between the h2g2 Community and
the lnternet as a
whole, investigating and hopefully solving future
page errors and access
problems.
Ms. Webjello brings a strong, though sometimes wobbly,
personality and a
record of -- ah -- experience to the campaign.
The Celery's Preliminary Position Statements
h2g2 is a place that spans nationalities,
cultures, and even
galaxies and dimensions. The Celery is a proponent
of Pan-Culturalism
and Universality.He is in favor of stronger rights for h2g2
creations.He will fight for stricter regulations on temperature.
He believes in the importance of continuity
in h2g2 forums, and
will work to protect continuity while encouraging
the incredibly diverse
and imaginative locations all across h2g2.He is in favor of good manners.
The Celery supports the efforts of the italics
in
improving forum structure at h2g2, and will work with
them to encourage
open and easy communication between all h2g2 entities.He is appalled by the blatant pandering of
some of the other
candidates, offering tax cuts and entitlements. Politicians
of this
type are the ones who will charge you for a drink
which should be free,
just so they can take credit for giving it to you
at a 10%
discount.The Celery believes that anything is possible
at h2g2. For
example, he comments on a recent encounter on the
campaign trail:I was talking to a researcher the other
day, and she
asked who I would appoint to replace John Lennon in
a Beatles reunion if
I was elected. It occurred to me: Why should we be
satisfied with such a
pale substitution? This is h2g2, where anything can
happen, so why not
bring back the real John Lennon and have a proper
Beatles reunion? If
elected, I will strive to make this happen, and to
begin with, I will
work tirelessly for the creation of a 'Strawberry
Fields' garden in the
Municipal Park.
Imagine!
Why don't you stop by our campaign headquarters
and see how you can
be part of a true virtual movement!
