h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Deep below the rest of the cantina, at the bottom of a "disused" bunker, behind a small red door marked "broom cupboard", past the laser-tripmine-guarded doors and long coridoors painted white, lies...


....the special ops facility....


walls lined with weapons too evil to go even in the armoury, the cantina special ops facility is the most impregnable fortress in most of h2g2. Unknown territory to even the baddest, nastiest, most evil of the cantina's staff, the special ops facility is frequented only by a few.

The elite.

The quick.

The silent.

The deadly.

The cantina's very own special ops mercenary team.

We work for those to whom our allegiances fancy from week to week, wreaking a trail of silent destruction eloquently, disappearing in a flourish of black and a cloud of grey smoke just before anyone seems to find us.

We work for who we want. We work when we want. We work the way we want. We do what we want.

Venom walks in the red door, after hacking the security system with his Palm, pops out his motorized scooter to get past the endless corridors (d*mn those are long), wanders into the not-so-impregnable fortress and reads the backlog* Oooh, sounds fun! Might I join you?

Hey, look Njan, it worked.

*evil grin*

(this is where the "custom" in "custom-built plasma rifle" comes in) *Venom pops the rifle barrel off, flicks a switch, and his signature Kill-O-Zap plasma rifle becomes a very effective Kill-O-Zap plasma handgun* I don't like evil grins, and I don't like it when people say things like "it worked". Makes things sound like traps. *puts his hand on his teleporter control*

Does the word "decoy" mean anything to you?

*the computer sits smugly, knowing that it swapped all of the internal components of Venom's electronic equipment for putty as soon as he began to enter the facility*

*puts away his plasma rifle and takes out soemthing not-so-electronic, a club* Think ur so smart huh? Well then... *the Hitchhiker's Dream II, sensing the cutoff of his signal, is currently monitoring him with a long-range microphone, waiting for any signal from him.* Get me out! *The HD2 uses it's internal teleport to get Venom aboard, then blasts into an abrupt hyperjump back to the hotel*

*a hologram appears* [holo-Venom] Oh and, BTW, you're buying me a new plasma rifle. That one was EXPENSIVE! *hologram flickers out*

Gosh, these people do react badly to practical jokes, don't they? He didn't even actually check you had swapped them for putty. Which you hadn't, of course.

yeah. And after all of the displacers and effector fields that we've got in place, if we'd really have wanted to stop him, his ship'd have been neatly disassembled and reassembled by the Incorrect Catachresis in the centre of the nearest sun.

Ah well. Some people.

*Venom, who has of course been listening, notices that his plasma rifle, which is his best weapon, is not putty, nor his Palm or his teleporter, nor his backup computer, nor even his watch, and so he sends down one of his holograms through the sub-ether* Ok, I'll remove that IRS audit statement from your Inbox, and take that nasty mortgage off the cantina. If you want to have an elite force, expect them to react as soldiers, or commandos: NOT JOKING!

Nonononononono! This was a decoy to distract peoples attention away from the real base. And, you see, it worked. So chill out. We didn't mean it personally. Have a beer.

*accepts the beer and hopes for a teleport to the real base*

Ummm...

*looks embarrassed*

It's already been compromised...

A spec. ops facility disguised as a rocket testpit......very well......

Nononononononono! A rocket testpit disguised as a special ops facility! But yes, if you want to use it as a specops base, you can, but you'll need to install a security system that isn't dummy.

nono. This is the real base. That other one was just a cover, you see.

*smug smiley*

No-one outsmarts me.

*humms quietly to himself, playing with the planetary lasers which protect this base*

*looks around at the apparant cardboard flimsiness of the props around him and smiles up at the knife missiles in the ceiling*

......very clever.......a rocket test pit disguising a dummy covert ops facility that is actually a real cover ops facility............

Yes, well, you know what Njan and I are like...

Devious as... very devious people...