h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are two people behind the counter, one of whom is fiddling with a very large xm-42 particle cannon. "There you are", he says.. "now, if anyone fiddles with your ship, the cannon won't explode on firing. A creature hitherto unnoticed, in the corner of the small shop enquires "And that would happen if one were to be set up as that one was?"... "Oh yes, definitely" comes the reply. The small creature takes his (fixed) cannon over his head, like an ant with a piece of leaf, and runs off (almost as if he was worried about something else)

"Can I help you?" asks the man, who is wearing a badge that says "Krans". An explosion rocks the shop, and another man walks through from the back of the shop, blackened, followed by a cloud of acrid black smoke that seems not to affect him, and wearing what seems to be an amalgamation of military uniforms from across the galaxy, a pair of black sunglasses, and with tied back hair. "Yes, it works", he says, holding a very large plasma cannon which he hands to the creature you believe is called "Krans". The second creature appears to be wearing a badge that says "Njan", but you're not quite sure, since half of the badge appears to be holding some of the plasma cannon together.

Krans looks at the plasma cannon.

"Ah, right... yes... can you clean the oxidisation off now? Guns look a lot more intimidating when they're big AND shiny."

*Njan starts cleaning*....oh... c**p... Krans.... wasn't that a full bottle of plasma-base acid on the bench? *Njan looks at a broken bottle on the floor*

*Would pull out hair if he had any*

Do you have any idea how that happened?

No... bt may I suggest a course of action?

Yeah... I suppose so. As long as it doesn't involve use of unnecessary force.

Ooops, sorry typo. I meant to say, as longas it involves the use of unnecessary force. 'pologies.

Run.

*dives through large, heavy door marked "Emergency Use Only"*

*watches with horror as Krans plunges into a thick steel door*

*pushes the OPEN button*

*walks through, taking Krans with him*

*Comes round*

D'oh! I knew I should have fixed the automatic opening mechanism!

*room explodes just as Njan slams the door shut*

Oh dear, oh dear.

*takes out something that looks suspiciously like a rather antiquated Psion 3 personal computer and types away on it*

... Right... ok... parse that.. and route that through that... quantify... no, b****r off, compiler. Right, yes, do that, and reroute that. Now. Assign some memory... *still typing*... damn no, wrong command... uh.... memory assignation of 4... yes, prod. Right. That should work.

*takes out a small cable, plugs it into the psion, and patches into the (non-functional) door control mechanism*

There, fixed it. Oh, that and I rigged my computer into the armoury's internal displacement defence system and used it to undo the plasma acid ever having been knocked over. The bottle itself, I threw into one of the larger bays in the BigC's spacestation. What he's doing with it now, I don't know, but there's a largeish bottle of rather explosive plasma acid upsidedown in midair in one of the bays.

*njan grins and walks back into the - now pristine - lab*

I got it to do all of today's work, too. *gestures at the racks of pristine, fixed, optimised weapons*

*Looks around*

Er... Njan...

*Looks worried*

Um... where's my holocube? You know, the one that has all my weapons designs, sales records and blackmail material? That was on the desk by the plasma acid?

*looks around and sees a small ewok running off with it. Proceeds to dive through the air, unholstering his Thompson Contender Pistol from behind his left leg. In the space of half a second, loads a single 7.62mm round into the pistol, takes aim, and fires, just before neatly rolling as he hits the ground, and starting to run in the direction of the (now winged) ewok. He drops the pistol, and draws a smaller, more managable pistol, which he points at the ewok, after having travelled most of the 25m distance between him and the creature, and yells "FREEZE!", to which the ewok follows order and drops the cube, which njan promptly picks up. He then says "You have exactly 5 seconds before I empty the clip of this handgun in your direction". By the time he's finished talking, the ewok is gone, and the holocube is returned to Krans*

happy?

*Dives through the door dragging Arl with him, and yells:*

Activate maximum security: authorization A23GX7 Krans Jorrel Hopeson!

*The door slams, another blast door closes behind it, and large laqser cannons slowly lower themselves out of the ceiling*

*Krans drags Arl over to a robotic medical station, and puts him on the couch, then runs over to a wall that is completely covered in weaponry*

Right... need guns...

Computer, execute defence protocol Z95 Alpha.

*computer bleeps*

*walls humm and a large green energy field forms on the outside of the cantina*

*female voice*... total cantina shutdown. Maximum Security protocols Implemented. The Cantina is now under martial law. Please leave via the nearest monorail.

*black-clad security guards escort all personnel out of the cantina, and all of the ship bays are transferred to the orbiting GSV, where their owners may still have access to them*

*Njan walks over to a wall with a Ché Guevara poster on it, and rips the poster down, revealing a small key pad. He types in a veyr long string of numbers, and part of the wall slides away, revealing a large console, which he sits himself down at, powering up the cantina's defensive systems*

*computer voice*.. plasma cannons, online. Defence matrix sensors, online. Automated scanners, online. Biometric sensors, online. Biodisruptors, online. Displacers, online. GSV weaponry tie-in, online. Security force robots, online. Armoury lockdown, in place.

Right. *turns ud screensaver on*

*grabs a plasma cannon from on the other wall and straps an ammo pack onto his back*

Playtime's over. Let's kick some a*s.

*suddenly, without warning, arl begins to talk. but not in his voice. it is UH's voice*

Hello cat fools! I am a ddummy! We fooled you! We played with your minds! Arl is still with the ACF! Next time dont try one post solutions I will self destruct in 5 seconds

...THREAT...ACQUIRED...ELIMINATING...

*Krans dives out of the way as the laser cannons vapourize the dummy, severely damaging the med bot. Some servicing drones automatically start repairing it.*

Bugger... back to square one.

*Krans lifts a Groslov Fully-Automatic Morning Star Hurler(tm) off the wall. The slogan on the side reads "Decapitates in one shot - your money back if not completely decapitated".*

*Krans attaches it to his jeep, and then ties a bandana around his head, picks up a machete and a minigun, chucks them into the passenger side of his jeep, checks the armoury security system again jumps into his jeep, and roars off into the distance.*

Technically, we said we grabbed Arl, not that we grabbed the sack... therefore, that does really mean we have him...




*grabs a Corellian battlepulse rifle off one wall, a pair of colt .45 1911s off another, an M79 off another (which he slings, along with a bandolier of grenades), and a DSR-1 off another, which he throws in the back of a speeder. He then proceeds to grab several laws, which also go in the back of the jeep, a gatling cannon, which he slots onto a bracket on the front, and a pair of automatic M61 grenade launchers, which he mounts on the back. As an afterthought, he picks up a pump action shotgun and throws it into the shotgun seat, along with a large crate of explosive*

*Njan grins*

*Njan jumps in the speeder, and two engines emerge from the back, transforming a relatively sedate little pleasure craft into a vicious-looking black instrument of death. A canopy slides across the top, two plasma cannons appear out of the side manifolds, and the vehicle speeds off into the distance behind Krans*