h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Saturn Girl is wondering where the heck she is in this whole mess, since your boys grabbed her and "saved" her when taking Arl away to your secure place....*

*Njan briefly reappears*... here, at the moment. Feel free to get kitted out, there's some fairly nice stuff hereabouts. *hands you a corellian battlepulse rifle model K*.. I'd suggest one of those.

There's space in my speeder on the shotgun seat back on the beach, if you want to get back into the fray... then Krans and I'd both have full vehicles. Your choice?

Hmmm... I've never been one for guns... *hands back the corellian battle pulse rifle model K* I prefure bladed weapons, and my natural assests. Unfortunately my current outfit on the beach leaves no room for weapon consealment Could you stash a pair of jeans, a black tank top, and my knife in your speeder? I'll probably hop in there soon... my distraction tactic doesn't seem to be working Only UH has noticed me... the rest of the mutts are ignoring my long legs. D*mn. Well, I'll knock off UH and join up with you soon.

*does so, and adds a beautiful pair of throwing knifes and a large samurai sword, for luck*

The Armoury Catalogue is now at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A638453 - can you please add a link to it on the Cantina page, Njan?

If you think of any wierd and zany weapons - e.g. exactly not like the Correlian BattlePulse Rifle Mk 74 - tell me about them, and I'll add them to the catalogue.

*Doikk wanders in and looks around, pausing when he sees the plans for the morning-star hurler lying half crumpled on the desk under a layer of remains of 'tested' guns*

I could do with some thing like that, pity there's no-one here.

*A hologram of Krans appears*

I'm sorry there are no sentient life forms here to serve you at the moment. However, I can assist you should you sich to purchase off-the-shelf weaponry. What would you like?

You got anything conventional, chunky, and which packs a big punch, oh and preferably fully automatic with a nice big clip?

*Krans himself appears down a lift from the roof, and, failing to notice Doikk, immediately grabs some tools and starts building something that looks like a vehicle. He is muttering through griited teeth*

Grr...first they blow up my... and then they go and chuck my... and then my brand new... what a bunch bunch of... grrr...

*growls*... blew up my damn solid light hologram. *curses*... Artenshiur... grr... time.. .dilation... *growls*

*throws a large shotgun at Doikk*. Have this. 60-round dual-curved clip (plus two spare 7-round reserve rod magazine) non-dependant gas-blowback-operated dual-barrelled XM1014. One barrel's loaded with shotgun shells, and one with Sabot, but you can put 12-guage grenades and CS gas and all sorts in it. It came from the solid light hologram. I don't want it.

*starts building something big and long and black that looks like a weapon*... power couplings... *walks over to power couplings, takes them all, welds them on...*... capacitors... *walks over to capacitor cupboard*... no... *opens hatch in floor and grabs a set of dilithium-charged x-220 capacitors, designed for emergency hyperspace jumps when cruisers run out of power*... *welds them on the side and connects them up*

hmm... *grabs one of Krans's AK-MSs and rips it apart. Adds trigger assembly to the weapon but with electric relays, to give some style to the thing*... *spray paints the handle and stock black*

Right.

x220-powered, ion charging randomly polarized time-dilating irony-enabled displacer-functioning appropriate death engine.

I like to call it... the lazy gun...

Oh, for ****'s sake Njan, you take this all to seriously!

*Finishes building a sleek, stylish and, for some reason, green and orange striped, jetbike.*

*Notices that Njan has used his special capacitors*

Oy! They're mine! I was saving them for my latest invention! I hope you're going to get me some replacements?

*Chucks the jetbike onto the lift, wanders over to a cupboard marked "Anti-Dog Weaponry Systems - Cats Only", and pulls out a De-Furring Gun, and a Flea Grenade.*

*Krans jumps onto the lift and ascends back to the roof.*

Njan, can you add a link to the Armoury Catalogue (http://www.h2g2.com/A638453) to the front Cantina page?

And if you write a short bit about the "lazy-gun" for the catalogue for me, I'll put it in...

OK... ...erm... ...I think I'll take the shotgun and some accessories, let's say... ...erm... ...about 5,000 catridges, 30 CS canisters, 10 phosphorous grenades, 10 flea grenades. oh, and can I have a couple bone bombs with proximity detonation.

And do you have anything small, concealable, long range and accurate, I know it's a bit of a tall order but...

Do we give him credit?

Will you require a bag to put all that in, sir?

Yes please, a nice strong, lined, black roll bag to go with my black boots, combats and trenchcoat (see "The Matrix").

Can I pay in cash, please?

*Reaches into trenchcoat and produces three large wads of notes*

Will that suffice? No of course not, I forgot service charges.

*produces another two wads*

OK?

*Krans wanders in, dumps a pile of weaponry and a trenchcoat on a table, and then walks across towards the holographic sales assistant and turns it off.*

*He takes the cash and counts it*

Sorry, only £5000 here - the bill is...

*taps calculator*

...£8000. Come back when you've got some more. Oh, BTW, we're not a sports shop. Bring your own bags.

*Kicks hologram computer.*

Sorry, do you take Visa Cards?

No. Debit only.

Direct Debit?

Will... *pulls out large card wallet and flick through it, and finally pulls at a shiny plastic card (like the rest of them) and waves it at Krans* ...this do?