h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr. Dreadful:

Which is more sanitary, considering all factors: washing your hands before or after urination?

Sincerely,
Shagrath

While not a qualified agony aunt / uncle can i just comment that during could be an option as well.

Dear Dai,

Get Sky Plus, and when you have report back to me so I can decide whether it's worth getting it for myself.

Make sure the Irish Blonde or the French Maid don't hog the remote... it'll be girly programmes from here to eternity otherwise.

Dear Shagrath,

***Genuinely Useful Advice Alert***
Washing your hands before urinating is technically more sanitary as urine is sterile when it leaves the body, if you urinate with unwashed hands there is a (very, very, very) small chance of the germs from your hands getting into your urethra and casuing all kinds of problems.
However, urine stops being sterile pretty quick (plus it smells) so washing your hands afterwards is also a good idea.

That's what I thought!!! Thanks for agreeing with me.

It has always been a boy thing - going out, getting trousered, regaling chums with tales of derring do and sizing up the available totty before falling over in the gutter. But afterwards, in those quiet moments back at flat share with chums in a similar condition, the conversation always turns to the age old custom of "Lighting Farts". Pray tell Mr D, what is the proper protocol for this ancient english custom? Ladies first? Clothing on or off? Shave or not?

Confused Student

Dear Confused,

As traditional etiquette dictates you should always let the ladies go first, they may refuse and look at you disgustedly but this is simply because they are trying to be coy.

You should wear sturdy clothing made of natural fibres when attempting this delightful after dinner trick, it may filter out some of the gas but will also protect you from any 'backdraft'.

Dear Mister,

My name Olga and I erotic dancer from Big Larry’s. We have new fangled polecats to rub and I tell the weasely little runt who do da cleaning to maka sure my cat is clean or I cut his technicals off. Between you and me I no think he gota very mucha downa der as he makes with the mincemeat walking you know. So I thinka dat maybe he spikea my polecat cos now I have da biga itch on my you know where an when da lights out it sparkle and twinkle. You answer Olga eh, do I castigate dat little worm Albert and wota stopa da itcha eh.

Olga Press
Cubicle 4
Big Larrys Polecat Paradisea

Dear Ms. Press,

I would advise against castigating Mr. Ross as he is well known as the best polecat cleaner in the west and your problems will be much worse if you do anything that might make him leave his job.

For the itch I would recommend refridgerating your underpants and lightly dusting them with custard powder before putting them on.

We took your advice Mr D and let the ladies go first which was all very amusing until we got to Kelli. Now I am not casting aspurtions or nothing, but Kelli is a bit of a big girl and when she lit hers, it fair shot a clear 6 feet across the room igniting the bed covers and curtains. It is still going, and while the others are toasting marshmallows over the flame, I am left trying to put it out.
Just thought you should know that.

Confused Student with a blackened face

Dear Confused and Blackened,

Sorry to hear that. If you ask Santa nicely he may get you some new bed clothes.

Oy Dreadful,

Are you that agony bloke wot advised my girls to put custard powder in their thongs. Well I give you bl**dy agony ya dim wit. Not a lotta people now this but my girls work themselves into a right ole lather when they gets themselves goin. That’s wot the punters expects and my motto is to give them wot they pays for, aright, gottit. Well at least wot they thinks they pays for. Like dem Dyke Diggers they’ve bin cumin back every year for their charity night out.

So the girls get goin, big Olga given it loads out front like when all of a sudden like gallons of bl**dy Byrds custard all over the bl**dy floor. Wot a bl**dy mess. Polecats all gummed up, punters sliding on their backsides and AND wots more I’ve got Health and Safety and the Food Police all over the joint. I’m sendin the boys around with the collecting tin. So don go owt we knows where you live and remember it’s the season of goodwill. ps a coupla grand should coverit, like.

Big Larry
Purveyor of Quality Exotica
Big Larry’s Polecat Paradise

Dear Big Larry,

The money will be underneath my doormat in a brown envelope, along with a recipe for apple crumble.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Thank you for the advice, the girls seem a bit happier as I put it in this morning and both of them seemed satisfied with the service, and the ability to repeat the highlights seems to be a real bonus.

It does seem to be a short term solution as both seem to want more andd more and I dont possibly know how I can keep up with their demands.

Should I go for sea grass on the lounge floor or stick with the polished floorboards ?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Overall stick with the polished floorboards. Get a seagrass rug to put under the coffee table.

Yours,
Mr. Dreadfullewellyn-Bowen

Dear Mr Dreadful,

WA, Albert, Olga, Big Larry and MacRoss wish you and all your readers a Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year. The gang is off to Rabbi Burns country for the festivites. See ya next year.

...............................................................

Dear WA, Albert, Olga, Big Larry and MacRoss,

Merry Christmas.
Hope the haggis don't bite!

dear mr dreadful
i havent finished my christmas shopping yet. what do i get for my brothers fiancee?
yours poor student

Dear Hnicky,

Socks.
If you're really strapped for cash wash some of your own and repackage them.