Christmas Poetry Competition
'A Vogon Christmas' Entries
A Vogon Finds a Lump of Coal... by Quizzical
A Vogon finds a lump of coal
in his boot on Christmas morning...
'What's this, then?' he snarls.
'Who's the !*#*[email protected]!! clown?'
But the proof is in the (Christmas) pudding.
He takes a taste, then chomps it down.
For the rest of the day, he glares
blackly at the rest of the crew.
They envy him his black teeth.
They're mad and jealous — what to do?
So they turn the ship upside down
eating anything that's black:
wires, flooring, insulation, walls —
they're spitting nails and chewing tacks.
They strut around the mangled ship
with sooty incisors and dirty drool.
The commander sees all the black teeth.
It's a mutiny, he thinks, and being no fool,
He executes the lot of them.
It could happen, so here's a warning
should you find a lump of coal
in your boot on Christmas morning.
The ways of aliens often puzzle:
one Vogon's prank is another's treat.
De gustibus non disputandum est,
so better think twice before you eat.
Have Yourself a Very Vogon Christmas by Demon Drawer
Robins toasting on the open fire
Jack Frost crushed beneath your toes.
Vogon construction work lets you shout
'Merry Christmas!' before you explode.
For we wish it could be Christmas every day.
Only if the birds stop singing and the Children turn to clay.
We wish it could be Christmas every day.
Just let the death rays ring out for Christmas.
Geltz the green eyed Vogon
Wrote the most appalling prose
And if you ever heard it
You would crinkle from your toes.
All of the other Vogons used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn't let poor Geltzie join in any Vogon games.
Then one foggy Christmas night
Geltz has an idea
Why don't I go out tonight
And blow them all away
All of the other Vogons
Never saw the dawn again
Gletz was the last one standing
And rose to become Captain.
Do Vogons Do Christmas? by Vice-Mistress Kat
A Vogon Christmas is the cry I hear
To celebrate the moment of the year
But do Vogons celebrate in Crimbo cheer?
I have to make a pause there I fear.
Do Vogons sit around the fire bright
And sing and talk into the night
Waiting wrapped in bed so tight
For presents to fall into sight?
Do mummy Vogons cook the feast
Hustle family to hear the priest
They must take the time at least
To hear the local poetry artiste!
Alas alack I do not think
That Christmas hides that Vogon stink
And so I have to put into ink
The great world Vogon hoodwink!
Christmas is for celebration
Giving thanks for God's creation
And though they orbit in their station
I don't think Vogons will join the nation.
We'll knock back drink and finely dine
Breaking open last year's wine
And without Vogons do just fine
For their poems we don't have time.
A poorer use of the sacred word
I have to say I've never heard
I hope you will not think me forward
To not invite their barding lizard
I prefer not to dine in fear
Of losing part of each ear
For Christmas is a time for cheer
Besides they might eat Santa's best reindeer!
Vogon Yuletide Dirge by Lucky Star
Oh sherried trifle wibble-wobbling
Jostling by the pies of mince
Pudding rubbing grubbily in my
Chubby stubby tummy
Oh dreamy creamy whipping sipping
Gluggy groggy gluhwein
Dribbling moistly o'er my chins
And raining drainy-stains that pain
Me to remove and prove
That Dash is whiter
White is dasher
Black is bleakly blocking boney
M on telly, turgid smelly
Festering 'neath the fetid mistletoe
And oh, woe for though I know not who
Will do the sloppy slurpy kiss upon
My slippery lips, I lick them now and dream
Of someone green
Still Searching for the Heart by Pinniped
Drunken people, lecherous people,
Why are they gluttonous and glowering?
Always it seems this travesty of the season.
The mall ablaze with lucre,
Fuelled by desire without need.
Around me this procession in the possession
Of base greed.
Pinioned in his manger,
His lusty lungs screaming in dank straw.
This infant's anger will rage down centuries.
Discord in store.
Surely there's a fund of Peace on Earth?
Just as surely invested in None of the Above.
Your brother's gift to you this Christmas: