Talking dirty

6 Conversations

A number of researchers have been bending over backwards in their efforts to provide us with a modern sexual lexicon.

Here are the results of their efforts.


If music be the food of love

Adagio - long slow sex up against the mantlepiece

Blondage - Atomic

Cello - sex with someone who can spread their legs wide and is good with their hands

Crescendo - wakes the neighbours

Contrapunto - 69ing in a boat in Oxford or Cambridge

Cornetto - sex with a trumpet player with big fists

Dido - sex with a good looking but extremely boring person

Fidelio - having sex with only one person

Flamenco - when the lady has a firm hold on the gentleman's castanettes

Mikado - sex at the Savoy
or in a box at the Opera House

Obligato - sex after being given diamonds

Pitzzicato - refers to plucking strings from your teeth after an oral duet

Tempo - rhythm method

Tremello - a knee trembler

Traditio - missionary position - with optional Jazz
or sex on the wedding night (sometimes with the bride)

Sex for foodies - and other linguistic delights

Bisto - doing it after Sunday lunch

Carpaccio - raw sex

Cappuccino - trendy sex, which is slightly stronger and frothier, with an optional sprinkling of grated choc on top

Day-o Day-o - something extraordinarily rude with bananas

Dolmio - sex that's pasta its besta

Delicio - finger-licking good!

Expresso - strong sex in the dark which keeps you awake and twitching all night

Flavio - doing it tastefully

Jello - sex using lots and lots and lots of lube

Korma-sutra - sex covered in mild curry sauce

Marshmallo - soft, sweet, slightly sticky sex

Meringue-a-trois - a threesome involving sweet sticky desserts

Morello - popping the cherry

Olivio - the girl that spreads easy

Oregano - smoking herbs before, during and after sex

Pollo - kinky (sex game played with the whole chicken, instead of just the feather)

Polo - erotic game played with the mint with the hole

Tango - sex so good that everyone can tell you've had it

Thai curry loving - like the name suggests is hot and sweet

Some like it cold

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-cream.

Chocolate fudge - ach, you know what this is

Lemon sorbet - golden showers

Neapolitan ice-cream - a rich and varied sex-life - every which way anyone can

Nut sundae - a weekend special, an oral ball-game

Pistachio - would be just too nutty

Raspberry ripple - sex at that time of the month

Vanilla - dull, plain sex, optionally involving with a faded 80s rap 'artiste'

Doing it by numbers

42 - sex so good you know the answer

57 - sex with lots of different varieties

66 - sex that you get kicks from

68 - same as 69, but I'll owe you one

99 - a sexual position involving a chocolate flake

Ratio - sex equally shared between partners

Films and TV sex (When Channels 1, 2 and 3 don't do it for you - try C4)

Cameo - sex with someone who has a very small part

Conurbatio - Sex in the City

Donnie Darko - In the back row of the local cinema during a particularly bizarre horror flick
or pulling one of them knife weilding, bunny boiling maniacs again...

Groucho - sex when tired and hungry

Gunner Sugden Style - it ain't half hot mum

Harpo - sex with someone who doesn't make much noise

M*A*S*H - sex is painless

Montypythonio - very silly sex

Pinnochio - sex with no strings attached

Solo - a Han job

Soprano - sex you cannot refuse

Fawlty sex

Antipasto - sex with Basil

Attentio - sex with The Major

Barcelonatio - sex with Manuel

Iknow - sex with Sybil

Shakespearean sex

Lucretio - having sex for money

Mercutio - really hot sex

Othello - sex which leaves you wanting more

Romeo - sex with a map and compass and
Right to Romeo - sex with a rambler


Caravaggio - artistic sex

Dada - artistic but apparently meaningless sex

Leonardo - inventive sex (with a left-handed twist)

Leonardo di Capaccio - inventive raw sex

Portfolio - collection of photos and drawings of people having sex

Sport and games

Barichello - Coming second

Bingo - eyes down, look-in

Cluedo - sex with Miss Scarlet, in the library, with the candlestick

Fangio - you had a quickie

Gollllaaacccciiioooooooo - shooting from outside the box

Haven't-a-cluedo - which is just really really bad sex

Lego - you know it fits somewhere....

Lotto - self explanatory

Playdo - er.... massage

Rio - Premier league footballers involved

Subbuteo - on a table using only your fingers...

Legal and political

Allegatio - saying that you've had sex when you haven't

Horatio - sex with a one armed sailor

Legislatio - sex with a judge

Macrophilia - Double-entry, copy and paste, Male merge etc

Manilla - otherwise dull sex in the stationary cupboard

Officiatio - sex on your boss's desk

Politico - landing a date with that saucy new MP of yours...

Prosecutio - petting into awful trouble for having sex with a judge

Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's er... rather nasty actually

Pit-bull-lations - relations whilst the dog looks on - also known as 'safe sex'

Dodo - sex with someone who's dead or seems like it

Fido - you've had sex but you'd rather people don't find out what it was with

Moggie style - with cream (and a lot of lapping)

Roo - sex you'll regret

Transports of delight

Aer lingus - what that charming Irish man does on the flight when he just talks and talks and talks about it

Aerofrot - rubbing up against an air steward/ess

Allegro - a quickie in a small car

Contrapunto - everywhere apart from in a Fiat

Felicia - happy sex in a car built in the Czech Republic

Galilleo - sex in a ship's kitchen

Mondeo - sex with a travelling salesman

Omnibus - sex on the way home from the pub or sex with everyone on the bus

Parsex - on a golf course

Philately - when you lick it, it gets sticky

Piaggio - sex precariously balanced on the back of a scooter

Punto - sex with five cheap Italians

Spirito di Punto - energetic sex in a small Itallian car

Twingo - every red-blooded male's fantasy

Quoitus interruptus - sex during deck games on a cruise

Medical sex

Bandage - playing Doctors and Nurses
or sex that results in you spending time in A & E

Bonio - Viagra involved

Constipatio - no, come to think of it we don't even want to guess

Itchy and Scratchio - needing to go to the clinic after indulging in too many new sexual practices

Scorchio - carpet burns in an intimate area

Stucco - time to call an ambulance!

Rockin' all over the world

In Sex Workers' professional jargon, certain practices are named after nationalities. For example, French is oral, Greek is anal and English is spanking. Thus...

American - We're gonna f--- everybody, and we're ALWAYS on top!

Australian - sex upside down

Dutch - putting your finger in a dyke....

Chinese - after half an hour you fancy more

Danish - sweet sex in the morning leaving your fingers rather sticky and crumbs in the bed

Russian - very fast sex

Such cunning linguists

Bunnylingus - a preparatory activity to going at it like rabbits

Dunnielingus - when the tongue slips into the wrong bit

Hunnylingus - particularly sticky cunnilingus

Nunnylingus - oral sex with a bride of Christ

Runnylingus - like Hunnylingus, but even stickier!

Stunnilingus - with a tazer

Sunnilingus - oral sex with a muslim

Sunnylingus - oral sex on a beach

Tunnylingus - when it tastes like tuna

Yummylingus - EXACTLY the same as cunnilingus!

Al fresco

Attentio - Knee trembler

Bingo - sex in a wheelie bin after a night on the tiles and several ales too many

Canalatio - Sex on a narrowboat

Desecratio - sex in a churchyard

Cornucopio - lots of sex, in a field

Dingo - doing it with an Australian who looks like a dog
or in a belfry

Graffitto - Having your sex life written about. On walls. All over town.

Nimbo-cumulus - sex in the rain

Pluvio - doing it in the rain

Portamento - sex in one of those new fangled bogs in which the door opens after 3 minutes or sex which results in a child being discovered in a handbag

Sanditio - sex on the beach causing the inevitable sand in the bits

Spoonering - sex that makes your dongue tizzy

Vertigo - sex at high altitude

Good sex - bad sex - no sex

Assertio - rough sex

Badinage - talking in a flirty manner about bondage

Boundover - bondage

Broadband - marks left from the above

Congregatio - where every comes together

Contrafagotto - not smoking after the deed is done

Conversatio - talking about having sex which has the following variations:
conversatio - small talk
CONVERSATIO - talking big

Dado - sex with one or both partners holding onto a rail

Elatio - sex with loads of shouting and hollering

Elevatio - Sex in a lift

Indigio - sex that makes you turn purple

Indignatio - also known as 'three faults for a refusal'

Ingratio - sex as a favour

Mendatio - pretending to like giving head

M & S - Sex you can return if you don't like it

Ownino - self-explanatory

Primo - getting down to the undercoat for the first time

Rapidious - A quickie

Solo - *ahem* self-explanitory

Sympatico - is sex with someone you feel sorry for or feels sorry for you


Bello! - beautiful sex that makes you scream

Distinctio - very good sex

Elatio - sex with loads of shouting and hollering

Geronimo - having a great time!

Inventio - thinking outside the box

Impresario - one who is well versed in the art

In fragrante delecto - wearing nice perfume in special places

Scenario - sex with role-playing

Spirito - heavenly sex

Virago - making love with a wild and passionate woman

Zorro - someone a bit handy with their sword


Celebratio - having sex only three times a year - Birthday, Christmas and Wedding Anniversary

Conventio - rather ordinary sex

Dantric - Hellish, and going on forever

Desolatio - not enjoying it much

Eureka - discovering that the gorgeous person you are having sex with hasn't had a bath for months

Guano - cr*p sex

Narratio - a running commentary during sex

Stilleto - sex that makes your feet ache after a while


Adictio - having to do it over and over and over and..........

Amnesio - sex you cannot remember in the morning

Anticipatio.... - waiting to have sex

Aprehensio - Worrying about having sex

Ex gratio - a sympathy-f**k with an old flame

Falsetto - thinking you are going to have sex, but finding out that you aren't
or sex involving dentures

Familio - when your parents bust in

Hibernatio - having sex whilst asleep

Illuminatio - sex under bright lights or sex with a member of the secret ruling elite behind all major events of the past century

Imaginatio - thinking that you have had sex when you haven't

Incommunicado - sex after a tiff

Klinky Sex - Sex in prison (aka the sure-shank redemption)

Clean sex - for when the filth is all too much

Wash'n'Go - a quickie in a Laundrette

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