h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cheerleader like peppines

That's not very peppy.

Depends on your exact definition of that smiley

*The Angels quietly seat themselves in front of the Heavenly Stage, awaiting the latest ceremony. A general buzz of dissatisfaction fills the air as it appears Big Evil Dan will be doing the sainting. "He won't put any effort into the ceremony" and "This will be boooring" are heard amongst the crowd.*

*The lights dim, as they often do at the start of a show.*

*The crowd falls silent, as they often do at the start of a show.*

*The stage explodes in a multitude of colour and sound, as it rarely does.*

*The audience is captivated by a wonderfully choreographed dance number and perhaps some of the best music they have ever heard. All are impressed by the display they are seeing, some later describing it as "the best ceremony ever".*

*Few of them are made aware of St. Peter's contribution to the show. St. Peter in fact did nearly all of the work, in exchange for--*

*The Narrator is quickly fired and replaced with one who is slightly less...complete...in his narration.*

*The show ends and Big Evil Dan flies in with the Golden Sword.*

BED: I'd like to thank everyone for showing up tonight. This is a very special Ceremony for us, as it will end with the crowning of a new Archangel. Now without further ado, let us begin. Mixed Nuts, would you...er...all of you, please step forward.

*The small crowd collectively known as Mixed Nuts steps forward. BED swings the sword in a wide arc, hoping to get everybody at once.*

BED: I dub you all Mixed Nuts, Patron Saints of Nutty Behaviour.

*Halos and wings of different size and shape appear, but as the less complete Narrator, I won't describe them all.*

BED: And of course, we cannot forget the most important part of this evening. As many of you should already know, after every twenty saintings we elect a new Archangel. Recently, we exceeded the eighty saint mark, which is a very great achievement indeed. And the latest winner of this title is --

*St. Peter walks on the stage, looking even more stressed than usual. He gives Dan a glance that seems to say "You owe me one." He hands Dan an envelope, and then leaves to get a drink. Dan opens the envelope and reads what is inside.*

BED: Saint Galaxy Babe, would you please come up here?

*GB files onto the stage looking rather surprised. BED brings forth the Golden Sword and waves it in front of Galaxy Babe. The blade leaves a trail of light in midair.*

BED: Galaxy Babe, because of your dedication to the Guardian Angels, and your assistance to those who would otherwise be lost, it is my pleasure to name you ARCHANGEL GALAXY BABE.

*A bright red heart appears on GB's shirt, surrounded by the glow of a million faraway stars. Dan hands her a package that looks remarkably like a wrapped-up towel. Amidst the applause of the Angels, Dan manages to make the following heard:*

BED: Now if we can all make our way to the increasingly smaller Wings Bar, I think we have a couple of things to celebrate.

Nice ceremony, Dan (and backstage helper). A bit of spectacle never goes amiss.

And congrats to GB! Yeah! ... Any chance of a drink?

*Goes in search of a drinks tray, which he trots round - first providing drinks and a few words to the other candidates, then drinks to Dan, GB and himself*

Here's to the new Archangel, to all the company of Angels ... and to absent friends. Cheers!

*raising his glass*

To the new Archangel! To the new Saint(s)! To having finished with that ceremony (on which I spent a lot more time than you'd think)!

I believe you, Dan! Have another glass. At least you don't have to worry about live music in this environment

*wiping away a few tears*

*Runs up with another full glass and some tissues*

Here!

*accepts tissue*
*hugs St.Kes*
*hugs Archangel Dan*

*hugs back, as a one-sided hug is a terrible thing.*

*Kes bashes a champagne glass with a spoon. Fortunately the room falls silent before the glass cracks*

Right! Thank you everyone! The new Archangel would like to say a few words. Please give her a warm heavenly welcome .... Archangel Galaxy Babe ...
*Apllause, not too long, fading politely. GB steps forward *

GB, are you going to change your nickname?

Give her time, bloke. It took me a while to get my "Archangel" up there (but that's mainly because it took me a while to realize I'd been Arched. )

*GB is hiding behind her wings, making loud nose-blowing noises and adjusting her eye make-up. All will be well in a moment. Kes passes a second box of tissues...*

*accepts tissue*
*blows nose*

Thank you everyone, I am a little emotional now, I have been busy handing out Keeper titles, so I was very surprised to hear this news. I accept my red heart with pride and I hope to reward your faith in me. I am honoured to be your newest Archangel. Thanks again; *blows kiss*
*steps down*

*Applause, words of congratulation. The champagne flows ...*