h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No... due to MY esteemed position , I usually delegate it to someone else.

* Saint Zax passes by sucking his swollen thumb...mumbling something about 'archangels'... *

- THE Chairman of the Board.

Evil evil evil!

Well, except you're GOD, so I'm hoping that's impossible...

*....sadistic....@#$#@...i oughta....*

damn that hurts!

Awww, diddums.
*proffers a band-aid*
Feel better

*holding out squished-looking and slightly purpling thumb for Tweet to babd-aid*

I think it might need a kiss...

*wraps the band-aid round Zax's thumb*
A kiss? Ok.
*leans over gives the thumb a quick peck*
Whoopsie, lip-gloss and bandages- not a good look

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ged and biscuits

*pouffer*
Aw, come on. I was only messing with his head

St-Peter - Just as long as that's all you were messing with...

"Scared of that..."

*watches Silent Bob's retreating back*
Can't say I blame him...

I can.

IT'S YOUR FAULT, BOB!!!

3

JOTD: Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?

Just couldn't resist it could you?

Resistance is futile

3

JOTD: You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

* A small gathering of saints enter the inner sanctum of operations. From the preponderance of oddities that line the old teak hutches, tables and wardrobes, a small tabby cat emerges looking with utter distain at all and sundry. It follows the feline maxim that ‘if you’re not carrying a kipper, you do not exist...’ *

* On the far wall hangs an old framed certificate bearing the arms of the Supreme Deities Union, bearing the registration details of one known as ‘Gerald’. Above that, a small plaque bears the inscription 3rd prize in the ‘Metaphysical College of Universe Construction Competition XXII - Junior Section’ *

* The seconds tick by stultifyingly slow like late Sunday afternoon at your Grandmothers. You are awoken by a noise not dissimilar to that of insects catching up on their daily affairs after sunset...A door slams. *

Sorry I’m late everyone, I’ve been working terribly hard...

* HE places a small trophy on the sideboard, attempting to hide the markings ‘3rd Place -Celestial Arms Kareoke Competition’... *

Well, I suppose we should get on with the Ceremony !

* Just in the few seconds it takes his majesticness to find the keys to the cabinet containing the golden sword, the sound of a far off voice is faintly audible. Although its incredibly difficult to fathom precisely what is uttered, you definitely know the winsome voice... *

Oh, here it is ! ...Oh, don’t worry about Zax, he will be as right as rain in a few days. I found that he had smuggled a movie reel from the taxi aircraft linking Heaven & Earth. He should have known better not to watch a movie with the title - ‘Dogma’...

* Silent Bob looks off into space rather convincingly...Whilst saying precisely nothing *

* The golden sword does a rather impressive arc, illuminating the darkened room... *

I hereby dub you Saint Halo, the Patron Saint of Lucky Charms ! May you go forth with considerable charm and spread fortuitous luck throughout the world...

I hereby bestow to you the sacred lucky red boxers Saint Mirren was wearing when she was unfortunately run over by that runaway double-decker bus. May they bring you greater luck than they brought her...

* HE deftly places his hand on and shakes the tin with ‘Saint Mirren - I hope you come out of traction soon Fund’ written on it... *

* The golden sword loops through the air trailing glistening light, as it comes to rest on Halo’s shoulder, lovely white wings sprout forth unfurling elegantly to the world, then a second halo appears around her head, guaranteed in time to make the other saints feel almost inadequate... *

- Simply, High Spirited.

*Tweetie sits, looking at the ceremony, caught somwhere between pride and... well being a sister. She stretches gently and turns a lazy set of evils on GOD*
Hey, you don't need to give me an inferiority complex.
I already have one
*Flutters lightly over and sits on Halo's shoulder. Tweetie grins and whispers in her ear, reminding her sister that she has another body round these here parts*
So, sis, welcome to Angel-hood.
Now, where's Ras with that Mindrotter?

*Dan enters the room*

God, do you have any ideas for patronages for the new saints? I'm really not sure what they should be. (Perhaps Patron Saint of the Rather Ordinary for John?)

* Dan walks in just as HE is scribbling out another prototype star-chart *

I didn’t think a planet made solely of cheese would work, one lunar cycle and it melts...

* Ponders ‘Not one of MY better drunken thoughts...’ *

Oh...you just popped in to get the sword.

Ah yes, the patronages. We have a few vacancies, the one I related over at the applications ‘the patron saint of the accident prone’. Other vacancies include ‘the patron saint of serendipity’, ‘the saint of social embarrassment’, ‘the patron saint of neophobia (the unknown)’, ‘the patron saint of the vertically challenged’, ‘the patron saint of wilfully obscure’, ‘the patron saint of the cynically insane’...

I think we should respect William’s suggestion and make him the Patron Saint of Tea, for it’s about time someone knew how to make the tea up here...

As far as Moo Juice, I think the Patron Saint of Country Folk would be an adroit suggestion...

BTW I mentioned it elsewhere, but I have put you forward as Zarniroop’s Guardian Angel http://www.h2g2.com/U132645

Now you won’t have to be jealous of Zax drinking buddies...

- Moving in Mysterious Ways.

*halo hanging over one ear, trench ripped and boots mud-spattered, a blearey eyed Zax stumbles in to sit in the nearest chair. (well, not so much 'sit in' as 'crumple into'). Smiling feebly around the room, Zax makes a vague attempt to straighten the crooked halo, but misses it alltogether. That eye'll probably be a nice shade of black tomorrow.. probably just as well...*

uh....r-r-rightschhh! shhho w-w-w-wadideye misssh??

*the once- beautiful head lolls back, and a faint snore (as well as the scent of lavender (?!)..)begins to emanate from the heap of bones.*