h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* A huge, ancient, oak door lies at the end of this out of the way corridor at the base of Heaven H.Q. The large elaborate handle has a little sign hung over it, which says ‘Do Not Disturb...’. The hairs on the back of your neck begin to tingle, as you realise this particular area of Heaven has a distinct chill in the air, and an air of menace abounds... *

*tap, tap*

*Runs off before anyone's the wiser*

O3

JOTD: Circular Definition - see Definition, Circular

* Thunder rumbles overhead, which frightens the locals, for it only ever rains here by consensus *

* A loud voice of truly volcanic proportions intones... *

GO AWAY !!!

*whistling in a decidedly tuneless manner, a barefoot Zax wanders up, and stands pensively digging toes into the soft, cool earth... relishing the feel of seedling grass on skin..*

*apparently having come to a decision, Zax reaches back and from nowhere in particular pulls out a large pitcher of Guinness, and a tray of brownies. silently Zax leans forward and places these offerings near the "slumbering" diety....*


T A G! ! ! You're IT! ! !

*takes to the skies with grace and agility, giggling like a schoolchild*

tee hee! He he! HAR HAR HAR! i GOT Him!!!!

* The ground begins to rumble, (which is quite a feat considering its usually seditary lifestyle ) above in the towers of Heaven H.Q St.Peter starts praying, pondering the last time something like this happened, when the lake of Plentitude's base clouds parted and the Earth experienced rain for 40 days & 40 nights... *

* It's then it just as suddenly stops, and the door opens wide enough for the pitcher of Guinness to be pulled through.A noise like distant insects can be heard, the door is left slightly ajar... *

*Landing silently, Zax reaches back again and pulls a dental cleaning kit from the same vague point of nowhere. Opening the leather case, Zax removes a small mirror on a telescoping wand, which is deftly extended.

the delicate slithering sound of metal on flagstones is heard as the mirror slides through the crack of the open door.

twisting the mirror back and forth, Zax* finally catches a brief glimpse of a hairy yellow smiley face as it disappears under a thick goosedown comforter.
a faint sound of giggling drifts from the room....*

I just wanted to say that I find this all quite disturbing

;^)#

* Zax stands trying to discern what exactly lies beyond the ancient oak door, the sound of a gallery of insects permeates even the walls, and they throb accordingly. As Zax inches ever closer & closer to the door he can pick out the a distinct glowing presence in an otherwise darkened room. Within inches of peering through the slightly ajar door, Zax notices his heart thumping so loudly that it is audible. The light can be seen to be pulsing radiant blue light, the sound of the insects is becoming quite deafening, the chill of the corridor seems to be inching ever further up his spine, then... *

CAN I HELP YOU ?

* Zax heart stops momentarily, whilst he hits the flagstones... *

* After some while he awakes to the sound of a T.V and the curious buzzing noise slightly dimmer. Looking around he appears to have been carried to the other side of the door. Sitting in a comfortable chair he begins to come to his senses, which is quite a feat considering he has thus far managed well enough without them... *

* Looking about it appears to be a small pokey private office come sitting room. A number of shelves are stacked with ancient manuscripts, all fighting for a place to call home, a small wooden desk appears to have Quills, curios and a unfinished star-chart resting on it, a couple of large comfortable arm chairs face a small black & white T.V which currently has Dave Allen on. This quaint atmosphere is somewhat reminiscent of 1950’s England, just after tea-time, although where the ethereal scale model of a spinning solar system glowing in the air above fits in, is anyone’s guess... *

* From the other side of the room a door suddenly opens to a chorus of noise... *

Oh, I see your awake. I’ve just brought in some milk to make tea...

* The door has been left cast open, a small cat enters the room making its way directly for the other armchair, without the slightest intent of acknowledging the intruder... *

* Zax mind seems to be drawn back by the noise of outside the door... *

Don’t mind that... it’s just the sound of the Universe. It’s always handy to have it on your doorstep, just in case I need to pop out, especially if you’ve just run out of sugar...

* Zax ponders that he appears to be still asleep, or at best, hallucinating... *

Look, about MY prior moodiness, I’m sorry, I’ve gotten over it

* Smiles *

... that’s the beauty of a new day, there are always far better things to get upset about...

* Zax tries to make the leap in the capricious mind stakes - fails... *

Anyway, If anything is weighing on your mind feel free to pop in every now & then...

- Moving in Mysterious Ways.

*stands outside the- rather imposing- door*
*looks worried as she thought she saw Zax being dragged in there eariler and has now come back to check*
Ummm, I'm not sure I should be here.
*taps lightly on the door*
Zax? You in there?
GOD?
Anyone?
*produces tray of brownies from behind her back*
Wonder if these'll help?

*while the scent of warm fudge busily wafts its way through the room, God* is finishing his discourse on the reasons why Bobby Fischer didn't REALLY spank Him soundly in their last game of chess.*
*While none of these reasons sound even remotely plausible, ore even mildly convincing, Zax* (having realized in the nick of time that he couldn't pray for the torture to end) has been paying rapt attention, and nodding at the appropriate intervals...*

Meanwhile, the scent has been busily wafting, finally reaching the pontificating God. Raising his nose to the air like a slightly pale, elderly, wrinkled, beer-stained,--

God: That'll be QUITE enough, thank you.

*--beagle, God turns to Zax* with a startling look of command. Startling that is, because to date, Zax* had not known the look could be taken to such hights, such perfection, such rapture--*

Zax*: Bloody hell.. GET ON with it!

*fine. obviously neither of you has any understanding of what it's like to take pride in doing a job well. right. so Zax*, seeing the look from God, moves to the door, and peeking out into the hall, sees a large tray of brownies hovering just above the floor. Reaching down, Zax* takes the tray, only to find a small, squished Saint Tweet underneath it. Zax* brings both back to the bedside, and places Tweet in God's outstreched hand.*
*apparently, that was not what God was holding His hand out for.*

Zax*: Now, God.. come on... don't be like that... she was bringing YOU brownies.. the least you can do is fix her spine! No-
*moving the tray farther out of God's reach*
..No brownies until Tweet's 6 inches tall again!

*looks up fuzzily at the sight of Zax waving her tray of brownies menacingly at GOD*
*realising her spine is crushed she is suddenly glad she had that bottle of vodka in HEAVEN earlier on*
Urgle.
*suddenly she begins to shake and a yellow glow eminates from her wings*
*Zax grins, realising what's about to happen*
*after a moment a 5'4, dark haired girl has appeared in place of the small yellow bird. Her spine is perfectly straight and she grins at GOD*
Points for initiative?
Shoot, it's gonna take me ages to fix that spine.
*GOD is looking at her in surprise and bemusement*
Oh, right. Cartoon character. You squish us and we come back good as new in two frames.
*winks at Zax*
Forgot about that, didn't you?

Yeah, not so much 'forgot' as 'chose to ignore'. that, and that you can't really be injured in heaven.. ya see, He's just being such a baby lately, i thought it might do him some good to be genuinely useful for a ch-- uh- for a bit.

*Then, realizing that God is still oggling the transformed Tweet*

Boy am i glad you're not MY daughter!

* HE stands silently whilst these events are in progress sucking his LOLly, thinking *

'?'

- Moving in Mysterious Ways.

Ok...
*hops lightly off GOD's hand and stands next to Zax*
So... where are we exactly?

*!*

What do you mean "chose to ignore"?

Ummmmmmmmm. Heaven?

3

JOTD: I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!!!

Which part of arrogant, I meant.

Maybe you should re-arrange your signature

Okay

D:-3

JOTD: Paperclips are the larval stage of coat-hangers

Ummm, hang on a minute, confused thoughts. That should have been which part of HEAVEN, I meant.

*slams thesaurus off her head*

LOL!

Well as far as twisted logic goes, I think Saint Jester has hit the metaphysical nail on the side...

* HE ponders that HE will never look at the humble paperclip in quite the same way again *

- Simply, High Spirited.

Ouch!!!!!!

3

JOTD: Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?