h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*ears twitch. she tries to decide which part of the previous sentence causes the greatest alarm, "spider" or "dead." Decides it's "Look out!" However, Amy is very reassuring and Carmel is able to resist the urge to faint again. With a mighty tug at the bottle she is able to pull it loose and free herself. She sits up, half out of d'Elaphant's pocket, and shoulders the bottle like a baseball bat*

Well, let's move out them. I'm not af...that is, I'm only a little bit af...well, I'm not completely af...oh, bother. I'm not entirely terrified just now, so this should be a good time to move out.

*Winks at Affy*

They're fully grown now. Four groups of a hundred of them. Raised in Rathome and specially trained by army ants. Styx is in overall charge of the army, and they're itching for action, as you just saw. They seem pretty effective too. Old Minos will get a surprise when he comes up against OUR Rat-ants.

*Turns back to the others.*

Well, it looks like that tunnel is safe now. Thanks, Styx.

*Steps through the rent in the web and starts walking down the side tunnel, leaving glowing footprints.*

*s the *

Sorry, Styx is back now. Gotta go.

*scurries across to Styx* Wondered what you were up to. Spoiled my fun though - I was going to let Knife Boy play with the spider for a bit before I stepped in to kill it .

*clambers into backpack*

*tries to ignore the glee with which her compatriots describe hacking up the spide (after all, it isn't her place to judge...) Gives the bottle a few experimental swings to reassure herself. Manages to avoid dropping it or hurting herself or d'E. Is surprised how comforting it is to heft a well balanced weighty object. This begins to go to her head (when you are a stuffie all new concepts go right to your head)*

My, I believe I could grow to like this whole "blunt instrument" thingie. He he he!

*swish, swish, swish!*

What were those soldier things? *stepping through rent in web after Garius, carefully avoiding the bottle being brandished from d'Elaphant's pocket* I thought there weren't any more ratants! I hope we get out of this tunnel soon. Did I mention that I have claustrophobia?

That looks sticky.

/* Kicks a bit of the spider web that gets stuck to his right wellie. Follows the others trailing a length of web from his foot. */

Careful with that bottle now. It's a good vintage.

*Shuffles after, using his now glowing handkerchief as a light source*

*follows Munchkin, checking behind regularly to make sure they aren't being followed. The glow behind them from the sicky goo subsides when it is no longer being stirred up*

We seem to have been in here for ever! I am getting a little hungry and thirsty now.

*offers Caer some kibble she found in the bottom of Styx's backpack*

Thanks Amy, but I think Styx might need it if he is going to keep his strenght up to fight more spiders, although I am hoping we won't come across anymore.

Where are the ratants from? They looked very efficient at what they do.

Ratants are pets belonging to The Krylma Leader. They are not native to h2g2 island - they may not even be native to the planet. Affy has a better memory than me for these things and may be able to supply the details.

Last year, Styx and I (with the help of Lil) destroyed the ratants on the grounds that, well, someone had to and it might as well be done by someone competent. The Krylma Leader (who is a complete cry-baby really) took gross liberties with continuity in order to rescue a few of the s*dding things. Personally I was not happy with this but, hey, who cares? GL retained a few of the more amenable ratants to train as guards. They have been trained by one of my crack troops of soldier ants in the basement of CLI.

That's true, Amy. We managed to steal the queen of the colony, and one hapless stragler. The stragler enjoyed his new role and the rats in rathome have raised a new army of them now. The armour is a great innovation - I don't think the Krylma Leader's rat-ants have armour. Plus, they couldn't have had the sort of training that Amy's soldier ant friends have provided. Anyway, I'm glad they handled the spider for us.

*Just then GL rounds the corner of the passage and comes across the body of the spider in a small alcove. He is somewhat shocked by the amount of, um, damage that was inflicted.*

Okay, everyone might want to avert their eyes here. Just look up and to the left.

*shamelessly rubbernecking as she picks her way past the mangled carcass*

Ewwwwwww!

*steps carefully*

Lil, you might want to try these...

*hands Lil a pair of what looks like ordinary sunglasses, but that will only show a pale blue sky when you put them on*

You won't be able to see where you're going, though...

Oooh, dead spider! That's the sort I like.

*shoots a self igniting flame bolt into the corpse and watches it crisp up like piece of back bacon in a hot frying pan*

*Dead, burnt, mangled spider? Well, that about does it for Carmel's new-found enthusiasm. She sinks slowly into d'Elaphant's pocket leaving only her ears and the butt of the bottle exposed*

*softly, muffled by pocket* Yucky, yucky, yucketty, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Can anyone smell pork?

/* Looks up and to the left */

Yeeech, quite a bit of spider guts up there too. And Mrs. Spider looks none too happy...

*Going by, thinking*

We should consider another attack on the rat-ant nest in the Majick Forrest, though. Remember what FACE did to get them back a few months ago?

Oh, and just so everyone knows, rat-ants are native to Zork, my home world. Still no clue how they got to h2g2....

*Examines the Mrs. Spider d'Elaphant saw, and draws his sword to meet it*

About time some serious action came our way,....

*Affy lunges, Mrs. Spider parries. Mrs. Spider lunges, barely misses Affy's foot*

You still got some of that Gigantic Pest Spray from the first Esirpretne mission, Garius?

*flattened against the far wall, hoping she is well out of range of the fighting*
*grabs her healthstone, ready to help Affi if he's wounded in action, and addressing remarks to GL so as not to distract Affi*

How can there be rat-ants again in the Majick Forest? Not in the same nest, surely -- that would be against Continuity, considering that not only was it flooded out but Yowuzupman's flying saucer dropped some serious space trash on the site. FACE? Who's that? How are we ever going to keep up with all these acronymic organisations?

Would anyone like a kebab? I still have several that I took from the canape cart.