h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* Moonlight settles upon the Lake of Plenitude in the heavenly domain… *

* St.Peter rubs his hands together whilst shivering in the still night, along with a number of the other saints, as they wait by the shores on Solitude Island… *

St.Peter - What time did he say he would be here ?

St.LePerdyMonkee - Are you talking to me ?

St.Peter - No.

* St.LePerdyMonkee sighs resigned… *

* St.Peter has always wondered why the 'Great Celestial Timekeeper', as HE would have himself known from time to time, was always late for appointments… *

* St.Peter stares over at St.Egon who with a sizeable bottle of vodka hasn't felt the effects of the cold not one iota, and is positively revelling in the others discomfort. St.Redfish appears to be in his element frolicking in the lakes pure waters. Needless to say, St. Wilson Brown Bear is feeling a little blue… *

* Suddenly a flash of light is seen over towards to the towers of Heaven H.Q, within moments a bolt of light is charging towards the shore… *

* There is a LOUD crash… *

GOD - I told you Rasputin !!!

You cannot drink and drive in a golden chariot !!!

* Rasputin in turn looks back with a fierce determination, thinking that's rich coming from someone who has been on a gigantic bender… *

GOD - Sorry I'm late, you know millions of things to do !!!

* St.Peter mentally adds '…which were delegated to me' *

GOD - Now, some kind of ceremony is in order, I imagine…

* St.Peter looks back in disbelief… *

GOD - Well, we had better push on…

Or we will catch our death out here !!!

* St.Peter, has heard nothing thus far to inspire a change of demeanour… *

GOD - Would you please step forth Pegasus !!!

* She trots forth… *

I hereby dub you Saint Pegasus the Patron Saint of Procrastination !!!

* A golden sword illuminates the darkness as it goes whizzing past the newly canonised saint. Nothing Else happens, not a thing… *

* HE blushes *

* GOD - Well, I imagine it has something to do with the Patronage…

*Rolf*
Welcom pegasus you are now part of a select group of drunkards and mad pple arnt you proude

Welcome St. Pegasus!
*hands over complimentary bottle of champagne to be drunk at my homepage

*Pegasus blushes profusely and proudly accepts her new sainthood*

I can't tell you what this means to me... *sniff* That HE should bestow such... *flutters wings and eyelashes, and adjusts halo*

Now if you'll excuse me... there's a few things I've got to go and put off until another day.

St.~A~

Hello.
Angel people intrigue me.
I wish to join them.
I can help other lifeforms.
I want to be Patron Saint of Perfection.
I await your response.

Dear God
Seven of Nine as GA- weirdness abounds...

Well Hello there !!!

I'm sure the Patron Saint of Perfection is already taken or reserved for one particular individual...

But, I'm sure we have others you might but appealing...

How about the Patron Saint of Empathy...

- Simply, High Spirited.

Dear almighty one,

please can you fix it for me to be a GA?
I would like to be the saint of Sinful things as Sin is my name and well i do try to live up to it.
If you do this fantastic thing for me i will stop my mass murder spree and devote my time to helping people with their lesser sin's.

Dont make me beg big fella!! If i have to come up there, then all hells gonna kick off!! hehehe

Hey dont forget who love's ya!! Muahahahahaaaaah!!
That wasn't an evil laugh, i was trying to blow you a kiss and i swallowed a fly

* HE groans & rolls his eyes... *

Well...

Hmmm...

Well, your name was merely an accident of birth...

The killing spree will have to stop, mind...

...and your general air of contrariness...

...and you will have to be repentant for all those you have fallen

Every single last one...

Plus, we can't really have Guardian Angels promoting sinful things...

Ummm...

Well, I like a challenge...

So if you have another hobby that doesn't involve hurting, killing, maiming things, we MIGHT reconsider...

- Simply, High Spirited.

Hi again your almightness,


your a hard god to please ya know?

Hmmmm let me think.... what do i enjoy?........ I like day dreaming, so can i be the saint of day dreams?

or the saint of shaving, i love shaving my head, face and other things. I dont shave animals any more, so its not a bad thing

either im a saint of something or im a sinner.

Help me out here big guy.

Sin.

Well you probably are going to have trouble sticking to the strict regime up here in Heaven...

So we might need to give you something with a little bit of naughtiness to it...

So how about the Patron Saint of White Lies...

- Simply, High Spirited.

Oh your almightyness!!!!!

you have mad me smile the biggest of all smiles, i would be honoured to be the Patron Saint of White lies!!

You have restored my faith in goodness and i shall try my upmost to do good by you and yours

Happy Sin

Well, that's agreed then...

We are still waiting on the response of Seven of Nine to her patronage, but when we receive confirmation a Ceremony will take place like you can see above, to make your acceptance official...

In the meantime you might want to apply for your own guardian angel below, so you can get to grips with things...

- Simply, High Spirited

* The winds encircle the hapless saints as they stand upon the Bell Tower of Liberty. Some of the newer saints haven’t the ability to reach this tower by ‘wing power’ alone, and have been made to climb up the 1,249 stairs up and now stand more than a little weakened and having to still to contend with being buffeted by 59 mile an hour winds, just to stay still… *

* St.Peter finally ambles up the stairs and confronts the strong winds as he opens the doors, and nearly goes tumbling down the stairs bar for timely invention of Saint Wilson Brown Bear whose burly presence is a welcome relief to Peter… *

St.Peter – Thankyou all for making the journey up here today…

It’s most gratifying to see so many of you taking an interest in our new saints…

You have probably wondered by now, why I have brought you up here today…

* He sees Saint LePerdyMonkee clambering about in the clock mechanisms overhead, he checks his watch, the monkey instanteously hits a cog wheel... 10:32a.m, just to make sure it isn’t time… *

DONG!!! DONG !!! DONG !!!

* Saint LePerdyMonkee hits the stone below looking forlornly about as everyone desperately tries to block out the sound with their hands… *

* Saint Dargent goes flying off the side of the tower trying to grab Saint Salam Saberhagen as a last resort… *

* Together they fall, almost certainly looking at instantaneous death… *

* St.Peter manages to grab a hold of Saint Vince as his weak body is tossed around by the wind… *

St.Vince – Do you think they will be fine or…

St.Peter – Don’t be alarmed everyone, they cannot come to any harm in Heaven…

They will only feel like they have hit solid concrete…

* Further below the two new saints desperately hold on to each other hoping for a miracle, and pleading that as their employer, HE should let them have one on ‘spec’…*

* St.Saberhagan looks on the bright side, whilst St.Dargent contemplates a sticky end… *

* St.Dragonfly the adept flier follows behind them desperately trying to catch them up… *

* ABOVE… *

St.Peter – Don’t Worry, I’m sure Saint Dragonfly will rescue them… hopefully…

* St.Jezzrian stares over the ledge and says… *

St.Jezzrian – We’re in Heaven, there always has to be a happy ending, doesn’t there ???

* The others stare on bemused… *

St.Peter - Anyway, Yes…

I brought you up here today to sample the lofty heights of the belltower to gain some ‘perspective’ of the heights a Guardian Angel must go to, to ‘aspire’ to greatness, to ‘steeple’ ones way to a pure & a gentle heart…

But, mainly to scare the willies out of you…

Why ? I hear you say ?

* He ponders… for a ‘inordinate’ amount of time… *

Alright, I’ve forgotten, but it had something vaguely to do with the ‘helping others’ or some such…

* He stares out across the steeples… *

Anyway, would Seven of Nine please step forward…

* She staggers forth… *

* He struggles to the draw the golden sword in the fierce winds… *

I hereby dub you Saint Seven Of Nine the Patron Saint of Empathy !!!

You are commanded to go forth a sympathise with all those less perfect than yourself… or at least to appear so…

* St.Peter wrestles the sword, finally getting it out of its sheath, only to watch it go fly from his hands narrowly missing Saint Kes… *

Well, er… we will see to that later… rest assured, you’ll get some metallic wings and a electric neon halo or something…

* St.Peter busily avoids her gaze and calls for Lord Sin… *

* Lord Sin looks across from grappling a pillar, just to stay put in the swirling winds… *

Lord Sin – Well, I’ve got a… a pain down my right leg…. Terrible really, but still… mustn’t grumble…

* St.Peter sighs deeply and grapples his way across with the help of many saints to get to where the Lord is… *

St.Peter - I hereby dub you… er, I would if I still had the sword… anyway…

I hereby would dub you Saint Lord Sin the Patron Saint of White Lies !!!

I would have commanded you to go forth and teach others that white lies always grey the issue, leading inexorably to you having to find darker shades of grey to cover up the lighter ones… but, I won’t bother for now…

Er… You probably would have had wings that were like a litmus test to see how pure you have been, going from pure white to black, and a halo that dims in much the same fashion…

* St.Peter looks about at the windswept individuals whose faces have been made red raw by the shearing winds… *

St.Peter – I think we had better retire to the bar now…

* He pauses and looks out across the lake… *

I don’t think this was a very good idea at all !!!

* The others wrestle their way back to the safety of the stairwell, whilst St.Peter edges toward the ledge & looks down over the side glumly… *

* He turns back to the stairwell picking up the pink monkey along the way saying… *

St.Peter – I’m sure they will be O.K… won’t they ???

* Meanwhile BELOW… *

* St.Dargent notices the ground coming up to greet them, feels more than a little dismayed… St.Salam says… *

St.Salam Saberhagen – Come on !!! Bring it on !!!

* Moments later, Saint Dragonfly sees them hit the ground… Or too be more precise, sees them go ‘through’ the ground… or more to the point: cloud layer… *

* Moments pass as they emerge the other side and Saint Salam manages to share a laugh with St.Dargent, even to the point of whooping a little about their adventures, until a thought crosses Salam’s mind… *

St.Salam – So let me get this straight. We fell ‘through’ the ‘ground’ in Heaven because the cloud layer there was conveniently thin, and now we are falling through the stratosphere of Earth falling towards the…

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats to the new Saints. by the way GOD were can I get an updated copy of the drop down list?

St.Peter - Yes, so would I !!!

Sporky, Dan, Tweetie, Anyone !!!

St.P.

Me too!
I never even had an old one
Congratulations Saint Seven and Saint Lord Sin!
*round of applause*
Great ceremony, GOD!

Mine's current -- up to canadian girl, that is.

A complete list of the Angels (well I'll put Seven and Sin up in a second) is available on the eGroups site, however. If no up to date list has been kept, one could easily be constructed from that.

Congrats to the new Saints, and to GOD for another great ceremony.

Zack: Would it be possible for one of us to become a guardian angel?