h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Great Celestial Line going a bit wonky...

This might solve it...

*Possum admires his red-neon wings*

Salutations & congratulations to the new Saints

;^)#

Congrats to the new Saints

*passing out goblets of 'Razax' brew*

Congratulations, new Saints!

(thinking: this is turning into quite the menagerie! maybe we should make the bunkhouse a little more 'animal friendly'?)

*leading Zoë out from behind Io and Lisa and handing her a gnarled piece of driftwood*
Here you go, Zo... your very own 'unshy'wand.... any time you feel like being a wallflower, just bop someone over the head with it... works wonders! pretty soon you'll be like Io and Desig! LOL...

Uhm, peace and goodwill, and all that baboochka...

Hey, thanx a lot, God. I really appreciate it.

*wings appear in places they really shouldn't be*

He he he. That tickles.

*finally settles on three wings on his back, one green, one purple and one gold (first two to match his suit, which he still hasn't changed to the black uniform, and the gold one to match the halo which is still around his neck)*

3

JOTD: 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions

Hey, can I be the PS of short, catchy, pithy names?

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LOL! you wouldn't have a very large following on here!


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(i've always likedy your name, btw.. very cool!)

Ah, the first day of posting under my newly Sainted name.

*Turns round and knocks everyone's drinks over*

Sorry about that, I haven't quite got used to the wings yet. Is there some kind of Saintly power that can undo accidents like that?

I'm not the youngest saint, Lisa's five days younger than me, but she does act more... not responsible. But older. *sits there looking shy and confused*

I've welcomed two people! Not very well, but I am shy...

Good Work Zo! Don't forget that sti- uh... wand i gave you! try it out-- it really is effective... just look at Roseanne! one of my personal victories!

*watches as Io tips the counter so that all the spilled alcohol goes into one large bucket at the end*

Ahhhh.. Suicides... my favorite! you are so cool, Io!

Greetings & Salutations!!!

* HE stops with the over the top banter, hangovers tend to proclude such activities... *

Just a quick word to our new saints, and what a mighty fine bunch they are , If you send a heavenly e-mail to Archangel Zax at [email protected] (there is a _ instead of a space), he will give you directions to HEAVEN...!!!

Just a word to all saints, your attendance at the ceremony to induct our latest potential saint will be in the Great Library...soon

- Simply, High Spirited.

* Just south of Heaven H.Q, the lawns & rosegardens flow towards the majestic Great Library, the true font of all wisdom. The grandiose white marble walls flow up like a stylised mountain, disappearing into low lying clouds, which conveniently hang around the monolith continuously, for no better reason than to induce awe *

* Inside a suitably sized room, a number of saints are milling around, waiting for St.Peter. It appears to be designed like a Victorian sitting-room, although it appears to have been designed for elephants if the size is any indication. The other rooms the saints passed through to get here housed copies of ALL the collected works of humanity & beyond. This room is quite fundamentally different. The entire collection in here consists of unfinished biographies, if one could stop the saints acting like excited schoolchildren for a second, the distinct sound of quills scratching on parchment could be heard *

* Saint Ioreth begins idly flicking through one of the tomes, and is quite shocked to see text being scrawled upon it, even as she watches. Trying to catch the flow of the story is quite easy though, it appears someone is sitting at an apple computer, trying to find more & more elaborate ways of wasting time, than to do his ‘urgent’ screenplay draft. It is then she examines the spine of the book, revealing what she had suspected along *

* After relaying her news, Saint Zax dives straight for the wooden index boxes. Pulling out a card and he runs off, Saint Lisa takes a glance at where the card had been, the name ‘Gellar’ stares out. She adds his name to her list. After careful inspection most of the Saints head off with cards of the people whose professions range from supermodels, singers to actors. Saint Zoe looks up from the tome marked ‘Tom Cruise’ disappointed, muttering something about ‘...I always knew he was, anyway’ *

* There is a clearing of a throat... *

* ...which is respected by the absolute indifference shown. *

* There is a louder, more strident, clearing of a throat *

- 5 seconds later...-

GOD - IF WE COULD GET ON...!!!

* The saints jump up within a flash, in no small part aided by the fact the foundations jump as well *

GOD - St.Peter is feeling unwell, and sends his apologies...

* the saints attempt to respond, not quite knowing what action best accomplishes it *

GOD - We are gathered here today to induct our latest potential saint...would you please step forward...uh...ah...YOU.

* With that the figure moves closer, not quite knowing whether it’s safe to get this close to God, at least in his current mood *

GOD - Alright, who has the sword...someone was suppose to bring the sword...you know, the golden sword...I SAID THE GOLDEN SWORD !!!

* The said golden sword clatters to the ground as Saint Lil wisely shuffles a few feet away from where it landed *

* Saint Kornball attempts to make a corny remark, Saint Kornball’s left hemisphere overrides his right hemisphere, suggesting “You have ‘got a life’, it’s best not to throw it away unnecessarily, on pithy remarks...” *

* It’s then the sword flies through the air at God’s behest, missing Saint Cutlery by mere centimetres. Saint Possum finds a small, dimly lit, alcove to hide in *

GOD - Now... I hereby dub you Saint er...Nameless the Patron Saint of Brevity, may you go forth and bring clarity to those who ramble on, and on, and on ... and I also give you the task to keep a close eye on politicians, who are legendary in the verbosity stakes...

* Saint Nameless looks on nervously as the almighty bears down with the sword, his eyes glowering like hot coals. The sword comes to a rest on his shoulder, mere millimetres from it. A choir hastily sketch out a rendition “Oh!!! How powerful art thee...”. It’s amazing how fear can lend such clarity. Golden wings & a halo sprout forth, and the newest Saint sighs a huge sigh of relief... *

GOD - By the way, if anyone mentions the name ‘Gerald’ around me this week. I will not be responsible for MY actions...

* There is an audible silence, but then again, that could just be my mild case of tinnitus *

* The Saints decide on mass, that there is nothing further to add, well until... *

Saint Jester - Gerald Who ?

- THE Chairman of the Board

Oh, thanks a lot. You dont know what this means to me.

BTW I agree with Saint Jester, but I'm smart enough not to name names.

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Congratulations, Nameless!!!! Patron Saint of Brevity, eh?
*thinks: Good, maybe you can start off with God! or is that Mad Geraldo?*

<*AHEM!*>

Right.. sorry, Lord, forgot you could hear me.. uh... see... it's not that we don't LIKE your ceremonies, per se... actually they're quite nice... the floral arrangements are particularly charming... it's just ... uh....

*decides to stop digging while the hole is still shallow enough to call for help*

Well, I had a peek through Hell's Gates and their celebrations are sooooo much worse than yours, oh LORD. I'm not saying I like them, though

Hang on - 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions?

I've only just got that...

Being a Saint is hard work on the old brain....

St.Peter - God at the moment is ‘resting’, the events of the past couple of days have ‘taken their toll’...

* ...and it’s just pure idle speculation that HE is sulking about Zax’s past comments. *

HE is generally a benevolent, kind and understanding deity.

* ... but at other times, HE can make a spoilt two year old look positively mature *

Please, disregard anything further the Narrator wishes to add...

* For we wouldn’t want the truth to permeate reality... *

St.Peter - The Wild Man of Borneo’s ! Tamer brother.