h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Five Ways to Die - The Story of 'The Ashtabula Horror' - A27939874
Author: Jodan - I have had to learn the simplest things last. Which made for difficulties. - U201497

This is something of an experimental entry for me. I've been working on it for a while. I've had to edit it twice, because I accidentally copied over the first edited copy, so I'm a bit exhausted with it. It was an emotionally exhausting thing to research and describe, and it is really my first entry of this kind. So I'm kind of hesitant to put this into PR.

However, Skanky asked for PR submissions, and it sure seems like hootoo needs them right now, so here we go. The EGWW thread is here- F8432304?thread=4678793 and some of my concerns with the entry are included in that thread.

Comments are welcome. Pedants are unwelcome in my PR threads, but I have no doubt that they'll show up anyways.

Thanks.

Oh, and if I can, I'd like to dedicate this entry to an old researcher friend of mine named several U203689 Like me, an Ohioan who loved baseball, he died about two years and two months ago. He was from Ashtabula. Maybe I'll dedicate a more upbeat, baseball entry to him in the future, as well...

I like it

I've read through the WW stuff as well, and there was only one time whilst reading the piece that I felt a mental dis-location, where my sub-consious kicked in and said "wossis then eh ?"

I think you could (and should) lose the paragraph that starts "It was among the last days of the Centennial Year of the American Republic-" Though it might be adadted to become the opening paragraph, but I prefer the leap into a personalisation that you've used.

Hi there Thanks for reading it, McKay.

Where was the dislocation for you? The Centennial graf or somewhere else?

Personally, I think that that paragraph has some importance to the entry, and the message of the entry. I'm not saying I won't cut it, but the point of the paragraph is to sort of create a setting, but more importantly to show how Americans believed they had come so far, 100 years on their own, and yet something this stupid could still happen. The hubris of the society at the time is amazing. It's one of the things that really struck me in researching this. There was almost a mentality of invincibility. The whole idea that Americans were crowing about these new technologies the same year that they heard, definitively, that the old technologies were not nearly perfected, is an appealing concept within the overall story, to me.

The point of that section, in fact, is to sort of establish a setting. The story of Manning, and the story of Vanderbilt are totally incidental to the story of the crash.

(And here I feel the need to make a point: it seems like whenever I answer a reviewer in PR, explaining why I did something, they seem to feel shut down and offended, or else that I'm just a stubborn little ass, and I hope that no one feels that way here. I'm inclined to want to debate these sorts of things, rather than having a series of suggestions followed with a yes/no response. That's just me. )

and I'm well known as being a delicate flower who is easily upset.

No, its your entry, I just felt the narrative flow was interupted by the introduction of that paragraph, at that point. As I said you could re-word it as an opening paragraph - but I like the opening, so I don't think that's a good answer.

At the end of the day it might just be me.

Okay I'll see what I can do... maybe move it towards the end and incorporate the Manning narrative into the next section.

Jodan, this is super writing.

The only thing I would say is to keep to the past tense in the regular sections and to the present tense in the italic sections. Just occasionally these have crossed over, otherwise the contrast between the sections is terrific, carrying the narrative along very effectively.

Yeah, I'm sorry about where that happens. I tried to weed all of them out (this was originally all written in the past, but that didn't work terribly well, so I attempted to go through and fix it, but I'm not surprised at all that there are some that remain. I'll go through and redo them.

And as for the Centennial section, it really doesn't work near the end of the entry, as far as I could tell. No good place to put it, really

It was originally all written in the present tense, I mean to say.

Fantastic entry!

"No one was able to do so, and would join the ashes of the night."

->

"No one was able to do so, and she would join the ashes of the night."

"eventually died down as the injured were moved and the deceased succumbed." If they're dead already, they can't succumb.

I'm not sure about "railroad". Usual British use is "railway", but we know railroad too.

This is a great read and so well written I thought I was there for a moment.

There are a few American spellings in there ... rumors and the like, but nothing of any note that I could spot.

Thanks

I've fixed those two things, E.

Railway v Railroad... In America, it's a Railroad, and the setting is certainly in America. Since this entry is in a narrative form, I think it's appropriate to let the writing reflect the setting, at least a bit. Also, I don't really want to go through and change road to way every other sentence

I've also moved the date up nearer to the beginning of the entry, and changed the title around.

Yeah, I think railroad is fine, given the circumstances and style of the entry.

Anyone?

Still a couple of places I'd like to see the tense sorted:

take -> took
sleep -> slept, lie -> lay
lay -> lies, approached -> approaches
break -> breaks
strikes -> struck, lands -> landed
struggles -> struggled, sees -> saw
sees -> saw

The second read was even more riveting than the first

Bravo Jodan. With those changes in place, I love it.

Thanks a lot h5ringer, I was having a tough time with the tenses, having read through it so many times I've fixed all of those

Despite our past differences Jodan, I have to say this is a superb bit of writing and definitely well worthy of a place in the EG. What an horrendous story, so well told.


ST.

Thanks

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