h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Five Ways to Die - The Story of 'The Ashtabula Horror' - A27939874
Author: Danjo - Front Page Reader - U201497

If you give me spelling/grammar correction, I will simply start screaming.

Something about the transitions in this doesn't work at all for me, and there are some places where the tenses don't work. If there's anyone out there, help me out if you feel like it. If not, well, can't blame a guy for trying.

Great story, Jodes

Pretty good stab at telling it too, but like you say, not quite right. That's largely because you're in no-man's land here. It might already be too twisty for an Edited Guide Entry, but neither have you really structured it for an immediate and ominous present tense account.

What do you want? If you want it to go into the EG, you should maybe lose the present tense and recount it as a straight historical narrative.

If you want to write something memorable, though, I could suggest someone who's done a fair amount of this sort of thing, and who might be persuaded to give you a few tips.

(More seriously, it might of course still get into the EG if you make it a literary piece, but past experience says it probably won't)

I'm more interested in making it work than worrying, at this stage, about getting it into the EG. It's intended for the EG, but if not... well, I've got plenty of EG entries under my belt.

I'm intending to work on it this weekend. This entry is really the product of two or three long researching/writing sessions, so I haven't really gotten to edit it much yet. If I'm being honest, though, I had one eye on some of your entries, like Batavia and Flixborough (in memory, at least... I was worried that if I reread them, I'd end up mimicking the style).

Looking forward to reading it. (The collaborative Entry can wait. It really needs a subject where we both feel a stake in the same story, but on opposite sides of the sea. Any ideas?)

Interesting you mention Batavia, which clunks in places for just the same reason of inconsistent tense. Flixboro I like better, building up the story out of participants' personal tales. In fact you have some of that here already.

No suggestions just yet, anyhow. You do this your way.

It's a brilliant Entry.

I think where the tenses come undone a little is around the 'Rumble' section. If you moved this to the start of the Entry, it would work better chronologically - at the moment, it jars because we have to suspend our interest in what is happening and suddenly move back in time. Entries like this seem to work if the narrative is engaging right through - check - but, more crucially, if it flows. My feeling is that it's only 'Rumble' that stops it from doing that.

The only thing you'd lose is the big hook at the start, and I think you'd need to rewrite the start of Rumble a little to get the reader's attention.

As you know, I'm not a Scout any more, but for me this would be very suitable for the EG - in fact, the more like this, the merrier for me. Mind you, I said that about one of Pin's, and the Eds disagreed. I suppose that debate is for another place, but I think this is great stuff.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this, Rich. You too, of course, Pin, but it's your fault I'm writing this sort of thing so I'm not too terribly grateful .

I agree about the Rumble section, to an extent. That section is mostly in the past tense, which is really the only way it can be written, up until it breaks into Dec 29. I wanted to break up the scenes of violence a bit, maybe build some suspense, but I also see that it interrupts the overall flow of the entry. I don't think it works the way it was meant to - I don't think it builds suspense. It's just jarring, at this point. If I could get some suspense in there, that would be nice. I'm going to take a look to see if I can make that happen.

I'm rewriting this today and tomorrow, and I'll post if I have another draft in the near future...

The suspense you'd lose in the middle would be gained at the start, though.

Another small point I noticed - you mention five ways to die in the title, but there appear to be seven if you go by the subheaders. Perhaps by starting with the rumble and finishing with the silence the five in between would be the ways to die? Just a thought...

Looking forward to the rewrite

Nah, the subheaders are just sounds. In all the first person accounts of the event, I was struck by the fact that they all really focus on the sounds which they heard. But the five ways to die I counted were-
1- The force of the impact
2- Being crushed by a secondary impact (the Columbia)
3- Drowning in the Creek
4- Burning alive
5- Being murdered by the thieves.

I've started in the rewrite though, and I don't think the subheaders will be the same. Maybe I'll work in the five ways somehow, or else change the title

Ah, I see - sorry, it's been a long day. To be fair to me, the five weren't made explicitly clear. Any chance you could hang an enormous neon sign by each?

Tell you what, I'll just wait for the rewrite, eh?