h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I grew up on a farm and we have had huge amounts of cats and dogs and goldfish and mice and turtles and terrapins and sheep and mad chickens and ducks and turkeys and cows and goats and rabbits and pigeons and bees. I have more anecdotage than I know what to do with. A few of the more vivid moments:

We had washed the goldfish tank out and left it to dry on a chair (the goldfish were in a salad bowl at this point - with water, I hasten to add). Our cat Rasmus came in to the kitchen, saw us all sitting at the table having tea, and decided, as was his custom, to join us. He leapt up into the only chair not being sat on... There was a loud clonk and he fell back to the ground and I'm very sorry to say we all laughed out heads off. Rasmus sulked for a week.

Ras also used to leap off the roof in a do-or-die attempt to catch passing pigeons. We used to get phonecalls from the down-stairs neighbours complaining that the damn' cat had landed in the flowerbeds again and we'd have to go down and rescue him, dazed and confused, from the neighbour's garden.

Wallaby the cat - back in the days before I was born - apparently used to knock the gramophone needle off any record he didn't like the sound of. His favourite was anything reggae, he'd sit on the speaker and purr along to Bob Marley, but he hated opera. He'd also worked out how to open doors by taking flying leaps at the handles - his weight would turn them and the momentum of his leap would swing the door open. So you couldn't shut him out, whether you fancied a bit of Carmen or a bit of marital consolations.

Dolly the alsatian used to bite tall blond men on sight. She was a working sheep-dog, not a pet as such, but we all adored her, and she adored us (all dark haired and not too tall). We kept her muzzled whenever she was down at the house, just in case. We have no idea why she did this, or why tall blond men in particular. We have dark suspicions about her previous owner.

Indie the Persian cat could fill a whole book, he was such a nana. He once ate a WHOLE TRAY of chocolate brownies - two would be sufficient to give a human tummy ache, let alone a whole tray on a cat. We found him sitting on the doorstep hiccuping and burping and refusing to budge. He sat there for two whole days without eating or drinking or anything and the vet was planning on pumping his wee tummy when he suddenly 'achieved through-put', drank the waterbowl dry and fell asleep for another twelve hours. Didn't cure him of his chocolate cravings, though. We had to keep it all locked away in cupboards.

And out goat used to jump into the back of the jeep when we were going to the village and we'd have to take her about on a leash like a dog. The locals were convinced we were satanists.

My beagle, Bacon, ate an entire sheet of sugar cookies last Christmas. I had rather stupidly placed the final batch of cookies on a chair to cool, having run out of counter space. I left the kitchen for two minutes to take out the trash and I came back to find the cookie sheet on the floor and Bacon licking up the crumbs.

The cookies were piping hot too, but Bacon didn't even notice. He then curled up on the couch and made a low growling noise if you pushed on hie very tight belly. Now everytime I make cookies he tap dances around me waiting for another mistake.

My cat Pumpkin will not eat cat food. It was amazingly cute until he began eating chocolate and cookies and ice cream, even salad. We had to lock him in a room with a litter box and a plate of food covered in catnip. He gave up his sweet tooth, but he still comes up on the table when there's company and eats with or without us.