h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* Pushes open the long-jammed-shut door with a mighty heave; the door is catapulted off its hinges and collapses in ruins on the carpet.

* Stands up and brushes self down with portable feather duster, at the same time as making a mental note to inform Shade, the handyman, to come and fix the door.

* Examines the HHH company credit card entrusted with self from Footbacon; doesn't believe it has happened; then examines room, doesn't believe how large it is, which is largely because it isn't large - it is a small but adequately sized officed that is totally empty, and would probably look somewhat bigger if the door wasn't taking up all the space on the floor.

Shopping List:
1 * Pine Desk - cheap but functional.
2 * Filing Cabinet - 4-drawer, steel and padlocked.
2 * Chair, 1 swivel for behind the desk, and one stationary for in front of the desk.
1 * Interesting plant for the corner of the room.

There. Done.
Oh! I almost forgot:-

1 * Door.

* Enters room carrying new door; props it up on the South wall ready for Shade to install it when ready.

Saunters in,

I see you have pot plant......

(drat, can't type, bee sting, not too good lefthanded..........

Sorry to hear you have a bee sting. It will heal soon I'm sure.

* Exits and returns with Pine-Desk-Kit.
* Exits and returns with Two-Steel-Filing-Cabinets-Kit.
* Exits and returns with Pot-Plant-for-the-Corner-of-the-Room-Kit.

* Opens desk kit and begins to read the instructions for assembly.

Pretty good size....hmmm, you've a good find here

ooh look there's a poster here...It's an original signed poster of Frederik Dawkins vampire mooovie!

* Wonders if Footbacon knows what she's doing when she tests he walls.

Yes, it was a good find I suppose.

* Removes the poster from the wall.

We shall have to get that valued. It could be worth something.

* Rolls it up and makes to file it in the filing cabinet but realises that the filing cabinet is not assembled yet; thus, returns to the instructions for the pine desk.

By the way, since I have the company credit card, would it be all right for me to pay Trin Tragula's missing wages myself?

OK, I have paid Trin.

* Presses fast-forward button on the pine-desk-kit instruction manual and looks proudly at completed pine desk. Pushes it towards the far wall.

* Repeats assembly procedures on the two filing cabinet kits and places them in the corner of the room.

* Exits and returns with a swivel chair in one arm and a static chair in another. Places static chair in front of pine desk and swivel chair behind it. Sits down, fatigued, on swivel chair and swivels delightedly.

* Exits and returns with briefcase, and, trying too hard to look professional, adjusts tie. Places briefcase on table and removes Centrino-equipped laptop. Opens the laptop with style, trying too hard to attract attention to the price sticker, purposely left stuck on to it.

*enters with feet bandaged*
I hear your good with instructions.
*tries to stand so that feet can't be seen by Baryonic.*
What do you make of these?
*Holds up soup can with label slightly soiled*
------------------------------
| For yummy soup pierce |
| ` `can and stand in ```|
| ````boiling water```` |
------------------------------

Well, just use this fork to pierce the lid of the can *passes fork over*, and then go and stand in the shallow end of the swimming pool.

* Boots up RedHat Enterprise Linux on laptop and loads the Centrino kernel module; sets up a database of HHH clients and staff.

Do you work here, Vestboy, or are you a guest?

*Tries to comprehend the word w*rk*
I don't think I understand the question.
*Partial comprehension dawns. Vestboy faints and the vest scratches itself to release odour of TCP and plasters*

I get the picture.

I shall need to organise a meeting in here in order to ascertain the details to be inserted in my database.

I believe there is a meeting?

Yes. Hello. Do take a seat; we needn't wait for the others.

I shall conduct this in an interview style, if that is all right with you, and after each question I shall write the answer into the database.

Name?

Footbacon

* Types 'Footbacon' in 'Name' field.

I see. Thank you. I'll ask the next questions in succession:

- Job Description please?

- Salary?

- Guest Room Number?

- Pets?

- Salad?

I am the Senior partner and manager of the HHH (The other half got lost in the labrinth)

I've never received a wage, I receive bananas every other Tuesday and occasioanlly I am sent a pencil with the words "Classic Caravans"carved into the side

I can either be found in my cupboard under the stairs or at the HHH Management PS

I only have pets with salad

Salad? Oh yes please!

* Hands Footbacon a green salad.

Thank you for your time. I have entered the information into the database. If you see any other staff about, please tell them that I should like to see them in my office. I have already sent a message to the Bar and other places however.

Salad warning! Have you got any pets?

Thanks for your time anyway

*Opens eyes. Sees Footbacon leaving the room. Sees soup can with fork stuck in the top. Smells TCP and sticking plasters. Sucks thumb. drifts off back to sleep and dreams of dragons in vests.*