h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*scurries around on hundreds of little legs, ready to follow the treasure hunters the second they start walking anywhere, the way sapient pearwood is supposed to*

*The Minotaur walks off towards the top of the beanstalk. Periodically, he leans round to see whether The Treasure is following*

*The Luggage follows the Minotaur to the beanstalk*

whoops, *the treasure, not wanting to have its true identity revealed, hopes nobody caught that slight slip-up*

Minnie what's that box following you?
The treasure is a huge golden harp that can play itself and sing beautiful melodies that put their hearers to sleep the moment...
.
.
.

The Minotaur: Ar. O. Er ... The Tressure, hav yoo seen a harp ennywear?

*Wanders off*

hold on I think its in here somewhere...

*opens lid and various items start to fly out*

...year old cheese, dirty socks, toilet paper, vitamins, wax lips, tweezers, pacifier on a string, pickled cucumber... I know its in here somewhere... cottage cheese, samari sword, ream of paper, various books, tea, broken light bulb, inflatable chair, inflatable table... where is that thing... roll of duct tape, duct tape wallet, old deck of playing cards, stuffed frog, real frog..........

umm... I think I lost it somewhere

but I'll help you refind it

lets see... I think we have to go down the beanstalk... then beneath the labyrinth into the catacombs... yes thats where I was last

The Minotaur: Cattacooms? I didunt even no we had cattacooms. That sure is a lot of stuff thow. Oops - back yoo go, froggie *very gently encourages real frog to head back towards The Treasure*

The Treasure: Oh yeah, nearly forgot to re-collect my belongings

*eats all of the items so that they are safely inside*

The Minotaur: Rite. Well, the others can clime down. But wot abowt yoo, tho, The Tressure? *Looks at hundreds of little legs* Do yoo think yoo can clime? Or shall we jump? I mene, according to mi sauces ...

*The Minotaur is a keen reader of Pratchett*

... yoo are vurtue-alley indie-struktible. An wot wiv me being miffical and awl ...

The Treasure: yes yes, climbing might be a bit of a problem, but I can jump from leaf to leaf, twas how I got up here, that giant beanstalk is stronger then you think. Of course I could jump straight down... but there is no need to do that right now

Dreams of being abandoned in a strange, lofty land with a singed and angry giant.

The Minotaur: Hold it. Vestboi has becum enchanted! (Wot an intresting ettymollogy that wurd has) How ar we going to waik him up? It will hav to be sumthing verry suttle, for overcumming the spell that has been carst, a madgical method of ainshunt provenance ...

I know!

*Minotaur begins slapping Vestboy with a fish*

The Minotaur: No. Nuthing. Better try sumthing elss.

*Fetches an enormous gong. With every ounce of his minotaurly strength, he swings the gong-mallet*

BBBBBBOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

I smell fish!
*Rubs vest on gong*
Lets get out of here before the giant returns. Where's everyone else gone?

The Minotaur: Wel, The Tressure is over thear. Indiana wanderd off. *Big bellowing Minotaur voice* INDIANA!!!

Let's see if we can find her. She might come across something quite unpleasant. Oh don't forget this...
**Sticks cotton wool in Minotaur's ears and some in his own. Shouts in a way that people do when they are deaf.*
...AND GRAB THE HARP!

The Minotaur: PARDON?

*Gives it a minute, indicates with a wink that this is Minotaur comedy, then grabs the harp*