h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hmmm, i'm thinking

what about Voda Weevil Trainer?

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Is that a typo? What's 'Voda' mean? The name's yours, but I'd like to make sure it's not a typo.

ah it's not a typo, but thanks for asking - it's to do with cancer phones, and it's a long story - it just seemed right at the time, and i can't think of anything i'd rather do than train weevils in the art of voda. or something like that

i'm sorry if i'm a bit odd at the moment. i'm sure it's only a phase

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Only a bit odd, you say? Don't worry, in no time at all you'll be back to completely odd just like the rest of us.

i can only hope

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We simply cannot have these ha;fway measures. You sould be all the way odd, not just a little odd. We must step up the training program.

ok, do you guys have any suggestions, cos i think i'm going to need some help to go full odd quickly. ta

Well, you could start talking like a deranged person for a bit. That ought to do the trick.

Saying to someones face "I can eat glass it does not hurt me" will help as well.

Oh yes, that's a good start. But even better would be to say to someone's face, 'I have a weevil that can eat glass and it doesn't hurt him.'

brilliant - keep em coming and i'll be there in no time

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I have a weevil and I know how to use it! (An Iranian Bazooka Weevil that is). I want to join the church of the true weevil.

Now, now. Weevils just want to be your friend. Even an Iranian Bazooka Weevil would never harm somebody, but it would be more than happy to clear some trees for you in exchange for some delicious corn syrup.

i don't know about that - i heard of a gang of West Coast Beech Eating Weevils, down in the South Island of NZ who get pretty rough. Rumours abound of them eating the o key's off keybds in an attempt to sabotage the communication of humanity.

must be something in the water

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Well, they must not have been feeling very well, or perhaps they'd had a bit too much marzipan gin. Normally, weevils are happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend.

And I have met some damned nice weevils in my time. you know, the word weevil got me kicked from a spelling bee when I was a kid.

Iranian Bazooka Weevils are happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend, they just happen to be extremely MISCHIEVOUS.

My Bazooka Weevil got out again! Watch out for him!

Dammit, man, you've got to keep control of your weevils! Kensington, my little weevil pal with no particular ability, prefers to remain perched on my shoulder, ready to party and make friends at a moment's notice. He also helps coordinate the perching weevils when it's time to do the dishes.

where do i get some of these perching weevils? we don't have a dishwasher, and as long as they like doing dishes and don't feel that the use of their labour in such a way alienates them from their product, i would be happy to utilise their talents