h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two work colleages, David and Richard, were giving a talk to year 10 pupils (14 & 15 year olds) about catching things. (it was a health talk). They got onto herpes and talked about cold sores. Dave admitted that he'd had cold sores in the past and then turned to Richard and said "Have you ever had a cold sore, Dick"

The sort of question you just can't answer!

My personal best was when I was a teenager, discussing the Del Monte adverts. Back then, they'd show him taking bites out of oranges and other fruits and then going on about how they only pick the best, etc, when I said.....

"I'm not sure I'd want to eat them... he might have had a good nibble on your pair beforehand!"

I mean "pear", obviously.

Maybe I should have posted in the "Freudian Slip" conversation!!!

An occasional slip is forgivable but I also know of a Mr Head who, inadvertently, had his son Christened Richard. Unforgivable?

No. In fact, anyone called Richard should *not* be made the Head of anything (university department, school, company) as you'd never take them seriously - imagine if you're introduced to Dick, Head of Something!

I just realized my teacher's name is Richard Sauer, and he's the head of the History department at my school. I'm gonna have some fun come Monday . . .

Yuvi, LA!

Come again? What's that you say? I can't hear you; I've got an ear infection...

[Now, some of us have heard that line a little differently, but I CANNOT bring myself to type it 'au naturel', especially not at Yuvi's expense in response to her post.]

I just have to be sure of this one thing, though. When--exactly--on Monday were you planning to c--- I'm going too far...
B42late

Once while at a church setting up for a symposium, my friend and I saw a wall of nametags for some purpose. One of the names was the best (or worst!) names I have ever seen. Dick Woodcock. I kid you not. I felt bad for him (although it's his fault for calling himself Dick, I guess!).

There is someone I know who's name is Richard Ball. The sad thing is that his nickname, that he calls himself, is Dick Ball. Honestly. There is also a message painted on the road going into this town that says "I love you, Dick Ball!"

Chris

That does actually remind me of a tale told by Brummie comedian Jasper Carrott - he was in London and about to do a transatlantic link to the Dick Clarke Show over in the US. He was desperately trying to remember the two presenters' names, Dick Clarke and Ed McMahon, but after Dick Clarke said: "Well let's go over live to London and talk to Jasper Carrott", Jasper said (out of nervousness): "Hi, Dick Ed!"

I love the story about the TV sports commentator who, in describing the prize giving ceremony at the end of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race, said

"And now Princess Margaret goes to kiss the cox of the winning team".

Hilarious!

In first year of university, I met up with two guys by the name of Dick Hurd and Wayne Carr, who had been at school together for several years before that. (Say them out loud.)

I was in my fourth year before I discovered that their real names were actually Peter Hurd and Bob (Robert) Carr. Their school nicknames had become so deeply ingrained that even their families had taken to calling them Dick and Wayne respectively.

On one occasion, I drove over to Peter’s (Dick’s) house to pick him up on the way to party. His father opened the door, and I asked if Peter was ready to go out. His father donned an expression of puzzlement, and then laughed out loud: “Oh, you mean DICK!”

And of course there’s the famous piece of cricket radio commentary from the seventies, in a memorable game between England and the West Indies. (Well, the commentary is memorable - I don't know if anyone remembers anything about the game!)

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

True story - maybe someone can remember who the commentators were?

There was a football match a few years back with Ron Atkinson commentating. A guy got kicked in the crotch & when asked where he thought he was injured big Ron said "In the attacking part of the field!"

brilliant.

A teaching friend of mine loves to recount the tale of twins she taught called Alfred Hook and Wilfred Hook.

Or, in the local dialect: Alf 'Ook and Wilf 'Ook

B

names names names

Hugh Jass?
Mr and Mrs Death (pronounced Deeth, rhymes with teeth) lived in my great-grandparents neighborhood.
I once knew a guy named Ben (Benjamin) Dover, thankfully he didn't have a friend named Phil MacCavity or McCrackin.

A famous, though possibly apocryphal, story has it that Arnold Palmer and his wife were on the Johnny Carson show (the original late night chat show - the Tonight Show- was hosted by Carson through the 60s, 70s and 80s)
Carson asked Mrs. Palmer if she did anything special to help her husband with his golf game before a big tournament.
"I kiss his balls" she replied and immediately realized what she said and turned scarlet.
After the audience picked themselves up off the floor, Carson replied
"that must really straighten his putts"




("putz" being the yiddish slang term for penis for those not in the know)

Uh, I have such a propensity to do that! The dangers of opening your mouth before you think about what you're saying...it's gotten me into trouble many a time. Often, I'll stop and think about what I said, and then I clutch my head and groan, "ohgodohgodohgodohgod!" Can't think of any examples, but I will come up with one eventually, I'm sure...

Neutrino

You've just reminded me of one of mine, actually.

I have something of a propensity for adding prefixes and suffixes to words to make pseudo-scientific words appropriate to whatever I'm talking about.

So at an informal four-course dinner recently, when I knew there was going to be a bit of a break between the starter and main course, I wanted to suggest playing a little game or something to stop people getting bored. So the brain clicks in with a word that would supposedly mean 'in between starter and main course' and I blurt out:

"Shall we have an intercourse game?"



B

I was once sent a listing of available students of a local business school who were ready to be placed for their year's work placement.

One of the candidates graced our company noticeboard for six months. The poor man's name was "Anil Dikshit".

If there was ever a case for using a deed poll, this was it.