h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yeah, that's close enough.

I think so.

ok, spiders are evil, but snakes are lovely. Anyway, it's not them you need to fear in Ireland, its the big cats and bears and stuff:

"Last year, police on a routine drugs raid in a Dublin suburb found an adult jaguar and a serval (a wild cat) in a garage. In another incident at a Limerick farm, an ex-circus bear, two Siberian tigers, two tiger cubs and a baboon were found."

Well, I live in Limerick City, so I dont think I'd worry too much about wild animals. Only the gang wars.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Confuse confuse confuse!
Confuse confuse confuse!

Lalalalala confuse confuse,
Lalalalala confuse confuse!


Confuse confuse confuse!
Confuse confuse confuse!

Lalalalala confuse confuse,
Lalalalala CONFUSE!!!!


Confuse confuse confuse!
Confuse confuse confuse!

Lalalalala confuse confuse,..........oh fingers tired


oops, too hyper

I think they've gone.

You're far too hopeful, then.

And Yael, sorry to hear the horrible news. Hope no one that you knew was on that bus.



*The robot materializes in the middle of the dancers*

Robot-That wasn't the off switch. That was the battery test button. I have no accessible off switch. Is that the best that you can do?

*walks over to robot and kisses it*

oh no big boy, we can do way more.

*calls one of the dreaded Nazgul into being with the magic words...*

What's a Nazgul like you doing in a place like this?

*calls his mate Ivan the russian arms dealer*

(to ivan)yeah, yeah. I'll need it quickly, preferably buried a few miles below us, yeah thanks, let me know when it's ready

*I don't think.... subjected himself to an electric shock when kissing the robot. Let's see if he notices!*

Robot-I am not concerned by your veiled threats. By all means, unleash your Nazgul and Russian Arms.

just curious, what kinda computer you got in there?

Robot-To answer such a question would be very detrimental to my endeavors. But suffice it to say that I don't use Windows, Mac, or Linux operating systems.

you're running OS/2? How do you manage to stay up for so long?

*stops the frantic skipping, and approaches Nerg. She stands in front of him, proud and sombre, and looks him square in the eye (yes, even if you're wearing one of those silly-looking-one-sided-glass-eyeguard-things, I don't care, I AM looking you square in the eye!)*













*Oh, the suspence. Who will blink first?*













*and suddenly, she screams:*

NO CONTINUITY!!!!!!
*maniacal high-pitched laugh*


Now you see me, now you don't!

*dissappears*


*appears a moment later behind him*

And there I am again. *sly smile* And you'll never guess what I've been doing...

*a couple of the stumped ships shrink to the size of sparrows and fall to the ground, where they smash to a zillion pieces*

*maniacal high-pitched laugh*

*s float around*


*doesn't join the dance, but instead runs and hide when the macintosh rebels come speeding around the planet to attack the first people they see, which happens to be the stumped fleet/ships/ship*

Robot-No, I don't use OS/2 either. You *are* aware that it is possible for people to create their own operating systems, correct? Anyway, since you don't feel like attacking me at the moment, I'll start.

*The robot walks over to the front door of the headquarters and rips off the door. Looks around and tries to decide what to do next*


Gecko Warrior-Sir, there's another fleet of ships approaching!

Chameleon-Hmmm. What type of ship?

Gecko Warrior-Our sensors indicate that all of their ships use Macintosh equipment.

Chameleon-Oh, for the love of....okay then. Show me the list of Supervillains that we have on board this ship. Not counting myself.

*The viewing screen alters and displays a list of roughly one dozen supervillains who haven't yet joined STUMPED but are on board the Draco to see if the organization is right for them. Chameleon looks over the list and selects....*

Chameleon-CRACKER JACK! Report!

Cracker Jack VO-Greetingage.

Chameleon-You're the world's greatest computer hacker, yes?

CJVO-Yep.

Chameleon-Take down that fleet! It's all Macintosh equipment.

CJVO-I got just the tools for the job, yo.

*Within just a few seconds, the mouth of the dragon's head at the front of the Draco opens, and a standard energy net is unleashed. Thanks to the incredible skills and prowess of this computer cracker, the Macintosh Fleet is now on a Kamikazee mission for the MotMV headwuarters*

*mobile rings*
Yes? oh hi Ivan, it's ready is it?

*switches off all his electrical devices*

*there is a muffled whump, the earth shakes*

*looks at his watch it has stopped working, smiles smugly*

Trust me. Cracker Jack knows all that he needs to know to disable those ships. Would've been the same for a fleet from Microsoft or Linux.


Oh, and I'll assume that you just set off an EMP field. So, too be absolutely fair,....


*The robot shuts off. At the same time, four of the lowest flying of the thousands of Scuttler ships also shut off and crash into the ground. A few moments later, a probe flies from the sky, and shoots the robot with a beam of purple energy. The robot reactivates as the probe flies back to its origin*

Robot-Incorrect strategy. My mind is located on a computer that is located a safe distance from the blast. Even if it was, my circuitry, not being from this planet, was not damaged before the robot could be turned off. You'll have to do better than that. Can you cause me any actual damage, or are you content to waste a Nazgul on me?

*The robot demolishes the arch that the door used to be a part of. The resulting pile of rubble blocks entrance into the building*

*the Mac fleet reboot into Classic and return to their original course*

*get's phone out*

Yeah, Station, is that you? Yeah ok, shut up, you know that work you did with Mr Preston and Mr Logan, could you send it round to MotMV HQ, oh and the afore mentioned gentlemen and the other three would be useful aswell, yes I know he's death, and for that reason he'll be really useful here right now

Oh, Cracker Jack can name them all. I sure can't, but then again, I'm not the supervillain, am I?



Chameleon-Well, we outnumber that fleet easily. We might as well have some fun while we're here. Pull the Draco back (wouldn't want to smudge The Krylma Leader's paint job, after all), and have the rest of the orbitting fleet attack. B Pattern. Oh, and call in three more of our supervillain trainees. You know the ones that I'm talking about. Yes, the ugly ones that we've got on loan from the Gam Room Storytellers.


*The sky darkens as a rift forms in the air. Out of this rift gallop three horses, atop which ride three horsemen. The first, riding atop a horse that is practically skeletal, looks like he hasn't eaten in years. The second, riding a horse that is covered in wounds yet still going strong, is a warrior who bears similar description. The third, riding a horse that looks like it could collapse at any moment, is a man who looks very, very ill*

War-We are three of the four horsemen.

Famine-Our mission here is a simple one.

Pestilence-Cause havoc and confusion. Until we see some direct action against that robot.

Robot-Hi.

OI War, Where's Clancey? ohh...

Hang on lads, I've got a great idea...

*runs off, shortly to return*