h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*An unsuspecting young man turns up in a black leather jacket, wearing an obscene t-shirt and sporting Johnny rotten-esque hair*

*He looks around, and sets fire to a nearby bin*

*Sets fire to all the other bins*

*Takes out spray can, gives it a shake, and sprays Clapton is God in massive letters on the wall*

Am I stealing Asteroid Lil's act?
Certainly not. This is deadly serious.

*Sprays Sid Vicious is God*

*sprays Rights For Young People*

*sprays More Oak Trees In England*

*sprays More Red Squirrels In England*

*sprays onscene things over the unsprayed parts of the wall*

Phew! I need a rest.

I think you need another wall.
*squints and leans back to take it all in*
And a dictionary of colloquialisms. Look, you misspelled
"obscene".

Have you actually joined the Misfits, young man?
I think the post of Graffiti Sprayer may still be
open, and you certainly have a good CV on the
wall, here.

*slides can of soda cautiously toward
lad with spray can*

Yeah I am a misfit!
The Official Drinks Spiker!

What's a colloquialism?

Thanks for the can!
*poses for Sex Pistols-esque photograph: the one with Johnny Rotten spraying a can of lager at the camera with the band grinning behind him. Surely y'know!*

Hmmm, but I think people aren't getting my message.

*headbutts window*

*opens window*

You there, young man. What day is today?

Frink! Thank heavens you're here!
*Flattens self against wall then suddenly
realizes wall is wet with spray paint*

*Comes along in disguise with a balaclava, and hits the wall with a cricket bat.*
This is for them oak trees!
*Hits everything in sight*

Atkin! Look what you've started!

*tries to look at own back* What does my jacket say?
K ... C ...

Frink! Help!

Atkin?!?!?!?!
A curse on you Sandra, my secret is out!

C'mere Bluebottle, and let's show these concrete jungles what we think of them.
Up the trees!

*headbutts other window*

Today is Tuesday. I hate Tueasdays.

*headbutts all the windows*

Cool, I can flick this blood around the walls and it looks cool. A monument to the pains we suffer in our fight for rights!

And Oak trees rights..
Do you realise how much blood oak trees have shed?????
No?!!!!
You don't care! Well I do!
*runs off destroying nasty things*

*smashes bus shelter*

Yeh, uproot the shelters and plant trees in their place! Trees for the red squirrels! And give young people the right to admire them!

Now, is there something I haven't smashed yet?

I'm not smashed, but give me a few moments at the bar and I'll take care of that.

As the lowest ranking member of the security squad here at the clubhouse, I must protest TV, I think I need a raise. Oh ya, You there, you should not do that!

Why not? How many oak trees have you planted since you arrived here, hey? Hey? NONE!
If you're not part of the sollution, man, you're part of the problem!

"Problem, problem, problem,
The problem is you, and whatcha gonna do
With your problem, I'll leave it to you
Problem, the problem is you
You got a problem, oh whatcha gonna do?"

How do you expect me to plant a tree in concrete? Oh, smash up the concrete floor I suppose.
Remember, I've just pulled out the axe from the vending machine.

*slices vending machines to smithereens*

*jumps on frightened horse and runs away*

How dare you abuse mother nature by jumping on it?
I abuse Human monstrosities like concrete by jumping on them!
*Jumps up and down on the pavement very threateningly*

Not much in the way of mother nature around here.

Better make some space for it .

Hmmm, this building's right where I'd like the trees to be...

Hmmmm.........