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A motorbike is a crude metal framework isolated from the ground by two rubber hoops. While many explain the benefits of this arrangement, all it really means is that you fall over when you stop.

Motorbikes are often equipped with disproportionately large engines that propel the machine and its rider at hazardous speeds. Should the rider fall off, he or she will come into contact with the road, slide along its surface and vanish into the scenery. If you hear muffled cries for an ambulance coming from a tree, don't worry, it's only a motorcyclist.

As a method of transport, motorbikes are dreadful. If you ride them in the rain, you get wet. If you ride them in the sun, it will start to rain. There is no glove compartment and no cigarette lighter. There is also no steering wheel: you determine your route by leaning in the direction you wish to travel, just as you would if you were drunk.

You also have to wear a bulbous metal hat with a visor. If you open the visor, your mouth fills up with wasps and your head vibrates. If you close it, the wasps can't get out and you have to swallow them.

Motorcyclists ride everywhere at 170mph. This means that car drivers can't see them, and have accidents with them. Motorcyclists therefore hate car drivers.

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