h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At least we had something to celebrate.....

yeah well, what goes around comes around

good god, now we can't even think of good comebacks

it is surely a sign of the end times

span

I blame the Australians for hogging all the hot air. According to the Dominion newspaper, all the high pressure systems are being caught by the Australian Bight leaving NZ with nothing but polar air. Bloody typical First the netball world cup, then the rugby world cup, now they steal summer

Summer? What summer? There's no summer around here! Coldest, most miserable summer that I can remember for a long time. We were blaming you guys! Hadn't thought of a reason yet but still...

Did you hear about a visiting Pommie Lord or somesuch (the details escape me) who, when asked upon entering Australia by the customs guys if he had a criminal record, replied, 'My dear fellow, I had no idea it was still a mandatory requirement for entry.' Needless to say, the customs guys (or whatever the hell they are) were not terribly impressed.

Jeez, and to think I voted against the Republic. Fair dinkum, youse should all roll your swags and shoot through like a Bondi tram.

Walter.

Um... what?

Scratches head. I suspect a Pom has stumbled into this forum. At least it gives us something to unite in despising.

Gooday Looneytunes etc (sorry, I don't know how to do all those catchy thingies),

Despise is a bit harsh. Sympathy, perhaps, for those less fortunate than the Wizards of Oz. Should we ignore, or combine to enlighten them? Take care,

Walter.

Imagine the universal strife if the rest of the world didn't have us Poms to despise? Not much of a consolation, I suppose, but it cheers me up when the cricket's on, anyway.

Isn't it about time that England quietly gave up any hopes of ever regaining the Ashes and started meaningful competition against someone of cricketing ability closer to our own, like Bangladesh? Or maybe Holland? Should make for a close series.

Bloody English cricket

Does England still play cricket?
Sympathy indeed.

And, to be honest, I haven't heard those allegedly 'Ozzie' phrases since the last time they came out of an Englishman's mouth. Personally, I think you should get yourself down here, have a drink or two with either Australians or our hospitible NZ neighbours and find out how to really talk my friend .

Gooday Wowbagger,

Thanks for the advice. The drinks sound fine but if it is okay with you I might just retain my sense of humour and the way I speak. Take care,

Walter.

Walter, the term is G'day.

And we do care. We really do. About important stuff like, cold beer, hot women (the women prefer hot men) and warm weather.

Gooday Looneytunes etc,

Others have made the point about g'day vs gooday. Given that Enzedders are so thoroughly confused about how to pronounce their vowels, it occasions no surprise that you prefer to omit a couple. I can understand, too, why you like cold beer, it helps to prevent the truly awful taste of NZ grog reaching the palate. Take care,

Walter.

How do you go with good arvo?

Incidently good day is two words. Queen's English and all that old boy.

NZ Steinlager, voted best beer in the world at an international beer-tasting competition in 1999. As their advertising slogan says, "They're drinking our beer everywhere".

Walter, it's quite strong, so take care if you get lucky enough to try a glass or three at some stage.

Gooday again Looneytunes etc,

We don't speak or write the Queen's English in Margate. I bought a carton of Steinlager a few months ago (it was on special, a sure sign that better-informed people than me had shunned it), but it clearly does not travel well and we had to trade in what was left on a carton of Boag's Premium, you know, the beer that won this year's international suds champeenship. But I can understand why Steinlager is strong - you soon get too Brahms to notice the insipid taste. And it was clever of the Enzedders to give it a German-sounding name so that unsuspecting drinkers would be conned into thinking they were buying a half-way decent brew. But once bitten etc. Take care,

Walter.

Walter, it was so pleasant to hear from you again.

I hope the brewery that makes Boag's Premium is not situated near Thor Chemicals.

*From a website*

Solicitor's Leigh, Day and Co said that Thor Chemicals began manufacturing mercury products at their plant in Margate, England.

"Throughout the 1980s the plant was criticised continually by the UK Health and Safety Executive for bad working practices over exposure of UK workers to mercury.

I think I may pour myself a glass of Steinlager - the NZ water used in its brewing being cool-blue, glacier-fresh.

Oh, and Walter, be careful mate, mercury is an extremly nasty substance.

Gooday Looneytunes,

Nice to hear from you, too, but sorry cobber, wrong Margate. Take care,

Walter.

Walter, my main man, please accept my sincerest apologies.

I am mortified at getting you confused with the Poms.

Probably as mortified as the whole Australian nation was after the 1984 Olympic Games in Los Angelas.

I'm sure you remember them well - they were the ones where NZ won 13 gold medals, while Aus won 5.

I remain, as always, a caring person.

Loony

Gooday Looneytunes,

Bledisloe Cup, rugby league, soccer, netball, cricket, - why go on, it must pain you so to be reminded, but it is entirely understandable that you dwell upon past but scarcely remembered glories. While I have an abiding interest in history I also try to stay in touch with the present, and the immediate future, which inevitably brings me to the subject of next month's Olympics. Would you care to share with us your forecast as to how many medals, gold or otherwise, will be won by NZ competitors? Of course, that assumes NZ is actually sending a team. Take care,

Walter.