h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gooday Wowbagger,

So you should feel fine. The game wasn't much of a spectacle, but most grand finals are in that category and anyway, a win is a win. What really worries me is that Looneytunes predicted South Africa and the Roosters to win. He also predicted Essendon - has he put the mockers on the mighty Bombers? Mind you, Loony will probably say that football tipping is passe. Take care,

Walter.

Football? I'm getting mentally prepared to spend a bit of time watching the mighty NZ cricket machine* whip Zimbabwee.

CVs. Just by word-of-mouth I get asked to prepare one approx every two or three weeks. I spent about 90 minutes yesterday doing one. Payment was 12 bottles of Heinekin. ($NZ21)

*Victors over the Aussies at the last World Cup. An event somewhat fortuiously won by Australia.

Gooday Looneytunes,

I need to chat with you about football and cricket and really important stuff, but am actually being required to work today, so only time for a few quick questions. Interesting about the CVs, although I couldn't but help note that you took payment in Heineken, not Steinlager. Is this because (a) that was your designated fee; or (b) that's just what the client came up with; or (c) both of you know what slops Steinlager is and wouldn't dream of receiving/giving/drinking it yourselves, as distinct from recommending it to unsuspecting non-NZ nationals? Take care, cobber,

Walter.

Because I was being paid in green dollars I thought it appropriate the bottles were coloured green. A lot of the work I do is paid in goods and services instead of cash. Tax-wise it normally works out good for both parties.

Walter have I ever told you about Bill Pickering. He was the New Zealander in charge of the NASA team that successfully landed a man on the moon. As an ambitious nation we have always reached for the stars. Ed Hilary first man to climb Everest... As a bright nation we are always been in the forefront of important scientific break-throughs. Ernie Rutherford, the father of atomic energy... As drinkers we know our beer is not just world-class it is up there with the best of them. Steinlager, replacing Fosters in bars worldwide, yet another NZ success story.

As a caring nation we have always shared our knowledge with the less bright nations of the world. America, Nepal, Australia...

Excuse me for interrupting, but I thought that you antipodean folks might like to be check out a light-hearted 'alternative Ashes' that we're thinking about doing. Go to the cricket pitch here: http://www.h2g2.com/F51120?thread=72378 cheers, Nex... :-) PS we'll even save you some nice warm beer if you hurry...

Gooday Looneytunes,

We learn something every day - I didn't know Rutherford was a Kiwi. Far be it from me to demean the achievements of Pickering, but he is not exactly a household name, is he? Not like Sir Edmund, the second man to conquer Everest. I'm surprised you couldn't find a spot in your Hall of Fame for Dame Kiri, or Jonathan Lomu, or Walker the miler. Wasn't Snell an Enzedder? And the incomparable Sutcliffe, your finest-ever cricketer, and Sir Richard? With so few luminaries to choose from you can't afford to omit any.

Is Boag's Premium available over in the land otlwc? If it is, do yourself a favour and try one or three. You might be surprised. Pleasantly. Take care cobber,

Walter.

Walter, I haven't come across Boag's Premium. I will have to look out for it. Some of our supermarkets import exotic brews. Is Boag's made by Cascade Breweries? (A once-upon-a-time NZ-controlled enterprise).

Gentlemen, I have some excellent news for the sagging Australian economy. I have just dropped my brother off at the airport. He is flying to Perth where he plans to live for a couple of years. My advice to you. Buy shares in WA Inc.

Gooday Looneytunes,

No, Boags is not made by Cascade. Funny you should mention Cascade. That brewery used to make the best beer in the world until it was taken over by the rapacious Enzedders. The grog went from excellent to ordinary and after Lion Nathan sold it again Cascade took years to slowly win back its reputation, standard and share of the marketplace. A bit like Jaguar when British Leyland bought it in the seventies.

Noted that your brother has the good sense and good taste to adopt Western Australia. Don't hear much about WA Inc these days, although Carmen Lawrence is about to be re-promoted to the Opposition's front bench.

What was the previous highest score against the All Blacks? The beloved has more or less forgiven you, by the way, although it is a delicate balance that you could tip very easily. Take care, cobber.


PS My princess of a daughter just returned from a holiday in NZ. This is the third or fourth year in a row that she has been there. She and her beloved love the place, but there is no accounting for taste, even in someone as discerning, discriminating and intelligent as my darling daughter usually is.

Walter.

Not sure about the previous highest score against the mighty All Blacks. It may have been the score posted against them by France in the infamous 1999 World Cup disaster/tragedy.

I note your daughter's love affair with NZ. Does she come over for the skiing? In Xenaland our hills have to be at least 5000 feet high to be classed as mountains - not 500 feet as in mainland Aus. Talking about mountains. Ed Hillary 6ft 6in tall and weighing 18 stone, Tensing 5ft 2in, 8 stone. Pretty easy to work out who got to the top of Everest first. Incidently Tensing is dead, Hillary is not.

Without wanting to put a slur on your daughter's intelligence, I can't help wondering why she lives in Tasmania.

Please pass this chocolate on to your beloved. The hands of peace reaching across the ocean or a small gesture, by a caring man, to end the scourge of global starvation? You decide.

Loony celebrating the first day of spring under a cloud-free sky while suffering from a hangover caused by over-celebrating the last day of winter.

Gooday Looneytunes,

Gee, we have been busy this morning, haven't we? Thank you for bringing back to mind that glorious semi-final from the 1999 World Cup; a truly exhilarating match, the type they must watch in Heaven.

Yes, the Apple of my Eye does venture over for the skiing, although she has done some other heartstopping (my heart, not hers) deeds of derring-do like bungy-jumping, and this last trip she fell out of an aeroplane on purpose. And no, there is no slur, my Princess lives in Melbourne.

Sherpa Tensing may be dead, but will be remembered always for his noble and self-effacing gesture in allowing it to appear as if Sir Edmund got to the top of Everest first. Indeed some less kind than me have reservations as to whether the oversized Sir E made it to the top at all, and one can't help wondering if they are not right - at 18 stone he would have got out of breath scaling his front fence.

Lovely gesture, the chocolate. I will speed it on its way.

And yes, CELEBRATE the first day of Spring, it really is a wonderful day, a bloody glad to be alive day. I am not going to let the fact that the Vernal Equinox is still three weeks away dampen my enthusiasm for celebrating TODAY as the day Spring has sprung upon us Antipodeans, and I'm glad to discover you see it the same way, cobber.

I'm taking the arvo off, so you haveagoodweekend Looney. And cobber - take care.

Walter.

Exciting news. I have managed to track down an interview containing Dame Edna Everage's views on the Olympics.

Loath as I am to praise one so unrepresentative of Australian sophistication, it was Sir Les Patterson - former Cultural Attaché to the Court of St James - whose native cunning led to Sydney being chosen for the Millennium Games. That, and the careful placing of a brown paper bag crammed with Swiss francs into the pocket of a member of the International Olympic Council. This will explain why the Games were snatched away from more obvious contenders such as Beijing and Manchester.

Sir Les has spent five years touring the world first class on Qantas, all at the taxpayers' expense, touting support for Sydney, accompanied by his unsavoury drinking companion, the former Australian trades union official Lance Boyle and a bevy of approachable "research assistants".

If Australia had become a republic there can be little doubt I'd be opening the Games myself. The recent discovery in my lineage of Irish-Catholic blood would automatically have projected me to the Presidency of Australia. But it was not to be.

My experiences during the 1956 Olympics in Melbourne, when I accommodated a Latvian shot-putter at our lovely Moonee Ponds home, would have made me uniquely qualified as an Olympic advisor.
In those far-off days, of course, I was just an ordinary housewife and mother of three toddlers. It had been my hope to kindle this symbol of the Games, using my newly patented "Flaming Edna" barbie igniter. My couturier son, Kenny, aided by his live-in partner Clifford Smail, had also designed a special fur bikini - made from a humanely culled kangaroo - for me to wear as I ran a lap of honour around the stadium. But a pushy official chose his own ghastly daughter to perform the honours.

I am not a bitter woman, but I had hoped the Olympics would present an opportunity for a family reunion. We could have occupied the Royal Box for major events - and been together as a real family once again. Sadly this cannot be. Apart from my American commitments, I no longer speak to my daughter, Valmai, who co-operated in Andrew Morton's book, The Real Edna. My pain has also been deepened with the revelation in the Sydney tabloid press that she has gone through a form of marriage ceremony to a retired female Czech tennis player and is now pregnant with a surrogate child.

In addition to the recognised events of track and field, the Sydney Olympics will include some uniquely Australian sports, including wombat wrestling, projectile vomiting, emu racing and dwarf-hurling. A special arena has also been built for the popular sport of immigrant-bashing. In this event, a bronzed, muscular Australian surfer will pour scorn on some hapless immigrant. A Pommie-baiting event will also be held involving a weedy Englishman wearing a string vest, who will also be subjected to considerable ridicule.

In the various food outlets around the arena, spectators will have a wide choice of such delicacies as Kylie Burgers, meaty Greer Pies, the very filling Clive James Sausage and Lethal Prawns 3 (or Mel Gibsons - as in "chuck a couple of Gibbos on the barbie").

For the health-conscious, my personal chef Donna Bennetts has concocted the Edna Platter, a melange of braised kookaburra breasts on a bed of eucalyptus leaves. She has also come up with the Jason Donovan: a puff pastry which is extraordinarily light on the tongue.

I am encouraging all visitors to take in aboriginal culture following my discovery of blood links with our indigenous folk. There had been mystery in our family about the racial origins of my great-great-grandfather but I recently found - at the bottom of an old suitcase - a perished, hand-woven loin cloth which bore the faded outline of an undoubtedly male well-built figure. Carbon-dating revealed what appeared to be a large didgeridoo. Forensic historians consider the Loincloth of Moonee Ponds to he a Down Under version of the Shroud of Turin.

Many have asked why my bridesmaid, Madge Allsop, has not been adopted as one of the Olympic Games's mascots, along with Millie (anteater), Syd (platypus) and Olly (a kookaburra). The sad truth is that Madge is a New Zealander, banned from being a mascot.

Next year will see the 2001 Prostate Olympics, which I am attending as patroness-in-chief. These are held in memory of my late husband, who was himself big in the prostate department. They will feature aquatic events and proceeds will go to the Waterfall Home Appeal, Melbourne, Victoria (e-mail: www.slowdrip.co.aus ).

AND A FINAL WORD... To all British competitors in the forthcoming Olympics, Dame Edna advises - "Stay home!" Such is the prowess of our Australian sportsmen, women and don't knows, that it is pointless for the poor Poms to participate. Better to remain in the Old Country, possums, and run around the Dome.

As I have said on previous occaisions, the only reason we admit that Barry Humphries is Australian is that, on occaision, he says something clever. I'm still waiting.

Gooday Wowbagger,

Right on. But don't you think it's instructive that the Kiwis can recite BH's stuff at the drop of a hat and we natives of OZ wouldn't know what he is saying in his various guises from one year to the next? I rather suspect that it has something to do with Enzedders being sympatico with and relating to Sir Les and Dame Edna. Take care,

Walter.

The push for a no neck-tie zone in Queensland gathered momentum yesterday as politicians of all persuasions warmed to the idea. There was even a suggestion that Queensland men should go further than just taking off their ties and shed their jackets as well. But politicians said Queensland was not yet ready to see MPs in safari suits.

It was not mentioned if they go hatless when out in the midday sun.

Sounds sensible to me.
Those native to the Northern Territory would agree too. Ties represent fashion based on cold climates. A horrible throwback to European sensibilities. Get rid of them, that's what I say.
Having said that, it would be unfortunate if the safari suit replaced it. People think politicians are foolish enough as it is. With a safari suit you might as well post a 'kick me' sign on their backs.

As for BH - he's about Australian as Fosters - and no self respecting Australian has drunk that foul stuff in years.

Cheers

Gooday Wowbagger,

It's not the greatest syrup in the world, but Fosters is still better than that Enzed bat's piss Steinlager, and anyway, Fosters' latest commercial is unquestionably the definitive interpretation of Australians, Australia and Australian-ness.

Other than that we are all, sadly, agreed; let's cut the knot that ties us to an irrelevant and archaic piece of sartorial baggage. Plus have you noticed what ties cost nowadays? I saw a plain blue tie a while back emblazoned with a single (but tastefully represented) Red Squirrel and it was $200.00. Fair dinkum.

Looney, the beloved is thawing slightly, but did ask was the chocolate of Belgian manufacture, or some dismal Antipodean effort like say Cadbury's or that eminently forgettable stuff sold in NZ? Rather than queer your pitch I felt it prudent to take the fifth and reserve my right to speak on the adjournment.

Take care both,

Walter.

Walter, you can assure your beloved that NZ chocolate are made using creamy milk taken from grass-grazing, healthy, contented, kiwi cud-chewers. None of that mad-cow disease causing, dioxin-contaminated, rubbish, fed to Pom/European cows passes their lovely bovine lips.

Help guys. The Poms are fighting back.

On NZ TV news tonight, it was reported Pommieland's Sunday Express has claimed that new measurements make K2 slightly higher than Mt Everest. Two Italains were first to climb K2.

A Kiwi was first to climb both.

K2 is taller?
PErhaps one shrunk in the cold weather. It's been known to happen (or so I'm told )

Gooday Looneytunes,

Have been distracted by mundane things like work over the past few days, but wouldn't want you to think I had suddenly stopped being interested in your well-being. Haveagoodweekend and take care. You too, Wowbagger.

Walter.

Walter thank you for your kind words.

Last night I met up with a 20-year-old girl, Amanda, from Oregon, USA. I first came across her here on h2g2. She is the first person from h2g2 I have ever met up with. Amanda has been living and working in NZ since May. After giving her the guided tour of that well-known Pacific gem, my home town Napier, we had a meal and adjoined to my club where we discussed, among other things, how much nicer NZ was than Aus.

She flies home early next week and plans to return down-under next year. Apple-picking in Tasmania - now that's something I might recommend to her while we tread the wine-trail later today.

Incidently NZ has more trees than Oregon - and they're bigger.