h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Vestboy you are that Spice - they only didn't include you in the band because you would have outshone them all.

I can see it now! My name in lights!
Lovely Spice!
Of course everyone in the fan club would know that my real name was Vestboy and I had ferrets in my underpants, and I wouldn't wear a union jack because it was against my principles and Hello and Exchange and Mart would run my life story and fans would chase me up the street wanting my autograph - and I wouldn't be able to run away for fear of crushing a ferret between my thighs...

And then I could become a special embassador to the United nations and cure all the diseases in the world! And set all captive ferrets free.

ahhhh but could you cope with the platforms?

Shoes or stages?

well either and indeed, both! Plus you realise that with the false eyelashes that are compulsory you will have to tip your head backwards to be able to get your eyes open.

Great marketing opportunity - a range of Lovely Spice vests with "Vest Power" written on them!

ferret power would be better - particulary as Posh has a scary resemblance to one!

You are sure I won't look silly with big eyelashes. I hate looking silly!

well I think it will be alright if we go for quite natural looking ones rather then the glitter - I mean you are going for the lovely rather then tarty look. I tell you the first time I tried them I looked in the mirror and murmured "Where have you little devils been all my life!"

Was there someone in the room with you, then?

only two of the most gorgeous eyes it had ever been my fortune ever to look into (via a mirror) if I say so myself

Only two? Were you expecting more? Were there more but they were't so gorgeous?
What happened to the eye lashes? Do you still wear them and can you post a photograph?

I don't wear them for work - science isn't that glamorous!!! Ask Wellies!

Science! Sloane Square! Richard Whiteley! What a mystery you are! And with false lashes to boot. Ask Wellies? Is that an ancient Hibernian phrase?

Why does everyone think I am Scottish!!!! oh I know - the name. No - it is not a Scottish thing - Wellies is a h2g2 researcher who is actually researching radioactive yeast or something like that in real life! Any way it means he can invent glowing beer!

Extremely convenient should the lights go out in the pub.

yes and would have kept the home fires burning nicely during the Blitz even if it did contravene black out regulations. Anyway I have thought of another use for it but I can't tell you until I have discussed it with him - intellectual property rights and all.

Let me guess, luminous urine - so pissed blokes can actually find the toilet (as opposed to the bathroom floor) in the middle of the night.

So I'm in for a third, then?

No because my idea is deeper then that and has great implications for medical science!

How about this then. You set up a brewery on the moon and then when there is about to be an eclipse (what a link) all of the stopcocks are opened and when the moon glides in front of the sun we don't have to be in the dark!

I could arrange to have canals dug in the shape of letters and then the words "Lovely Spice is the greatest and wears the best vest" would miraculously appear in the middle of the whole thing. Might cost a few bob though!