h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For those that are new to this game, the season is inevitably preceded by a set of optimistically accurate prediction from me, which are later ridiculed by Egon, GreyDesk or both, in May. Although I seem to recall performing reasonably well last year, so maybe after three years of number crunching I'm beginning to form some sort of insight into this game.

The third round of bidding is all but complete. Egon and SBE are missing but one player each, and I have faith that Sprout will fill up his squad once he gets back from holiday. There is certainly the talent available.

But, for now, on with the important business of predictions.

Athletico Aardvark (Magwitch). Mag has put in some unconventional bids in the past, so this team looks reasonably normal. I wouldn't count on many points from Essien, Makalele or Fabregas in midfield: good players at good clubs though they are, they all have a very iffy pedigree in PP. The defence looks more like it, and has been carefully chosen to provide a few goals and assists into the bargain. Yakubu and Kevin Davies (making a PP debut, by the by) will surely net a decent amount of goals. Prediction: 11th

Dickie Hart and the Pacemakers (SBE). The most mind-bogglingly awful strike partnership I have ever seen will hopefully receive decent support from behind. Lucas Neill and Jihai Sun have been regular points-scorers in the past, and I'm sure Ballack will step up to the mark. Surely there must be changes up front later in the season, though. Prediction: 13th

Double Trouble (Sprout). Will have virtually unopposed bidding this weekend, and I would expect him to pick up something like Isaksson, Samuel, Ziegler, Mendes to complete his squad. On this basis, another sound season is in the offing. Sprout has good PP experience and has already picked up 5 proven points-scorers, plus a slight gamble in Benni McCarthy. There's not quite enough flair here to make it really big this season, though. Prediction: 8th

FC Ragazzi Della Torta (Psycorp). After a rather shocking 2nd place last season, Psy is out to consolidate, although I think there might be one too many weak links in his team. Andy van der Meyde is not a natural goalscorer, and Harry Kewell is notorious for PP underachievement. There's no telling how many goals Charlton or Middlesbrough's defences might leak, and having two Liverpool strikers might halve the opportunity to score points if Crouch starts. Prediction: 9th

Limited Resources (Bubba-fretts). Bubba went at the bidding with a clear gameplan: bid high for the best defence, and pick up any spare midfielders and strikers who might score points. There's a very good chance that this might really have paid dividends. I'll eat my hat if his defence isn't 30 points ahead of anyone else's at the end of the season, he has four midfielders who are no strangers to PP points, and two strikers who - though not prolific - may well pick up 10 goals or so each. I think this strategy has paid off magnificently. Prediction: 1st

Lord Rockingham's XI (Egon). Having poured his money into Henry for the second consecutive season, Egon is clearly paving the way for PP's all-time top-scorer to carry his team into the upper reaches of the League. He seems to have a solid midfield (mostly beginning with the letter A) to back that up, although his defence might be a little leaky and cost him that much-desired top spot. Prediction: 3rd

Los Champignones (Skankyrich). A curate's egg. The defence might struggle to start many matches between them; the front six are incredibly prone to being sent off. There's tons of points to be had from this team, but getting all of them on the pitch at the same time might be the tricky bit. Prediction: 6th

Organcheese Academicals (Montague Trout). On the face of it, a very strong team. Even if ManUre underperform this season, MT can expect each member of his team to get well into double figures. Perhaps there's a slight question mark over two strikers at new clubs, but there's every reason to believe that they will settle reasonably well. Prediction: 2nd

Real Losers United FC (Nirvanite). Came in to beat Psycorp, and frankly doesn't stand much of a chance. One of his strikers is no guarantee to start, the other has just broken his ankle. At least three of his midfield have laughably poor PP past form, and most of the defence is inconsistent. Luckily, there is a lot of cash in reserve for transfers. Because, at the minute, this team will be lucky to get off the bottom. Prediction: 15th

Seventeen (GreyDesk). I suppose we can forgive Desky the sentimental purchase of two Blades players, and it has to be said he's certainly picked the two with the likelihood of getting a few points. That aside, the defence seems woefully inconsistent, and Djemba-Djemba has been second only to Phil Neville in terms of laughing stock over the last couple of years. It might be a disappointing year for GD. Prediction: 12th

Slap Up My Team (McKay). McKay has left a lot of cash in reserve, which implies he's only too ready to ring the changes with this team. With that in mind, it's hard to make predictions, although my money's on Boateng and Cygan being first out the door. Ameobi, as Newcastle's one and only recognised striker, must score a few points, otherwise it's hard to see this team making any sort of impact. Prediction: 10th

Sven Produces Losses (Demon Drawer). DD will be anxious to shake off his 'PP Loser' tag, and this team might give him decent hope. A couple of his team might not be automatic starters for their Premiership club, but he has a free-scoring front line without much competition for their first-team place and a dynamic and exciting midfield. Perhaps the whole team will hinge on David James and how he fares at Pompey: a worrying prospect? Prediction: 7th

The Terranic Knights (Terran). Clearly plunging money into Merseyside, with a maxmimum quota from both Liverpool and Everton. Picking four centre-back might not prove to be a wise choice if their respective teams don't keep a clean sheet. The front six look exciting: Murphy and Gerrard have always scored plenty, and if the two ugly strikers can chip in a few, we could be looking at a pretty successful team here. Prediction: 4th

Toilet Rabbit Albion (Trin Tragula). Trin jumped on a bandwagon of a team last year and shot into the top half of the table. With his own choice of players, he might find it a bit harder. Three Fulham players (including one probable non-starter) reeks of desperation a little bit, and I wouldn't expect De Zeeuw or Young to perform as well as they did last season. Van Persie should notch a few now Bergkamp's gone, but Vassell has been a notorious underachiver in PP. This looks like a team that will struggle. Prediction: 14th

Unreal Madrid (me[Andy]g). The bidding has gone much better for Andy this year, and I reckon he's uncovered some serious threats in Shevchenko, Gonzalez and (last year's star buy) Benayoun. Assuming Ronaldo doesn't get booed out of England and that his defence of full-backs manage to cross in their share of assists, this could be a good solid season. Prediction: 5th.

Come on now. Last year I had Angel, Weir, Sorensen, Traore and Scott Parker, and still came fourth. And you think my sides need players on the pitch?

I'm so confident, I'll send a bottle of Devon spring water - still or sparkling, your choice - to anyone who finishes above. Generous? No. I can get them in bulk quite cheaply, you know...

I like your prediction I'm gonna finish two places my best season so far!

I have to say, the overall quality of the teams is higher this year than I have ever known it. My initial draft set of predictions (before I made necessary adjustments) had 11 team finishing in the Top 7. So don't take anything for granted.

There's been a lot more concentration on defence and strikers, which might explain the excess of world-class midfielders still on the Player Lists.

B

Should I withdraw my offer of spring water, then?

Woohoo!! Bottom prediction, which meansd even one place off the bottom is a bonus. and its my first season too!!!

Yes. I don't like to be so hard on the newbies, but it does take a certain amount of idiocy to bid for Phil Neville.

B

So all I've got to do is not finish in the bottom two and I'll have confounded expectations?

It's a big ask ...

Bridesmaids.

Flattered I am. Defence is a bit of a punt, none of whom are assured of a place. Midfield is fine. I'm sure Berbatov will be fine, if he beats Keane/Defoe for a place in the starting XI. Hasselbaink needs to keep his head and he'll be right.

To be fair, Pogatetz and Garcia are placeholders so I can get a sly cheap bid in for replacements later in the season. Probably for some daft ex-Leeds player. Well, let's be fair, we all know one of my midfield will be shipped out for Bowyer at some point...

7th = Mid table

Last seasons prediction Mid Table finished 12=

Hope this isn't omens of Lawro all over again. The Curse of B.

Ah the boy Bowyer. My dream midfield three(?) years ago would have been Lampard, Scholes, Giggs, Bowyer.

MB, I think you're shortchanging Demon Drawer, and I wouldn't hesitate on putting money on Terran to do better than fourth.

You have to remember that DD has David James, of Portsmouth, in goal.

I'm pretty impressed with Terran's team selection, although his defenders haven't always scored up to the standard of the rest of the Premiership team-mates in the past.

B

Well my Hyypia/Stubbs/King/Brown dream team haven't done too badly in the past... but I'm saying nothing.

I'll do the typical David Moyes trick and just say that I have no targets, just to take each game as it comes

I know! I put a bid for Man Ciy's keeper at the same time as 'Arry and look where it might get me.

All because I was outbid for Robinson.

Well to be fair, Robbo's been everpresent in my teams since Day 1. Except for the season we got relegated when I switched him out for Dean Kiely in an effort to stop haemmoraghing points...

Terran and Psycorp have the added distraction of Kuyt to deal with. And Nirvanite, as well as spending money on a midfielder not possessing the gross motor skills to keep his mouth closed, has spent 6 mill on a bloke with a broken ankle. Meanwhile, how injured are: Kewell, Ballack, Cech?

*sigh*

Is it too early to attempt to ship Garcia out for someone else?

That would have to Kyut.