h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

well... i was poisoned and was attacked my some evil psychic monster
the entire place is in security lock down...
and the inquisision have started a witch hunt....
worst of all theres the "free" contract on pigons....

really? a free contract?! whatever happened to Nil Mortifi Sine Lucre? strange people


so, tell me of this psychotic monster and who poisoned you?

we have no-idea of who/what it is...

the free contract is from a guild member... however if i see a dead pidgon inside the guild i have promiced to gut him and hang him with his own intestine... for sacralige against the guild....

so let me get this straight. you have fully trained, well educated upstanding assassins running around killing pigeons for no pay what-so-ever? that is strange.

and who are the inquisition bullying now?

thay havent made there mind up yet...
one guess is that this is an elaberate illusion for my own enjoyment....

well, things have been pretty quiet around here, except for that strange C of E policeman

i expect he will get delt with later

church police.....
honestly when was religon purpusly that weard....

i think it was when Om appeared in the form of a tortoise that did it

yes... that was it...
some gods... just dont realise thre effect on society

and knocking out the leader of the opposing cult by being dropped from an eagle was going a bit too far in my opinion, but that is the Om we know and love

true it is...

it just wouldent be the same without him

no, not with no more leaflets to use as firelighters

it would be...
a colder place...

so why did the police c E (or whoever thay are) come?

your guess my fair Anthea is as good as mine

[Bursts through door on 125 cc Honda with L plates. Dust settles and tyres screeche to halt on parquet floor.]

OK, no more Mr Nice Vicar.

I've got you this time. [4 crack Scout Troops descend from hammer- beam roof, carrying H&K machine pistols and wearing breathing apparatus.] You shouldn't have messed with Mr Forster: he's closely related to a very senior figure in the Mother's Union and she wasn't too happy about what you did.

I have death warrants here from the Archbishop's Execution Clerk, which have been approved by the Consisitory Court.

[serves warrants on all except Scouts and himself]

Farewell, unbelievers!

[Revs engine, choking the baddies with petrol fumes, and spins backwheel, turning machine on one leg as he does so, before making a speedy exit.]

The Scouts massacre everyone (except themselves) in House of Gods Complex, which is, after being redecorated, known as "the Diocesan Centre for Peace Studies".

"All Things Bright and Beautiful", the 23rd Psalm [tune: Crimmond] and "Praise My Soul, the King of Heaven" play over the indestructible "Tannoy" system 24 hours a day, protecting (respectively) Anglicans, Calvinists and Methodists from harm.

Church of Scotland elders patrol the perimeter, accompanied by fiery Methodist orators. Having availed of a secret, Presbyterian time-travel facility, the Church of Scotland has chosen those, who will be protected by predestination, and cannot be destroyed.

The Methodists have tens of thousands of Cliff Richard fans on standy-by, who will reduce the last of the enemy forces to jelly. Giant Dick-Emery-style false teeth roam the grounds, ready to gnash unwelcome visitors to pieces. Huge stockpiles of rotten eggs [in special, sealed bunkers] have been assembled and Derek Nimmo lookalikes trained to throw them.

Ladies in floral dresses and straw hats serve millions of gallons of milky tea and prepare a number of Angel cakes, equivalent to annual World consumption, which magically and instantly convert everyone within a fifteen-hundred-mile radius to one of the three approved religions, although we don't want too many Methodists: the singing is a bit much, after a while.

*sitts looking blatently unamused...
i am agnostic...
however i have no problem with "dealing" with the religious...

*finishes his fine malt whisky and looks over to Anthea with a concerned look of interest*


it is such a shame when modern life takes it's toll on the mind like that. the poor fellow, he will probably snap out of it if we give him a little time
you know, i bet his parents were religious nuts and that coupled with a high powered job appears to have led this poor poor man to sacriligious insanity
if i were religious i'd say a little prayer for him, but i don't know any Gods tat would be interested in helping him.

*his eyes light up as he seems to come to a satisfying conclusion to this sad predicament*

do you think we should call someone? good samaritans maybe?

*looks round at creachy*
i dont think i know any...

*looks back at max*
sorry i spent have spent too long amoungst those who try to change the faith of others... i do so hope your not one of them

well, you tend to get used to him after a while

i suppose you might do....
still... i dont trust these religious types