h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Conveniently located fairly close to, but upwind of, the Portaloos, is a small tented stall. Most of the tent space is taken up by crates of bottles. In front is a testle table with a white cloth, on which stand:

- several bottles of wine with their labels covered over
- a pile of small plastic cups
- a bowl containing assorted money
- a pyramid of cloth catnip mice.

There are two large spittoons - one to each side of the table, each surrounded by a mysterious patch of burnt grass.

Behind the stall stands a beaming Archangel Kes (leaning slightly to the left).

The banner reads:
"Blind tasting of famous home-made wines. Make a small donation to the local Cat Rescue Society, and taste a mystery wine. Prize of a jumbo bottle of antacid powder if you can guess the ingredients. Case lots available at discount. By a catnip mouse for your moggie while you're at it!"

Kes samples the wares while waiting for customers.*

*is somewhat distracted from the pacing back and forth*

Ooo... look at those catnip - I'll have one of those, please...

Are you happy with the description on the festival page Kes?

*sniffs cautiously at one of the bottles*

*Carefully removes a mouse from the top of the pile and hands it to Titania.*

There you are - compliments of the stall. Yes - the description is fine. I'll just wait for all the customers to turn up, and brace myself for the predictable lot of "Chat eau bottled" jokes!

Oh, Chat Eau - I know that one It's good - we had one at home once....

(not one to disappoint anybody, I'm not)

*drops in bowl*

I'd like to taste *point* that one, please

Ah! That one! An excellent choice.

*The layers of brick-red, purple and very dark something colour merge as Kes shakes the bottle vigorously before pouring out through a tea-strainer. He casually returns all the little black bits to the bottle.*

I think you'll find it ... er ... interesting.

*Pushes the glass to the front of the table using a pair of long tongs. Smiles innocently.*

*checks that the number for his is on his mobile*

Thanks

*sips*








Nice

So glad you like it. Care to try to identify the ingredients? I'll give you a clue ... there are three major components (apart from the water, sugar and yeats, of course).

- grapes, tramping feet... and?

*climbs over the prostrate body of Santragenius V*

I'll have a go at this. Never knowingly fazed.

*waves antennae and pushes towards Kes*

*Pops his head into the booth.*

Ah, you got my shipment of wine, I see. Same recipe as I used in last years' competion.

Sleep well, SantV! Greetings Amy ... welcome Garius.

Well, SantV didn't get too close with guessing the ingredients to that one. In fact it was my baked bean, prune and black pudding claret ... always goes down well, I think.

You don't care to try that one, Amy? Oh well ... perhaps this one is more to your palate.

*The concealing cover has fallen off the bottle … but that's no help … the label has turned black where wine has run down the outside of the bottle. The tablecloth beneath it is beginning to smoulder. The wine itself is an innocent-looking pink colour, but with suspicious small objects suspended in it. Kes pours a sample, and hands it to Amy.*

There! I think you'll enjoy it. Now Garius ... you being a nexpert in these things, perhaps you'd care to venture your opinion on this little number ...

*After deftly removing the cork, Kes uses a ball-point pen to break through the crust, introducing a purple tint to the otherwise translucent grey liquid. Manages to pour half a glassful before the crust re-forms.*

Enjoy!

By the way ... the portaloos are just around that corner, and the St John's Ambulance tent is a couple of hundred yards that way.

Well *splutters* at least I survived to guess...

Yes, that's certainly noteworthy! Would you care to celebrate with another sample?

*takes the glass from Kes* holds the glass up to the light*

It's a very pretty colour .

*tries to prod one of the little objects with a cocktail stick* the object swims away and the cocktail stick predictably dissolves*

Ah, I think this wine is what is usually described as 'lively.'

Indeed. Only two main ingredients to this one. Care to hazard a guess, Amy?

No thanks - I may have found an even better entertainment...

*walks off to the south side of the village green to hit his head repeatedly against the pun-a-thon oak block*

Just by looking at it I have to go for 'crushed cochineal beetles' as one of the ingredients.

*swirls the wine around the glass and sniffs deeply*

Ah yes, there are subtle underlying psychotropic elements but an overwhelming pong of benzaldehyde rather gives it away. And the top note of pencil shavings - a soft 4B in this case - gives a strong clue as to its country of origin.

*sips and spits*

Ah, yes. The bitter almond taste just thumps you between the eyes. I'm guessing Australian... probably Victoria... and then there are the floating psocids... so I'm going for the Killawarra Rosé... 1999, I think.

Well, that's remarkably accurate, Amy. Almost exactly right with those over-sweet fruity overtones balanced by something cheap, acidic and available ... I think we'll declare you a winner!

*Rummages around in the cardboard cartons.*

... and your prize is, of course, a full bottle!

*Holds up the sealed bottle. The label reads:

"Bulgarian plum and Brasso.
Appellation derangee.
1957."

Could I interest you in a catnip mouse to go with that?

Thanks! The Bulgarians did Brasso so well in those days. It's a lost art, of course.

I'll take two , please.

Thank you so much! All proceeds going to the Cat Rescue fund, so all as-yet un-rescued cats will be most grateful.

Here are your nice mice. They're hice mice, not field mice, of course.

Do try your wine-tasting luck again ... whenever you wish!