h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, two actually, but at least I got them over with at a relatively young age...

At sixteen I went on a canoe trip down the Rhine in Switzerland. We'd obtained information that there was a canoe ramp at one point on the river, so when I saw a sign saying "Kahnrampe" I confidently paddled toward it. My first suspicion that all was not entirely well came when I saw a flipped-up panel saying "frei" on the back of the sign. I then saw the ramp: a series of rollers entirely clear of the water; which was quickly flowing through a half-open sluice gate immediately to the left...

Suffice to say that I found myself wedged in a corner, my back against the iron sluice gate on one side and a concrete wall on the other, with the deck of my boat pressed against my chest. The boat came to a halt when the stern hit the concrete step at the bottom. At which point all would have been fine, except for the view of the surface of the water: two feet above my head.

I don't know how long I was stuck there, just that it was long enough to conclude, in the words of DNA, that life was not going to be troubling me for much longer: a strangely calm and detached feeling, it has to be said. By pure chance at that point the hull of my boat buckled slightly and the water pressure forced me through the gate into the weir below.

When I got home, I fixed the boat, paddled it once to prove I could and then sold it: I've not done much canoeing since. My friends probably got a worse shock than I did: I was the good canoeist, and knowing the Swiss reputation for hydro-electric power, once I disappeared they expected to be looking for something with the consistency of steak tartare. Fortunately, it was just a weir.

A few years later, after my first year at University, I had a summer job with the British Steel Swinden Research Labs in Rotherham. One of the experiments I was doing involved corrosion fatigue tests in a Hydrogen sulphide atmosphere. This meant evacuating a 1 cubic foot test chamber, then admitting H2S to about 0.2atm. Little did I know that one day I had managed to total the pressure gauge, so the next time I was admitting the H2S, there didn't seem to be any going in. So I cranked the valve right open, to be rewarded by a hissing noise and a bad smell.

Which quickly went away.

Apart from its "rotten eggs" smell, hydrogen sulphide has the property of binding to certain receptors in the central nervous system, so that above concentrations of about 100ppm you can't smell it. By 300 ppm and rising you will have difficulty seeing, hearing, thinking or indeed, breathing. One thousand ppm is almost instantly lethal.

At this point I decided that going outside for the gas mask was a higher priority than trying to finish closing the valve. I made it outside the room before everything went all wiggly like a Blake's 7 transmat effect and I came to sitting on the floor. Apparently the detector had been sounding alarms loud enough to wake the dead, but I never heard them.

For a while the thought that I was immortal warred with the idea that the third time is the charm...

My word....*very* lucky!

I thought living in Rotherham was a near-death experience in itself (I'm a native of the area!).

Yes, I didn't stay long!

Although as part of the "People's Republic of South Yorkshire" it had its upsides: 15p for a bus to Sheffield was not half bad.

That must have been some time ago - even the kid's fares are now 30p! After living there till I went to uni, I do have a soft spot for the old place...Coventry does that to you! I also wonder if the British Steel place you mention is still open.

That must have been some time ago - even the kid's fares are now 30p! I also wonder if the British Steel place you mention is still open. After living there till I went to uni, I do have a soft spot for the old place...Coventry does that to you!

Mid-eighties as I recall. Apparently at first the fares went in 1p steps, but 5p bands were brought in because little old ladies were holding up the buses haggling over a pennyworth of ticket price...

I think the Swinden Labs are still there, although they may have been sold off when British Steel became Corus. I remember trying to find my landlady's place on Herringthorpe Valley Road, not realising quite how long it was...

I've never actually been to Coventry, although as I used to live in Birmingham, I've gone past it a lot. Although if it makes you nostalgic for Rotherham... LOL

Yes, that sounds about right. The local bus company got taken over a couple of years ago and prices seem to have shot up since. The standard of driving is a lot higher in Rotherham than Coventry...and that's really saying something!

Yes, Herringthorpe Valley Road is one long road! By some coincidence I'm heading up there this weekend as a mate lives just off it, by the Rover dealers (which still has a Rover 800 on the roof!).

Have fun!

I wonder how often they change that car? I think it was a Metro last time I was there, but I couldn't swear to it.

As an eco-kamikaze (well sometimes it feels that way) cyclist, it sounds like Coventry (or at least its roads) is a good place to steer clear of

It's possible. I have vague memories of them having an SD1 up there when I was younger, and there being great pomp and ceremony as it was replaced with a Rover 800. If I remember rightly there was a raffle to win the SD1; even then I wondered why! A car that's spent several years sitting out in the elements unprotected? Marvellous

Coventry driving is appalling; I feel unsafe in my car! I wouldn't dream of cycling around Coventry. Most people fail to see my square, bright blue car even when I have my headlights on

Hmm, sounds like it puts minor perils like drowning and gassing into perspective

One of my crewmates works at Alvis Vickers making tanks. They recently sold the Chieftain they had on a pedestal by the gate for ~£300, when they replaced it with a Challenger. Although apparently it's not that good a deal as (a) they had to spike the gun and (b) track replacement works out at £1,000 per mile.

Apart from that minor track cost, it sounds like the ideal vehicle for driving around cities...

I have had far too many near misses to count - on average, one every other day. And I categorise near-miss as "accident but for the grace of God". And 90% aren't even down to me! If it was my own driving that was crap then I suppose I could accept it.

Time for a , I think.

Good idea

I always shudder when people say that British driving standards are "among the best in Europe/the World/wherever" and imply that therefore they don't need improving... ...

Yes, so do I. Though I suppose compared to Italy, it's very quiet driving here.

Having just returned from a weekend in Rotherham, I thoroughly enjoyed not being cut up wherever I went on the roads .

But I got trodden on by a bouncer so that kind of wipes it out. I wasn't even causing trouble, though...

Sounds like a bad case of someone not looking where they are going!