Your Pub Needs YOU!
Created | Updated Dec 6, 2003
Hello and welcome.
At (insert witty campaign name here) we endeavour to cure our beloved Blighty of a disease. A disease that has taken hold of our dear pubs, and regularly turns them into unbearable monsters.
Of course, we are talking about loud music in pubs. It's not right. It's just not right. Every Friday and Saturday night in pubs up and down the country some 3rd rate DJ arrives, carrying annoying euro dance records from 5 years ago, and is payed to play them very loud until closing. It's a disgrace.
'Lets go to that pub over there, they play music dead loud. It's great - you can't hold a conversation without risking a face full of spittle and a burst eardrum.'
Who says that? No one. Yet we still shuffle in each week, money in hand, ready to be annoyed.
Why do we do this?
Everyone we at (insert witty campaign name again) have spoken to all seem to agree with us. No one likes loud music in their pubs. Having said that, we have no objection to loud music in clubs. That is what they are for, that's fine. We like that.
What we want is for the music to be turned down. People will be able to hold conversations again, and all the hatred in the world will disappear so we can all live in one big happy field with bunny rabbits.
So, we propose that we, the paying public, tell the pubs exactly what we think. That's what (insert witty blah blah blah) is for, it's why we're here. And this is what you can do to help us:
- JOIN US! Become a member of (blah) and receive no attractive alarm clock.
- Come on people we need slogans! Slogans we need!
- And we need a name, too.
- Oh, and lots of members.
So, come and join our fledgling organisation, and one day you will be celebrated in the streets, for you would have helped bring sanity back to the weekend. Shout 'NO PLUBS!' And let it be heard what you stand for, and what you stand against. Amen.
Please read our live band disclaimer. Thankyou.
Help Us!
If you would like to join us and/or suggest a name and/or slogan, then go ahead and use the box. I made it. Am I not clever? Oh, and have a rant, too.
Hello, I wish to join this fantastic crusade.
I have an idea for a possible name:
I have an idea for a possible slogan:
This is my rant:
Peace and pints.
Current members
The (blah)ersFlake99Winnoch2VipGoshoNapnodSmiffy the Lab AssistantdaralineHelelou2Lady in a treeKelliUnconformitybored lauraZagrebEgonPencil QueenGreyDeskKiltedjedi(Archangel) MarjinToy BoxMullet
What you can do to help (non-electronically).
- Pace up and down outside offending pubs on Friday and Saturday evenings. It may also help if you shout 'Shut it, idiots!' at the top of your voice whilst carrying a sign reading: 'Eat donkey face DJ!'.
- Discover the name, address and telephone number of the DJ hired to play at your local pub. Live in his bushes.
- Threaten to invade Wales if nothing is done.
- Learn to hang glide.
- Buy a tent. Set it up in the pub car park on Friday and Saturday nights. Place lots of plastic garden furniture inside the tent. Gradually people will flee the evil plub and join you in your tent. Make sure they go back to the bar for every round. If they refuse, just shout 'It's my f*cken tent!'
A completely pointless 'rant' box. Enjoy.
| Members | Rants |
| Flake99 | I don't like Plubs. Or war. Both equally. |
| Winnoch2 | If you turn it down, you will save electricity, your amp will last longer, your 'clients' hearing will last longer, there will be fewer misheard conversations, which should in turn lead to fewer wars, more money for the NHS, and a reduction in global warming. Oh and beer will taste less salty.. i love my pals i really do, but i don't want their saliva in my PINT GODDAMMIT. |
| Vip | No rant yet. |
| Gosho | No rant yet. |
| Napnod | No rant yet. |
| Smiffy the Lab Assistant | Grrrrr Turn it down will you? I can't hear myself think, let alone hear what the person sitting three inches away from my left ear is saying! |
| daraline | No rant yet. |
| Helelou2 | No rant yet. |
| Lady in a tree | I want to leave the pub with no idea what was said all night because I'm p*ssed - not because I couldn't actually hear anything! |
| Kelli | No rant yet. |
| Unconformity | Ranting about stolen boxes1 and campaigning for real ale in Nottingham. |
| bored laura | Unfortunatly you can't hear my rant as I'm talking at a normal volume. |
| Zagreb | I hate pre-club clubs and "plubs" and I hate the Godawful DJ's they recruit. "Here we are, it's Tiffany with "I think we're alone now"" *dancefloor fills with students*. Don't get me started on the "ironic" tendency towards "cheesy pop". Bad music is Bad music. End of story. Although I wouldn't even want to listen to Good music at high volume in these places. I go to the pub to talk, not to listen to music or be force-fed a cardboard square with "COME TO PURGATORY: VODKA AND MIXER £1 ALL NIGHT!!!!!11" on it by some 23-year old slapper with the nerve to try and be "matey" so I'll go to her Master's rotten club. |
| Egon | For god's sake, pubs are for Ale and conversations, not deafening! |
| Pencil Queen | Hate em - can't hear what anyone is saying at the best of times - in a pub playing loud music I might as well not even try. |
| GreyDesk | Ranting about spam. No one knows what he is talking about. |
| Kiltedjedi | My ex-local used to be a great pub. The landlord and landlady were on the commitee for the Beds branch of CAMRA. They used to have 9 pumps all with different beers put on after the barrel it was on was finished. A new beer wasn't put on unless it had been in the cellar for months to let it settle. There were some strange beers like Onion beer, which had to be tried once, and then never again. They even got supplies from the Orkney brewery of Red Mcgregor and Dark Island, mm those were the days. No bands ever sullied the premises while I was in. Then the couple sold up and moved, and the New landlord immediately enforced the same old beers, not well looked after and Live 'Music' (using the term very loosely) every Friday and Saturday night. There was no need for this, if they'd kept up the fine ales in friendly surroundings they would have been packed out at the weekends as the pub had been previously. Now I cannot go, for my ears and my sensibilities could not stand the auditory and taste assault fromthis place. |
| (Archangel) Marjin | Only play "The sound of silence". |
| Toy Box | Have you ever tried pubs with no music *at all*? Just the sound of fellow drinkers speaking and mugs tinkling? |
| Mullet | I dislike the noise and pity the people inside as I walk past. I will not be able to take an active role for just over 2 and a half years, at which point I will be legally allowed to by alcohol. Such is life. |
News
BREAKING NEWS has destroyed Bristol BREAKING NEWS
This is where it's at. All the goings on in anti-plub campaigning listed and summarised for your convenience.
6th December 2003
The no plubs HQ has been decidedly quiet for a long time now. Please note that this was no sign of apathy or laziness on my part - I was leading an expedition to the frozen wastes of the north in order to find and annoy the mythical 'King DJ'. Turns out he doesn't exist. We lost 18 men.
7th June 2003
Well friends, it's been a long and hard fight so far, but we have, as of today, reached a milestone in the history of our bitter war - we have 20 members! Please welcome Mullet, our very first member who cannot legally buy alcohol but is still willing to lay down his life (probably) in the pursuit of our great and holy goal. Hear him shout 'Woe unto thee' as he rides into battle! On a moped, no doubt.
28th May 2003
Well, its been a busy couple of weeks for anti-plub campaigners everywhere. I recently returned from my fact-finding mission to the Geographical North Pole. Turns out there aren't many plubs or even pubs there. But it wasn't a complete waste as I managed to befriend a polar bear called Simon. He and his wife are probably coming down to stay with me this summer, should be fun.
13th May 2003
We are now 18 strong! Our warriors are scattered across the globe, but distance means nothing when people are united by faith... and so on.
News follow up: I have now completed my giant robot death suit with hammers for teeth. It is magnificent. Unfortunately, I cannot tyrannise any local plubs yet because it failed its MOT. I cried for hours.
11th May 2003
No news today. Oh, apart from the world ending.
9th May 2003
Today we recieved word from a splinter cell of (blah) in Brasil. The fight grows sour there. So sad.
We are now 17 strong!
In other news: I am currently constructing a giant robot death suit with hammers for teeth. Once completed, I will strap myself in, and tyrannise plubs in and around the Essex area.
7th May 2003
We have now grown to 16 members. Viva la revolution!
5th May 2003
The (blah) was created on this day. Rejoice, rejoice ye fools! Stuff happened today. Specifically, the Pub Ninja destroyed two suspected DJ's in Wolverhampton. The left-wingers called this an unjust and horrific attack. Fear the Ninja.
Also today, we recieved news from our spies in the highest echelons of British Government. They report an emergency defence meeting being called minutes after (blah) was established earlier today. This is both bad and good news. It means we have already got them scared, but we must now be more vigilant than ever, for there is sure to be a price on our heads. I have already hired two personal bodyguards to carry me though snowy woodland near lakes. I suggest you all do the same. And remember: though you may die, the resistance lives on. Thankyou.
