h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Terri emailed a suicide note and then no more.
Maybe , sure sounds like one, dunno..

She could have passed out, dunno though.
*Z* - M - Spim - anyone,any word from her in the last 5-8 hours other than a few h2g2 posts?

*waits for signs of life or death*

Don't worry, I'm still here for the moment. I have to wait for the animal rescue people to come this morning to take Yoda away, then I can get on with stuff. Once she's gone, there is no going back. I would have preferred her to have gone to M's, where she could live in a place she hhas known , with other cats, but he won't take her, says it's not his responsibility. Maybe just as well, since he barely looks after the cats he already has. At least I know she will be taken care of, & she is a pretty little thing & very affectionate & quite young. She may find a new home quickly, I hope. I know the people who run the Centre, they are very kind & have a policy of never putting a healthy animal to sleep. So she will be OK, if unhappy & confused for a while.

The only other problem is that spims stuff is still here. I really don't know what I can do about that. I don't give a damn about my stuff, but don't want his to be stolen or removed (to where???? maybe there is a storage place in such cases?) Does anyone know what happens when someone is found dead & has no friends or relatives? I would assume it goes to the government, but in this case I am not a citizen of the country.

I havent left a will. Doesn't seem much point really, I don't have anything of value to leave. I gave M my MD player/ recorder, I suppose I could take the guitar & mandolin round, but can't face the thought of going up that bloody hill again. He would probably refuse them anyway, I offered to lend him them because he has been asked to write a film score & his own mandolin is crap, mine's a Fender & pretty good. But he said "I can always borrow instruments off my friends." just another run of the mill rejection.

I suppose the Kuwait compensation may eventually arrive. Shame it hasn't happened yet, if I had got that when they initially promised it, things might have been very different. As it is, because I have no relatives (unless there really are some in Ireland? Can't afford to find out, usual story) it will go to the British Government, which is the last place I would wish it to end up, it's THEM who have been hanging onto it for 14 years & earning interest to wage wars I don't believe in.

Abbi, please don't worry about me, I have thought this through & decided there really is no hope. I'm not drunk, I am rational & making proper plans. There isn't any point in trying to contact M, he doesn't have a computer, is fully aware of what I'm plabnning & basically doesn't give a damn. I have spoken to spim on the phone, he is helpless & whilst he may well care a bit, can't do anything. He is young, he will get over this sort of thing quickly. He will probably get some good ideas for pictures out of it later! Hope so, the cartoon Festival is very soon now. It is such a shame that all the effort involved in getting him here & set up with contacts seems likely to be wasted due to having no money; which means he is staying in UK hoping to earn enough to pay his debts back there. I honestly cannot support him financially any longer, much as I would like to; he knows this. Nor can I support M. At the moment M is spending his rent money. Very soon he will be evicted. The bailiffs have already been round to try & take his stuff away (they won't be able to legally for ages, but they can make life unpleasant in the meantime; it's their job.)

Don't bother contacting Z, there is nothing he can do & anyway, he is becoming rather fed up with me moaning & "being a martyr"; he has enough problems of his own.

I feel most depressed because I cannot see any way of repaying the money I owe to people like bubble & david, who helped me out before. bubble especially needs it right now, she is having a terrible time with her father so sick & has to travel to Spain to see him. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I managed to make enough selling badges on the street to keep me & yoda going over Christmas, but doubt that anyone will be generous at this time of year, they will have spent out on Christmas presents etc. I can't face a life of begging. It's cold & humiliating.

So sorry to dump all this on you Abbi. Also sorry to the rest of the Survivors group, this is an example of non-survival & an admission of defeat. No doubt the cynical will say "oh, it's just a cry for help, she won't really do it." Well it may have been a cry for help initially, but when I realised that basically there isn't any & that those who "should" care don't, it just developed into rather a cold master plan which needs to be organised & executed properly.

I've struggled too long. I've had enough. I am desperately lonely, tired & can see no way out. I honestly believe it would be best to give up at this stage. I just have to make sure I do it properly & don't leave unpleasantness for other people to cope with.

Oh well. So it goes as they say. Life's like that isn't it? Good luck to the rest of you. My only advice would be: you can't cope with this sort of s**t on your own; try your damndest to keep hold of friends & family. (Pretty impossible if they keep dying, I know.)

Especially at Christmas.

Toodle pip.

Terri

Terri,

We don't really know each other but have met in a few threads I think.

If you have made your mind up then there is nothing anyone can do to stop you (that's what my psychotherapist told me)

But please don't make any decisions out of a sudden down moment or reaction to something that has upset you.

I have always felt that when I do it, it will be well thought through and planned, not because I feel so low I can't see a way out. That thought has got me through some bad times, so I can sort everything out - belongings etc and go my way, the way I want to. But it does worry me that you have sorted out Yoda. This makes me feel you have thought very carefully about it.

If I asked you to call an emergency team, then it would make no difference I supect, but I will ask anyway. Why don't you? and then if you feel the same in a week you will know for sure.

I know some of how you may feel (I really do). I do not know your history but I know what pain and depression is. If I can be of help in any way at all then feel free to mail me at [email protected]

I also understand that this is within you and no-one can change the way you feel except yourself. But we can hold your hand while you try, and give you a hug.

Please think again.

Mort

You have survived Terri.
This is proof.

I hope you'll give yourself another day.
All anyone can do is one day or less at a time no matter what the circumstances.

Tomorrow might bring another way.

Terri!!! We love you!!! I don't want you to die. PLEASE don't hurt yourself. I am a suicide survivor, and I have BEEN THERE. I made a VERY serious suicide attempt (I was manic at the time and thought the world was ending), but I am SO GLAD that I failed. I know you are desperate financially, but please KEEP FIGHTING. My friend Mary was evicted a few years ago, and was homeless for several months, living in a shelter, but she DID survive it and went on to better days and better things. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON Terri. You have always been so upbeat and positive, I had no idea you were in such trouble, and I am so sorry that life has dealt you so many harsh blows.

...I feel like I'm typing against the clock here, so I'm going to post this, hoping you'll see it right away, then type some more...

JEllen

hi Mort, hi Abbi.

Thanks. yes, I AM serious. Yes, sorting Yoda out indicates that. I've been googling to find stuff out, there are various websites, helplines etc, but if I wanted to talk to someone English speaking here in France i have to wait until tomorrow afternoon, i can't. i've already put it off till this morning so Yoda will be taken care of. It will be one last ordeal of acting when she goes.

There are also various "how to do it" sites, but i probably know all that already! When you've already tried & failed, it makes you more determined to get it right.

It's the little things, like: i am now on my last packet of cigarettes, no way to buy more, other than begging, either directly on the streets, or from M, who may possibly give me some money, but if so it is coming from his rent, unless he has by now spent it all. he is worse off than me really, how can i ask him to help? But smoking is a small comfort & also an addiction & when that's gone it seems like an indication that time is up finally. It's December 26th, I don't get paid till January 6th, how the hell do i survive? Not possible. NO I AM NOT ASKING FOR FINANCIAL HELP. Been there, done that, can't handle the guilt.

Not being able to buy even the most basic of presents or cards is the last straw. Can't even leave a last gift to people I love.

I've tried to be sensible & think through the options, but it's all complicated by living in a country where i don't speak the language well enough to communicate complicated stuff. so the shrink was right. But i still think even if i went to french classes (HOW???? it's bloody hard enough to go shopping!), assuming they were free, I couldn't acheive that level of skill quickly. It's NOW I need help, not in a couple of years time & this sort of stuff is hard enough to explain in your own language. My fault, i know. Shouldn't be here. But it seemed an alternative to cleaning toilets in UK at the time.

Now, even if I thought going back to UK was a better option, can't afford to ; yet again, lack of money means no choices. If i could scrape together the fare (no, I WON'T hitchike thank you, too old & aware of the dangers) it would mean leaving all my stuff here. I have had to abandon posessions too many times, invasion, expulsion due to politics etc. I have tried to start again so many times. I've run away to another country so many times. i was determ_ned to try & settle here. It hasn't worked.

No point in going back to UK, no one there for me, social system is a mess, politics are lunacy.

Basically, this mess is my own fault; I chose to be here, i thought it was a reasonable alternative & i seem to have been wrong. i chose to cling on to M, I was wrong. I chose to try & get spim work here in cartoons, i was wrong. I've now buggered up his life too. Don't you think i feel guilty about that? He could have stayed happily pottering about in UK, in a nice cosy world, instead he has been plunged into breadline living. I'm pretty used to it, he's not.;rather a shock to his system.

It just seems I am messing up other peoples lives too. Time I quit.

I will look at that link, Mort, but doubt it will be available before I have to decide. Once Yoda goes & the fags run out basically. The only thing that could possibly stop me now would be if M was to phone & genuinely seems to care.

But he won't, that i can promise.

It just struck me how ironic it is that there is an organization ready to rescue Yoda, but none to save a human being! Terri can you go to a hospital and let them know you are suicidal? Here in the states they must accept you if you tell them you are suicidal. It would buy you time - time to think things over, maybe a second wind. You could at least talk to a counselor or someone who cares. If that is just not an option, can you find a liberal caring church. They may not be able to help financially, but any decent pastor would at least listen. I know mine would. (I am Unitarian Universalist)

My attempt was in 1993. I tried to hang myself. In a church, no less! Very bizarre, I know. I blacked out, which saved me. In the years since I have met many interesting people and had many happy times. It's true I'm not on the street, but I think even if I was I would be the feistiest, most demanding, most determined to live streetperson in the world. I wouldn't give up the last decade for anything.

When I go to cemetaries now, I look at headstones, and I think "November 19, 1965 to May 8, 1993" that would have been me. Now I'm glad for the date I die to still be a mystery. Terri, don't get caught up in planning...planning to die. It makes you feel like you are doing something positive, but it is a terrible lie. You shouldn't be worrying that you are inconviencing people with your death --- you should be mad as hell, because you have a right, a basic right to live. You do! Please email me Terri. Please change your mind. Ellen

Oh Terri,

I understand about having to leave your belongings behind. It may sound strange to some people, but I know what you mean. Things you have collected - even if it is a table and chairs are things that you have struggled to accumalate. I started in Edinburgh with an unfurnished flat and it has taken me 6 years to get it together - alot of handouts from work colleagues (although I still don't have a wardrobe) The thought of having to start again...it is almost as if the effort of trying to get a normal life, was in vain.

They represent more than material things, it is the effort of trying to build a life, trying to make something work. To give it all up is like saying you have failed, losing everything you worked hard for and the thought of starting again is unbearable.

The fact that you are googling to find a method tells me that you don't have a definitive plan. Please be careful, so many suicide regimes are rubbish. Everybody is full of how they will do it, but in real terms it is crap. They don't work quickly or efficiently enough - with days of agony, or they fail and leave you debilitated.

I couldn't help you financially even if you wanted it (i am on dissability benefits due to my depression) but I can give you a bed to sleep in, temporarily till you got sorted, and I am sure I am not the only one.

You have so much guilt for other people, everyone makes their own decisions, even if they have followed some advice you have given. You cannot take responsibility for others - only yourself.

You want to speak to someone English, well I am here, as are Abbi and Ellen.

We are not placating, non-understanding people otherwise we wouldn't be subscribed to the survivors page. We can offer you truth and realism and a way to deal with the shit the world gives us.

Terri, don't give up without trying us out first.

Terri,

I also don't know you. I know Christmas can be a lonely time. There were a couple of Christmases when I couldn't even put up my Christmas cards, as I thought 'there's no point, who will see them'. It gets easier after it's all passed.

Wait awhile. Take time. You have a lot to give.

Terri, I'm sorry I didn't know how serious things are for you right now.

If you decide to go ahead with your plan, please take note of what Mort says and be very careful with what you do - it is possible to make things worse than they already are.

If you make it through and are able to stay, or at least postpone your action, please take up the offers of people here to support you. I know that it's not the same as support in physical life, but it can be enough until things begin to change. There *are* ways to move beyond the pain you are in now, and there is alot of wisdom and experience being offered to you here that will complement your own.


Please also know that there is love and support for you from within your own spirit, although at times like this it is almost impossible to believe that this is so. Nevertheless, the deepest, wisest, most loving part of you is still in there and trying to reach you. She still holds you and nourishes you.


I've just been reading round a few threads to try and figure out what is going on for you, and trying to understand my response and what I can possibly say that might be helpful or make a difference for you. Mostly I feel that I am so far away (in distance and knowledge about what is going on) that there is little that I can do, other than just be here with everyone, waiting and hoping that you make it through.

Like Abbi and everyone here, I hope that you choose to live. You have one of the great sparks of spirit in you, and we and this earth need you.


kea.

shazz

Thank you, all of you for reaching out. It means more than you will ever know; thank you to Abbi and JEllen for getting me through last night on Instant messaging. i seem to recall even laughing at some points(rude stuff, don't listen lads;)

Thank you Mort, yes, a lot of people don't understand the posessions bit do they? I first lost my stuff when i was 11 & my mother died. i was taken into "care" & had to watch as the Social workers built a bonfire, having told me to go through stuff & decide what i could carry, the rest which couldn't be ? presumably sold? dunno, kids don't ask this sort of thing! went up in flames. Being a pretty vile & screwed up kid,knowing i couldn't take pets with me, i added my tortoise to the dolls house which my grandad had made me & took great delight in thinking of him being cremated like my mother. Yes, i was that sick. Still feel guilty now.

Thank you Zarquon, you too don't know me, which somehow makes it all the more touching that you care.

And thank you, thank you shazz; to be able to actually speak to someone was the real turning point. For someone to bother phoning from another country on Boxing day! (Lurk? shazz? NEVER!) lots of good practical suggestions & yes, you too have been through simillar stuff. God, there are a lot of us about aren't there?

Thanks spim, he phoned too. i realise he is probably feeling helpless & dreading speaking to me, assuming I was still there. Bravery isn't his strong point, so it took guts to phone.

So, once more the internet friends reach places the "Real life" one's don't.

No, M didn't phone. i phoned him, after i had spoken to Sheelagh, the woman who runs the rescue centre. She phoned me this morning. Thanks very very much to her too. She too has been through similar stuff. She understands. Wouldn't take Yoda away,"You need each other" but persuaded me to try & get M's cats sorted (two need spaying urgently, one has probably got kidney failure.) He can't/won't do it. Not because he is cruel, he isn't, he loves them as much as he loves anything, but is not in a fit financial or emotional state to deal with it. Sheelagh has offered to pay the vets bill, but i will have to get them there. phoned M to tell him this; he wants a couple of days to think about it.

Meanwhile the poor cat is p***ing blood & in pain.And unwanted kittens loom.

Phoned Sheelagh back & told her his response. She went ballistic, demanded his number & phoned him.(The cat with kidney problem was originally from her centre so she had a perfect excuse.)

Ooh dear, i bet he must be feeling that a pack of menopausal witches have been set upon him. She is not someone you cross lightly!

*toys with the idea of getting shazz & abbi to ring too*

Anyway, basically between you all, you have managed to persuade me that somehow I will at least put it off; i am NOT promising instant change of heart, just put it off for now.

As for M, poor mite was eating his lunch in the pub, so didn't want to be disturbed;he has graciously said we may meet tomorrow after his daughter has left, i need to talk to him as option of moving involves him being honest.... I may pick up my can of baked beans from his place & batter him with it. Probably won't though, knowing me.

i obviously have to make plans to change my life, almost certainly involving moving.

*sigh*

Not right now. Too tired; just trying to get by till some money arrives; next stage will be nicotine deprivation; OK, i should give up, but having it forced on you at times like this is not the best way. Also now getting sore throat, perhaps at last the flu bug has arrived; so far i've escaped this, though all around seem to have it. possibly a good thing, it will hopefully cause me to stay in bed & get over stuff, but it's not a pleasant prospect on top of everything else.

*breathes heavily over M, not out of passionate intent, but infectiousness*

ps: JEllen: i would definitely choose death as opposed to hospital, ask abbi about the 10 days I spent in the French hospital last time i "flipped"; it is like a gothic novel. In French. Might make a decent film, but not a great RL experience. But i appreciate the advice, likewise church isn't personally for me, again, ask abbi about how organised religion has contributed, both mother & M. i am very glad it works for you though; as a support system, it is probably a very strong one & yours sounds like more fun than most!

Ok, I think i had best go to bed with a paracetomol. Don't worry, only the one. not out of the woods, but can at least see a tree or two.

Thanks again. small words for big emotions.



zdt

Yoda says "glad to see the priorities have been realised"

Just seen the post from kea too. Thank you to you as well, I'm so sorry if it seems as if I missed you out.

It's very good to have you back on hootoo, we all missed you. Wish i could come & see you in NZ, it's a place I've always wanted to visit. funnily, never had any great desire to see Oz, but NZ, yes. Met a great kiwi artist in Greece once, very person indeed. Plus as you know, i am a great admirer of Dale Copeland's assemblage art (see my links space)It seems to be a pretty creative place.

Teri,

PLEASE CALL ME! I am where you are and really need to talk.

PLEASE!

Terri,

Whoo! Drop by my place any time for .

Richenda, HOW do I call you? I need your number if you mean phone. if you do mean that, email me with it, my new email is

Zendevil2

at

the american company, same as abbi uses. begins with a.

squeak soon.



zdt

OOPS...SORRY

Terri,

Please email a number we can call you at. You have Barton's and my email..I sent you something yesterday. We would like to try and talk.


Candy and Barton

Terri,

I am at work and on the phone with Barton. I am sending you our phone number from my work email.


Candy

2 emails on the way!



Candy

Didn't get the email, but my Tiscali number is cancelled, & hotmail one too. on temporary aol thing till 31st dec.

Sod it, here's my phone number, can't access your emails any more.

0033 is frogland (from UK at least, but think it's the same fomr US)

545 is angouleme

beatles song, "will you still love me when I'm ??"

another beatles song, "she was just ??, you know what i mean?"

03.

is landline, but not on broadband now. Mobile phone will be horrendously expensive, but if you get through i will then switch computer off. It is

0033 as before (france)

6

82

26

54

"life begins at ??" (what a joke!)

Just added you to my msn messenger list, the crolsky one I found on your page.

keep trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please.



Terri.