h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Vyvian shoves Rick and Neil to the floor and proceeds to crack rick in the groin with his trusty cricket bat, in response to which Rick retorts "Hah, missed both my legs."

In the same episode after Rick complains of Neil pacing, chanting and ringing bells all night. Neil defends his actions thus: "Sleep gives you cancer, Rick. Everyone knows that." Which is almost as wonderous as the line "I'm glad the guys told me my bed was on fire, I might have gone to sleep and burned to death" (note this second quote in light of the first...).

Pressured into joining the police in order to provide for Vyvian's unborn child (which later turns out to be a distended stomach resulting from acute trapped wind), Neil enters the office of the recuruiting officer to be greeted by Alexi Sayle dressed as Mussolini. The copper gives him his uniform and tells him that if he can't use his walkie-talkie within the next half hour he'll kick his head in. Neil gives him the stock response of "Fascist," to which the former dictator of Italy and conqueror of Abyssinia quite logically replies "Ci."

Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah. Just follow your nose.


Oh wow! Cryogenics! Nice one man!


Do you think ants go to discos?


The kettle's exploded.
Oh well, looks like we'll have to have raw tea again.
(Proceeds to eat a teabag.)


Oh wow! My bike! I wondered where that had gone!


Classics!

Rick: Do you really need the light on?

Neil: Well, yes.

Rick: Why, what are you going to do, photosynthesize?



Please note, spelling and quotes might be a little bit not-quite-right, but you get the general gist of it.

What are you going to do in here, Neil? Photosynthesize?

Now you've hurt my bottom!

Can you actually kill yourself by overdosing on laxative pills, Viv?
I don't know, Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out.

This requires a fine blend of subtle psychology and extreme violence.

Oh look, a flying shark.

I know what that little dot means. It means something really heavy. It means there's no more telly, it's time to go to bed.

I wish we had a video so I could watch the dot in the morning.

Oh, have we got a video?

My Hamster, it'll take me six months to starve another one.

Neil, how are you keeping that flowerpot up?

"no, not my amplifier, jimi hendrix once pi**ed on that"

"no, no, im a driving instructor from johanesburg!"

"ah, coca cola, symbol of the free vest"

" little pigs, little pigs, let me come in...uncle jedsi wants to play with your entrails"

"polution, all around...sometomes up....sometimes down...but always...around"

"wow, if any one saw that they'd think it was a negative reality inversion"

"vivian! wahat are you doing with that howitzer?!!"

"oh great!! exploding bricks!"

"look out!!...cliff!!!"

"I hope Rick gets back soon with the cure."
"Nah, it's Madness this week innit?"

Extract from Young Ones Book.

Foreword, an apology.
The writers and publishers would like to apologise to any person/persons living and/or dead for any offencive material, any similarity is purly coincidental.

Four Words, an apology.
Im realy, realy sorry.

Mikes list of things sold to Neil
as "stash"

1/ Rabbit poo
2/ The brown bit out of a water colour paint box
3/ Oxo cubes
4/ The houses of parliament, (Neil still considers them to be his stash and as soon as he finds a rizla big enough he's gonna skin them up!)

definitions:

1/ Mind F**k= Having a penis inserted into your ear
2/ Total mind F**k= having an oily penis inserted into your ear

.....been a long time since i saw the book, if youve not read it then hunt it down...if a can remember more or find my copy then more quotes will follow.......
......just to add, as a 35 year old first generation Young fan, after many a drunken nite watching the complete series, over and over, the
Young ones are the shakespeare of the 1980's...if anyone dissagrees then thay are facist bully boys............cos im a wild eyed loner at the gates of oblivion.........and i havent even payed my fare......had enough nazi?...or d'ya want some more?

"'Ere, there's no chance of using your toilet, is there?"
"No."
"I thought not, that's why I p**sed in your garden."

You can't say that to me, I'm a well respected fictional character.

Neil, it's a bloody hippy, isn't it!?!

I bets you three turnips that in the next ten seconds both my legs drop off.

Don't worry, Neil, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Dearest Carrot, could you ever love a cripple?
No, I don't think so.

We could be the dirtiest students in the world.
Now there's a challenge.

Darling facist bully boy,
give me some money, you b*****d.

May the seed of your loin be fruitfull in the belly of your woman,
Neil.


"oohh lady da!!...look what ive got....all of Feicity Kendals under wear....and it needs a gooood wash!......."

"Bacon Sandwich?...thats a funny name for a ferret!!"
"Aha! thats where i fooled you!...you see its not a ferret...its a pig!!"
"Had enough nazi...or do ya want some more?!"

"See you, teddy bear...stitch that!!"


"does anyone want the last chick pea?"
"i didnt even want the first one!!"

Wasn't it Monk De Walley De Honc?

Daddy sends hugs.

Who's last words were: "Lawks a lordy, my bottoms on fire."

Well I'm alright 'cos my Daddy's bought me the Socialist Worker for my birthday.

Strange isn't it, Garibaldi? Starts out as an Italian revolutionary and ends up as a kind of biscuit.

"Thank god for habitat sofa coffins!"

"so, i was at this disco when this bird sez to me "Ere! are you Mussolini?" so i sez "Yeah!"...and she buts me in the face...so i sez "whats that for" and she sez.."thats for the invasion of crete!!"


"do you remember when u were young and u used to take of ALL ur clothes and wriggle about in the sand pit pretending to be worms?............OH Great...here comes Neil!!"

Do you know what the difference between you and a bucket of number twos, Neil?...Nothing.

Neil, my barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling.

Urrgh...bloody Hippy food.

Who's been gobbing in my lentils?...Sod this, let's go to McDonalds.

And I've spat on that, Vyvian, so I wouldn't advise you eat it.

My potion...It's a concotion that turns anyone who drinks it into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. It's really more a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac...But it's okay, 'cos I've put it in this can of Coke, so no one will drink it.

You know, I bet that later on some one does drink that and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.

Evangelical Christian: Behold, it is the beast made flesh.
Vyvian: Hello.

"oh no!! ill die if i miss scoobie doo!!"

"amazing...human beings the size of amoebas.."

Aw, that's beautiful, a Hippy Knight.

There's a twentieth century pad over there and they're giving away maidens...Here, have this ugly one. (Shoves Niel off the back of the horse and into the mud.)

I am an elephant you know.

Help, I've got no arms, I can't swim.
I can't even see.

"Dont look at me...Im irrelavent."



"Dont flush the toilet maaan, its only Neil"

".....Charly tango tea kettle barbacue...."

"rite, i wanna wash my smalls, an' i dont mean dip my tiddly's in a glass of water"

"get yer tongue out of rovers ear".....""i only wanna see what his brains taste like"

"...and the fgod voz different then...sort of crunchie"

"rite...you get mucker, tucker and sucker...ill get spaz...."

"nosin' around nosin' around"

"so, if you like you can chat to me at the poly....and i dont mean pick up my parrot!!"

..

I believe that the quote was: "But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot."

"And I should stress that you do have to have a degree."

Oh Cliff!
Sometimes it must be difficult not to feel as if
You really are a cliff!
When fascists keep trying to push you over it.
Are they the lemmings, or are you Cliff?
Or *are* you, Cliff?

Do you think that anyone gives a fig, Pig?
What's your favourite typer of gig, Pig?
Barry Manilow, or the Black and White Minstrel Show?

Pollution!
All around!
Sometimes up...
Sometimes...
Down!
But always....
Around!
Pollution, are you coming to my town?
Or am I coming to yours?
We're on different buses, pollution,
But we're both using petrol...







...bombs.