h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dude, when i saw the title of this, i thought it was something else. Check it out. I copied some of the stuff that had me laughing hardest.

When faced with the prospect of screwing, there are many choices to be made. Circumstances will often dictate some of these and screwing in an emergency, without the correct tools to hand, can produce horrendous results. When faced with a simple task, the temptation is to get on with the job immediately, without pause for thought. This is rarely a wise move, even for the experienced screwer.

Planning is important and must be done in advance. A well thought through strategy is a goodly step towards the ideal screw. Plans can, of course, be laid in a bar, or pub, but the general view would be that alcohol can impair performance, and the company may prove distracting, necessitating endless postponements of the planned screwing. The novice screwer should beware of tall tales of screwing successes from others supposedly more experienced. Alcohol tends to distort and exaggerate.

Here we are concerned with perfection, the ideal situation. A beautiful firm substrate awaits, and a free choice of equipment is available to the screwer.

Size is Very Important

A successful screw into brick is quite an achievement, and by far the most satisfying.

As has been explained, it is foolish and naive to jump straight into screwing without prior preparation. The result will be a very fragile screw with dissatisfaction all round, both for the screwed substrate, and the screwer, who will be left with a sense of frustration and lack of achievement.

The Hole

A hole must be dutifully and diligently prepared.

Should the screwing prove difficult, a little lubrication can assist matters.

After Screwing

Do not simply leave the scene as soon as screwing is complete. Be sure to tidy up afterwards. And always remember, however much screwing you have to do, the devil is in the detail. Preparation and care will be repaid a hundredfold.