h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two to get you going:

On being asked by Ted why he didn't shout out when Ted had fixed it so that Dougal's ticket (No. 11) won a raffle: 'Sorry Ted. I had the ticket upside down.'

And...

Dougal: 'What's happening?'
Another Priest: 'Well, we're stuck in a lingerie department...'
Dougal: 'No. I mean in general'

Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.

Dougal (holding teapot): Ted..
Ted: Not now Dougal
Dougal: Ted...
Ted: In a minute Dougal..
Dougal (camly): Ted.... I'm in terrible pain Ted...

Oh and

"They were only nuns"

About the nun staying in the house;

I suppose she's upstairs putting make-up on- to impress the lads.

Scary nun Sister Assumpta has come to stay at the house. Ted welcomes her, and she greets Dougal, and is met by a blank expression. She begins to list the 9 or 10 momentous events that took place at their last meeting... ''You got arrested for shoplifting, and taken to the Police station? And the station caught on fire? And you had to be helicopterd out..?'' All this is met by a blank expression and shaking head from Dougal. Sister Assumpta says, desperately ''You were wearing your blue jumper?'' At which point Dougal shouts ''Ahhh, Sister Assumpta!''

No the best is the,
Ted: Dougal do we have any inscence?
Dougal: There was a spider in the bath last week!

Can't remember which episode in fact i may have made it up, anyway..

Ted is dicussing religion with Dougal to which Dougal turns to Ted and says,

"But Ted I don't believe in organised religion"

I hate to be picky, but I feel obliged to correct that first entry:

Dougal: 'What's happening?'
Another Priest: 'I think Ted has a plan!'
Dougal: 'No, I mean in general.'
Another Priest: 'Oh, well, we're stuck in a lingerie department.'
Dougal: 'Ah.'

Oh and when the bottom half of Dougals tank top has unravelled:
'Ah! Ted! My tank tops turned into some kind of womans bra!'

Bishop O'Neil: So, Father, do you ever have any doubts with your faith?

Dougal: Well, you know how God created the world in seven days, and then he sent his son to save us and he went to heaven in his body, and when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop O'Neil: Yes, what about it?

Dougal: Well, that's the part I have trouble with.

*grins*
That sounds like me attempting to explain Noahs Ark... no-one can tell me what happened to the ants!

Dougal: C'mon, Ted, let's go see the fortune-teller.
Ted: Now, Dougal you don't want to go believing in all that rubbish.
Dougal: Ah c'mon, Ted. It's no more far fetched than all that stuff they taught us in the seminary about the afterlife and the second coming and all. You're not supposed to take it seriously.


Ted: Hah, women!
Dougal: Where?
Ted: No, I mean women in general, what can you do with them?
Dougal: Oh, right. But there are no women here right now?


Dougal: Ted, the old women are coming towards me like a big wave of strawberry jam...only it's made out of old women rather than jam.

Ted: No Dougal, these cows are *small*, and those cows are *far away*.

A great Dougalism, even if Dougal doesn't actually say it...

David.

Oh I love that one, my mother had to say that to me just the other day as I was failign to grasp the concept again
*grins*
Much like the Spider baby sketch with the Dreams and Reality board

"July 19th Ted? Was that the day the ice-age ended?"

Cant remember it exactly but here goes...

Dougal: Look at this blackboard Ted. It looks like an odinary blackboard but, watch this (rubs the words off)

Ted: Um, all blackbords do that.

Dougal: Really Ted?

Ted: . . . And the language she used, you would woldn't hear it from a docker!

Douagal: Ah, you would Ted, dockers use very bad language.





Ted: Next you'll be telling me you've been taking crack cocaine.

Dougal(Eyes staring madly): Ah c'mon Ted, crack cocaine?

Dougal: Do you remember when told me I could pray just by leaving the room?

Dougal: "Ted, did Len find the rabbits?"

Bishop Brenna: "What?.... What did you just say?... Don't call me Len you little prick!"

No words, but ...

Dougal looking vacant, sitting in the bath while Mrs Doyle washes underneath his arms.