Part 6
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
There was now no doubt in my mind that Redbeard attempted to assassinate Demon Drawer. While I was surprised at first (being aware of Redbeard's normally affable nature), I could no longer ignore the evidence. And yet, why was I surprised at all?
Redbeard's Cover-up
First, it is notable that Redbeard moved quickly. In what must surely be considered a stroke of genius, Redbeard concealed his guilt by overreacting to Demon Drawer's collapse.
Somebody call 911! Who do you call around here, anyway? Medic!!!!
Secret service? Bodyguards around?
DD, come on! *slaps face a few times, then realizes that it not only won't help, but will look bad*
Hmm... I think I need to induce vomiting.
*rushes to kitchen, gets some smelly garbage out of the trash, returns and waves it under DD's nose*
And because of his early eagerness to aid the police investigators (thus allowing him to throw them off his trail), he was originally left off the list of suspects. This is amazing, when you consider that numerous political candidates who weren't even there were implicated.
When Amy the Ant read Redbeard's statement and accused him of the crime without hard evidence, he said:
*laughing*
I'm sorry... I can't stop... it's just so... .
He must have found it very funny indeed. Amy's surreal explanation of Redbeard's methods (involving ventriloquism) gave him the perfect opportunity to make accusations against him look absurd indeed. Nobody dared accuse Redbeard after that, although he was discretely added to the suspect list.
Another Cover-up?
What is less clear is whether Celery or Webjello knew about Redbeard's actions. The team has painted themselves as a pair of do-gooders in a sea of candidates willing to bribe their constituents and kill off their opponents. If they were indeed aware of what Redbeard did, they are liars on top of being inscrutable candidates.
Unsurprisingly, there is no evidence linking Celery or Webjello to Redbeard's actions. It is interesting, though, that Redbeard registered another overly-eager remark to the authorities shortly after the event on the Celery's behalf. But he couldn't resist adding a personal jab to the remark.
The Celery asked me to convey his personal best wishes for the speedy recovery of Demon Drawer.
I, also, hope that DD recovers quickly. It's got to be a rough time for him, particularly since the doctors in
the ICU won't let unconscious patients have a Guinness.
It should probably also be noted that Celery has not been open about his connection to members of
S.T.U.M.P.E.D.1 These include two vocal supporters, Afgncaap and Garius Lupus. Afgncapp in particular invented a strange device that recently allowed him and several other people to take a pan-dimensional safari.
Could the alien goo have been procured or designed by the people at Celery-affiliated Crater Labs during their pan-dimensional safari? And if so, does that mean an actual conspiracy was underfoot from the beginning? Or could the discovery of the goo's properties have been an accident?
The timing of the gala event held for the Celery and Webjello campaign is also suspicious. The elaborate invent included a black-tie dinner, a dance and party, and a surprisingly sedate press conference where Demon Drawer was never mentioned.
What the gala did, beyond promoting its sponsors, was help the members of h2g2 forget Demon Drawer's poor health and the attempt on his life. Could the event have been carefully planned to take place shortly after the assassination? Or might it have been scheduled only after it became clear that Demon Drawer was not as dead as expected?
In the end, these are suspicions that must go unanswered. This reporter met nothing but dead ends while attempting to link Redbeard's actions to those of the Celery and Webjello. Even if the coincidences are a little much to bear, we must remember that it is entirely possible that Redbeard's actions were his alone. Perhaps he became power hungry in his zealous support of his favorite candidate, and took advantage of the other supporters. Perhaps nobody but Redbeard understood what he was about to do, or what he was doing to aid in the cover-up of his crime.
Conclusion
Of course, some portions of this report might be dismissed as violating the Law of Continuity. In my defense, I must mention that Redbeard himself is the Loremaster of the law. He operates under the so-called guidance of Asteroid Lil, the official Spin Doctor for the Celery and Webjello campaign. His familiarity with this cultural construct allowed him to plan his murder thinking he would not be caught at it.
And, of course, such laws of continuity are anathema to the profession of hard-core reporting. Indeed, how can anything be found out that wasn't already known when nothing that is not known can be reported as real? A strict interpretation of the law would have made it impossible for me to pursue the case in any manner whatsoever..
Nevertheless, I refused to allow an important crime to go unsolved because of Redbeard's scheming use of h2g2 standards. I feel I have provided evidence of such a hard-core and exemplary nature that my temporary deviation from the Law of Continuity might be forgiven. Of course, each reader must made a personal judgment on this matter.
Demon Drawer has offered his official response to this report.
Now I am fully recovered from events of recent weeks, and I hear that they've collared the person who did it. I'd just like to say thank you to all the friends, supporters and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri who sent their best wishes, and who helped hunt down the perpetrator of this heinous crime.
I'd also like to say that now I'm back all my fellow candidates will have to double their efforts if they are trying to outfox me. See you in the counting hall people. :-)
It is this reporter's hope that we can now all safely put the horrible events of Demon Drawer's attempted assassination behind us. The Demon Drawer and Joanna campaign will continue with renewed vigor, thanks to Demon Drawer's excellent constitution and quick powers of healing. And this reporter will, thankfully, take the rest of the day off.
