1-2-1
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
You will never believe whom I bumped into the other day! I was minding my own business, walking to market, when suddenly, as I rounded the corner, who should appear before me but the Great Fenchurch M. Mercury (Virtual Mayor of London). Not only did she appear before me, but she continued to lessen the distance between myself and her until the moment when she attempted to disprove the theory that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time. Needless to say this theory was not disproved and she proceeded to topple both me and her at the same time instead. Not ever being one to miss a chance to delve into the mind of someone so great, I took this opportunity to speak with her over a nice cup of tea, and the following is a recollection of what occurred on that sunny day on my way to market.
Monsy: My dear dear Fenchurch, do tell me a bit about how you came to be. I mean I know who you are now, but just how did you get from point A to point B? Tell me about the journey, what happened along the way which moulded you into the person I see before me today?
Fenchurch: Well, it goes like this... Nineteen years ago, in the tiny little town of San Diego, California (which, at that time, was, in fact, rather small compared to now), a tiny little baby was born. Actually, a lot of tiny little babies were born, but let's not get into the dynamics of it all. So I was born, at a hospital, in Southern California. Then a lot of stuff happened. I started to walk, talk all that good stuff. I learned to 'fake cry' at the tender age of one and a half, something that helped me immensely. By six, my personality had been permanently established. By seven I had reached the Age of Reason, a very significant occurrence in my life, as scientists are still trying to find out why I lost this sense of reason five years later. I didn't lose my last baby tooth until I was eight, making myself a prime target for jokes at school. Well that, and I had braces and was quiet, and the teachers would set me up for it by asking me to retrieve instructional items from their cars and such.
At fifteen I decided to develop a post-conventional sense of morality, thus allowing myself to do just about whatever I wanted without guilt. That was pretty cool. I still consider it one of my crowning achievements. This all took place in San Diego, mind you. That's important. It explains everything that the rest of this doesn't. At sixteen, I discovered what everyone else would discover when they turned eighteen or so, which is that you won't always get to live with your parents, and real life sucks. But then at seventeen I discovered that you will, in fact, always get to live with your more sane parent, and that life only sucks if you're boring and don't have fun with it. It was about this time that I decided to attend UCSD, which was great, because my saner parent lived about an hour and a half's ride away. Now I discover commuting is actually fairly enjoyable.
But none of this compared to what was by far the most important thing in my life - being elected h2g2 Virtual Mayor of London. The fact that so many wonderful people - the h2g2 public, would choose me as their fearless (unless it's one of those little spiders with the long skinny legs) leader uplifted my soul to an indescribable high. Thank You, h2g2, and h2g2 Londoners, for your undying support. Without you, all the improvements made in London wouldn't be possible. Let's Not Stop Now! Vote Mercury/Shatturday 2000! WOOO! I LOVE YOU ALL!
A small unidentified peasant runs up carrying a rather large neon sign while behind him even smaller peasants toss flyers brandishing a smiling Fenchurch with the words 'Vote Mercury/Shatturday 2000' printed underneath
Monsy: Fenny, wherever did you find those peasants and just how do you manage to get them to appear on cue like that??
Fenchurch: Do you like them? I saw them in a recent dream and just had to save them for just such a purpose. Of course, they're not wearing the gold bellbottoms or bright pink tarabishes, because it's just not in the campaign funds. As for how I get them to appear on cue... some things must be left a secret just to keep you on your toes.
Monsy: I see and fully understand! After all, who amongst us really wants to know everything? That would tend to make life quite dull now wouldn't it? OK, on with my questions: please do tell me how you came to be at h2g2?
Fenchurch: I found h2g2 a few days after it opened, by pure chance. I was avoiding work, twiddling my thumbs, and typing random words into the location bar on the browser. Out of pure inspiration, I typed 'www.hitchhikers.com', and it directed me here. Things would never be the same. ;) I love this site - because it is directed at fans of the book/movie/radio show/play/any other form of media it has been translated to, so there's already something to talk about. Furthermore, fans of such absurd things have a special, loveable quality! You all know what I'm talking about. It's like going to a Pythonathon.
Monsy: I must admit that I do. It is great now isn't it? Such sights and fun has never been had before. Speaking of fun my dear Fenchurch, tell me what you consider to be one of your most memorable experiences so far on h2g2.
Fenchurch: Well, it was late one night, an' h2g2 and I were both kind of silly, you know, drunk... there was no way h2g2 could drive home, not like that... do you really want to hear this?
Monsy: No, no, I don't think we do! As I stated before, some things are best left unknown just to keep things interesting. We will just skip over that and continue on with the great causes that you have been responsible for at h2g2, one of which is A.R.S.E (known by some as the greatest cause ever to date on h2g2). Could you tell me a bit about this cause and how it came to be?
Fenchurch: I love ARSE more than I could love a child.
Nameless the (former) running mate runs up, whispering advice
Fenchurch: Okay, never mind. I love ARSE as if it were a child. It wasn't, however, my idea. I found it dwiddling around in a forum under the article for 'Kissing', and I simply carried out the idea-man's ideas. :-) I haven't a clue where the original founder went, but he has my undying appreciation and respect. As for the fish, we all know that story. Much thanks to MadMunk for his egging me on to do it and spreading the popularity. Those poor fish have been through an awful lot. ><> I'm sure there are more I can't think of, and I'm sure there will be more to come. Like London, h2g2 is my pride and joy. It Shall Be Loved And Improved Upon Until One Day It, Too, Will Become The Perfection Douglas Adams Has Inspired Within Us All. (Vote Mercury/Shatturday 2000!)
Almost as if by magic a large hot air balloon with 'Vote Mercury/Shatturday 2000' floats overhead while a rather small peasant drops gold confetti and plays the bagpipes
Monsy: Isn't that just lovely? Fenchurch, I must admit that you have taken every advantage to ensure that you are not forgotten. Do tell what your future plans for your life as far as h2g2 is concerned are, I am sure I could guess but would like to hear it straight from the horses mouth so to say.
Fenchurch: As long as I will have some type of work to avoid, h2g2 will be by my side. As for any projects I decide to undertake, I must wait for The Divine Inspiration to point it's Divinely Inspirational Finger in the general direction of something which needs to be touched by my Divine Inspiration. Like London, so long ago. That city on the isle which has directed so much attention and love from me... (Mercury/Shatturday 2000!)
Monsy: I see that you are playing it close to the collar on this, I am sure that you will reveal all in good time though.
Fenchurch: Yes, one can never be too careful you know. We can't go spilling all the beans straight away or the meaning behind the message will become lost. I would however, if you don't mind, like to take this opportunity to thank the citizens of London, but even more than that - my dear friends, Shazz , Monsy , her lovely husband,NM, the wonderful TV's Frink (without whom protests would not be possible), Sporky (just for being Sporky), Zed (who still hasn't sent me my new car), Shorty (who isn't quite as short as once thought), Hypoman (real criticism and real eloquence), the old Running Mate (who has since left and returned to find her seat occupied by the ceaselessly wonderful Baron Shatturday (the crazed physicist who is only pardoned because he is also a crazed musician with a beautifully crazed demeanour) and was reduced to being the Minister of Height), all of my cabinet, and most of all, You. The Voter. Would You Like Me To Freshen Your Drink? Need A Light? Some Chocolate, Perhaps? You're Looking Mighty Nice Today. (Mercury/Shatturday 2000!)
As if on cue the fountain in front of us begins to flow while peasants dance about in perfect time to a catchy little tune and toss gift bags to all those passing by
