h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*As if this hadn't been enough, the space ship that Affy had called for has now arrived. Everyone is fairly surprised to see that it's The Draco, but all is made clear as soon as the Draco's Speech of Conquering begins*


Pathetic residents, you are now all the worthless servants of the ever expanding STUMPED Empire! Your lives are now pointless, and will exist only to serve the forces of evil! If only you'd known in advance the kind of trauma, terror, pain, and death that we have already caused elsewhere on the globe, you pathetic slaves!


*By this time, someone has managed to radio The Draco, and inform Minos that the city is not, in fact, entirely under STUMPED control yet. The people of the city all heard this message and gasp in shock as they realize the terror that they have unleashed upon themselves. But what of the weapons factories that won't be opening?*

*Affy sets up the Free Seaside Cafe, a place where residents of the city can come through and have any food they require for free, no questions asked. He gives the first free meal to the family that Sea promised would have weapon factories to go to*

Well, this is turning ot pretty well...

*GL enters the Cafe on the shoulders of a cheering mob of citizens. They are shouting:

HOORAY FOR THE TRUTH!
HORRAY FOR CHOPPERS!
HORRAY FOR GL!

There follows a big party with rousing speaches of thanks to GL and CHOPPERS for saving the City before it was too late. Reports trickle in all evening of STUMPED defeats.*

*Affy fixes himself a reuben, then goes outside*

Some other superhero do the closing credits. I'm going surfing.

*Affy heads out to find a decent wave*

Meanwhile, in Dirty Stan's Emporium of Luuurrvve...ly Pottery Accessories, to which sea has been led by the footprints, she spots her towel draped over a dirty three-legged chair. The only problem seems to be that dirty Stan is also sitting on said chair. He is covered in clay, hence the name dirty. He has a mean look on his face.

[Dirty Stan] Your weapons factories were set to turn this into a city of warlike people, with no souls and no need for Lurve...ly pottery accessories. Now I'm gonna make you pay!

He seizes a vicious-looking Lurvely clay scraper and advances towards her.

~a few warships leave the harbor~

oooooooh, that is SO unfair, affy.... *growls menacingly*

*sea raises her eyebrows at the dirty pottery guy*

[sea] you think you're going to incapacitate me with that little spatula?

*sea laughs in a rather condescending fashion, holding her stomach*

[sea] hahaha - STOP - hahahaha - no, really - hahahahahahaha - my stomach - hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA....

*sea finishes her laughing fit and wipes her eyes*

[sea] wow... best laugh i've had in ages. you can keep the towel, as you've kind of... well... *mockingly* you got it all dirty.

*sea crosses her arms and smiles haughtily at the dirty man (whose name i can't seem to recall!)*

*special edition newspapers are published around the world. their headline reads:

CHOPPERS on STUMPED payroll! truth comes out in LA!

*public opinion of CHOPPERS drops to an all-time low*

~3 C-130s take off from the runway a disapear over the horizon~

[Dirty Stan] Feel my Lurvely wrath!!

He starts to yammer and gibber wildly and, drawing back his arm, charges at sea. But just as he is about to get to her, sea is slammed in the back with a pair of clawed feet and flies across the room, her fall broken my a pile of lurvely pots. Suri-gara hands a few notes to Dirty Stan, and then casts off his big coat and mask, revealing him to be...you guessed it...Giguschild. He brushes the clay-dust off his suit. Dirty Stan crosses the room and locks the heavy wooden door, the only exit from the room (apart from up the firing kiln chimney, but since that is at a constant temperature of 3000 Farenheit, it's not too viable a plan.

Latest Headline: 'STUMPED aliens fathered my ugly baby'

After a series of inquiries, truth digging, fact finding, and interviewing, we have found no evidence of the fact that CHOPPERS is now or was ever on the STUMPED pay roll. The story that appeared in the newspaper turned out to actually be overblown ad space that was intended to resemble a newspaper article.

At a press conference with Afgncaap5, noted inventer and superhero, he stated that CHOPPERS had never been on the payroll of STUMPED. He left with two comments: first that we should just ask Minos Krylma, the leader of STUMPED who seems to have enough morals to prevent himself from lying, whether or not STUMPED ever paid off any part of CHOPPERS. Second, Afgncaap5 suggested that Choppers should "...go to B****** before they get into any actual trouble. Minos Krylma could not be reached for comment.

On a related note, Crater Labs, Inc., announced their new year-round intern E-102 "Gamma". "He's going to be interning in all of the standard job fields that a robot of his calibre is expected to know," said CLI co-manager Afgncaap5. "He'll start out by working with Chesworth in the Security department, and plans on doing some basic maintenance work some time next month..." (story continued on pg. 27)


*Suddenly, all of the STUMPED craft that were leaving are stopped by the Coast Guard. They are thoroughly searched, cleansed of anything illegal, and then left to slowly sink in the Ocean due to the absence of a crew and large holes appearing in their hulls and engines. The arrested crews are sent to a small prison orbiting Saturn, and all travel in and out of the city is stopped until all STUMPED related activity is out of commission*

one-post solution much?!

*sea is not terribly worried by the fact that she's locked inside a demented version of The Pottery Barn, because after all, she could teleport if she really wanted to. or turn into water and slide underneath the door. but since she has some pent-up agression built up (not to mention rage over one post solutions), she decides to stay and fight a while. she pulls out her lightsaber and twirls it in one hand. with her other, she beckons to the two heroes*

[sea] come and get it, boys...

[Dirty Stan] Be warned! I have the ability to break pieces of pottery near you, causing minor cuts and bruises! Have at you! *He seizes a pot and throws it to the ground near sea's feet, causing it to smash and cause her minor cuts and bruises* See!

[Giguschild] I have the ability to sit back and watch you two fight! Hmm...a clay-encrusted minor artisan versus a psyched-up, light-saber wielding and supernatural super-villainess? She'll never last!

[OOC]Please, allow me to thank you for letting me defend my ships, considering that the Coast Guard is no match even for one warship let alone a few. The Coast Guard in Hawaii consits of a couple dolphin heilos and maybe 3, at best, cutters.... Now saying that those few warships where magically one Destroyer, the weakest class of US Navy warship, it could still blow the hell out of all three cutters and the heilos, the coast guard hasn't a chance./



Harpoon Missiles are fired from a warship in the harbor, they impact into and sink all 3 Coast Guard Cutters. The Coast Guard Heilos are allowed to land since they are not able to carry weapons.........



[OOC]there we're even/

[Dirty Stan] Look over there! A...uh...flying...thing!

While sea is distracted, he lunges at her with a small rubber kidney-shaped tool.

*sea whirls around, then realizes she's been tricked. she does a backflip, landing behind dirty stan and kicks him in the back. stan flies across the room, breaking pottery and causing some minor cuts and slightly less minor bruises. sea inspects her cuts for foreign particles as stan tries to get back up, then waits for them to heal as he finally staggers to his feet. sea takes the opportunity to throw a rather large vase at giguschild's head*

Sorry about my one-post solutions. I've had a pretty bad day, and wasn't thinking clearly, so forgive those two breakings of the rules. Let's just say that they never happened (although, I don't see any reason why Yo's ships couldn't have blown up the entire Navy, I like that.)

i can totally understand that... hope you feel better, affy.

---MEANWHILE---

*more newspapers come out. their headlines read, "STUMPED: I told you so!" beneath is a story about how sea declared that afgncaap5 is one of her best-paid operatives. other stories include STUMPED stopping riots in south central LA*

*UH is sitting behind a type writer in tabloid hack mode*. He rubs his hands, and cracks his knuckles*

I could get used to this newspaper lark.

LATEST HEADLINE:
'KL: scientists belive this man to be the cause of 90% of all disease'