h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lieutenant Narg, just moments before opening fire on some deserving opponent, blinks and finds himself lying on a beach somewhere with a tiki shirt on. The sun is bright, a small yacht is floating about out in the sea. He takes in his surroundings, and recognizes a number of Mayhem, Inc henchmen strewn about over the beach - some in palm trees, some half buried in the sand, but all wearing tiki shirts. Obviously, something odd just happened.*

*Confirming his suspicions, a SCUD launcher comes streaking out of the sky, to imbed itself a few yards out from the shore. Following it closely is a small fireball that dunks with a huge SPLOOSH near the yacht, upturning it. A few minutes later, Kalia comes grinning out of the water, holding a wealth of conk shells and pearls*

[Kalia] Look what I found!

*Narg starts to respond, but his cell phone goes off*

[Narg] ...Oh, hey... No, I haven't a CLUE where I--...

*Just then, a hula girl dances by*

[Narg] --alright, you're not going to believe this...

*Kalia climbs up the SCUD launcher with one hand and perches on the highest protruding edge of it. She then starts trying to make a necklace of some sort from the shells, and pockets the pearls.*

*At one point, she glances up.*

I could use some coffee... ahhh, not yet.

*continues stringing shells*

(Obligatory links: STUMPED agents come from F1685908?thread=371672, Lieutenant Narg calling to F1709137?thread=360521)

*Narg continues on the phone*

[Narg] Well, what CAN I do in Hawaii?! ...Yes, I'll get back as quickly as I can! Why don't you try Khan, back at HQ?

*click*

[Narg] Cabana boy!

*k'pwing*

[Cabana Boy] Sir?

[Narg] Coffee for the lunatic on the SCUD, and a Margarita for me.

[Cabana Boy] Sir!

*k'pwing*

*Narg starts concentrating on a plan his quick return to Mayhem HQ, though to the untrained eye he's relaxing on the beach, taking in rays*

*k'pwing*

[Cabana Boy] Ms'droid! Your coffee!

[Kalia] Why thank yo... HEY! I wanted a frappuccino! A CARAMEL frappuccino! Does that look like frappuccino to you, or anything REMOTELY caramel?

[Cabana Boy] But... Sir said...

*Kalia drenches the Cabana Boy with the coffee. His expression becomes pained.*

[Kalia] Get rid of this trash and get me a frappuccino! Or at least a good Pepsi!

[Cabana Boy] At once! *scowl*

*k'pwing*

*Kalia scowls at the sharks nearby and wonders again what Kudos is up to...*

*Narg ponders to himself*

[Narg] Y'know, I don't remember if we ever did open those weapons factories we had created on these islands or not. CABANA BOY!

*k'pwing*

[Cabana Boy] You rang?

[Narg] You seem to have a coffee stain on your shirt. Here's ten thousand dollars. Buy a new one. And be a lad and find out if the STUMPED weapons factories built a couple years back have ever been opened?

[Cabana Boy] Yessir!

*k'pwing*

[Cabana Boy] Sir! The factories, sir, have all been taken over by the US government, and are producing arms for a war in Iraq.

[Narg] Well, we can't have THAT, now can we? Men!

[Mayhem Henchmen] Sir!

[Narg] Go liberate our factories, and be quick about it!

[Henchmen] Sir!

[Narg] And somebody get me another one of these margaritas, please!

[Cabana Boy] Sir!

*The Mayhem, Inc henchmen march off the beach, towards the city. A few minutes later, gunfire can be heard, punctuated by the occasional small explosion*

*k'pwing*

[Cabana Boy] Ms'droid! Your caffeine.

*He hands Kalia a super-sized caramel frappuccino and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi, then k'pwings outta there before Kalia can do anything to him. Kalia, however, seems delighted, and starts sipping on the frappuccino while trying to feed the Pepsi to the sharks. The sharks also seem delighted, especially since they've figured out that Kalia doesn't seem exactly edible.*

*A lone fisherman out offshore, pops open a 7 Up and starts drinking it, only to have his boat capsized by a frenzied shark and his person tossed like an old ragdoll. Nearby, on a Yacht with TV cameras pointed towards the action, two advertising agents stare at each other in disbelief. They then simultaneously flip through the script*

*The advertising agents are further surprised when a shark gripping an empty 2-liter of Pepsi starts acting like a dolphin in the water, with a droid girl treating it as such and riding it through the waves like a little girl.*

[Kalia] Hey Sharkie! Let's go after that boat over there!

*She points to the yacht with the agents on it. Sharky happily nods. Coming from a shark, that's just... scary.*

*'Jaws' theme starts playing*

*The two outboard motors on the yacht come to life, as the advertisers make their escape. Kalia looks disappointed until Narg waves at her and points to a Harrier jump jet with the American flag and a big red X hastily painted over it hovering above the beach*

[Narg] C'mon! We've done all we can here! I got us a way back; let's be off!

*Kalia pets the shark, who whines sadly, then swims off for shore. After seeing that there's not really any way to perch on the jet, she heads for the pilot seat. Narg glares at her.*

[Kalia] Can I fly it? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

*The pilot starts banging on the cockpit windshield, making all sorts of exaggerated signals and exclamations very much in the "no" category. Narg shrugs*

[Narg] You'll have to take it up with him!

*The pilot screams an inaudible scream, then hits the eject button on the co-pilot seat, with the intent of knocking Kalia off the jet. Meanwhile, several Mayhem Inc henchmen start strapping rope to the top end of the scud launcher and heaving to have it tip over*

*Kalia gets ejected forcefully from the cockpit, then falls back down through the windshield and onto the pilot. The pilot seems to be rather in pain; probably something to do with the fact that droids are NOT light.*

Okay, let's go now!

[Pilot] My spine!

[Narg] Well, that answer that.

*The mayhemites pull on the rope, toppling the scud launcher from its odd perch. Scrambling around it, they start it up and drive it along the beach to the new STUMPED airport. Narg follows close behind, with cabana boy in tow*

*Kalia starts punching buttons on the control panel. The jet fires up. A few moments later, it shoots into the air and starts doing loop-de-loops with absolutely no care as to who actually is on the jet, where the jet's going, or whether innocent bystanders are going to be hurt in the process. As usual, Kalia looks like she's having LOTS of fun. Too much fun, really...*

*loading the launcher in a C-130 on the tarmac, Narg looks and sighs*

[Narg] They REALLY need to invent tractor beams...