h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There once was a man named McSweeney
who spilt some gin on his weeney
not to be uncouth
he added vermouth
and slipped his girl a martini

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who liked it right up to the kidney
A man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?

I really like these limericks
Those crazy, rhyming gimericks
They look easy to write
But try some tonight
And you'll find that the last lines are often impossible

3

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose (insert comical monosyllabic anatomical feature here*)were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was no use at all;
But the other was huge and won prizes.
*I use 'ears'.

There was a young man from Tibet
(and this is the strangest one yet)
Had a member so long
So pointed and strong
He could skewer six yaks en brochette.

More information about yaks can be found
elsewhere on h2g2.

Lil

My favourite limerick was written by William Schwenk Gilbert (of Gilbert & Sullivan fame) and goes:

There was an old man of St Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp.
When asked, 'Does it hurt?'
He said. 'No, not at all,
But I'm jolly glad it wasn't a hornet.'

Very good on the Gilbert limerick.

Have you seen the movie "Topsy Turvey?" It is about G&S. I did not get out to it and I was wondering if it was any good.

No I haven't seen "Topsy Turvy" yet, but it sounds good. If you see it first, let me know what you think? (I'll do the same.)

My two favourites:

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who'd no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em
At tea at the vicars
She tore off her knickers
Because, she explained, she felt 'ot in 'em

and slightly more couth:
What a marvellous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
I'll be damned if I know how the hell he can

Phil

Three Dog Night had a great hit you could hum
Girlfriend hated; “momma told me not to come”
She said, “But I want babies!”
I said, “I’d rather have rabies”
So she left me and with George she had some.

There was a young lass from Glamorgan
who, when asked, "did the lad show his organ"
said "I’m not quite sure,
as I’ve never seen one before,
it was more like a flute than an organ"

A kinky piano teacher of Dover
Wasn’t ‘happy as pigs in clover’
He should’ve finger the keys
Not between students knees
So now he’s in jail, the lessons over

Another version --but one which leans to the opposite quality of physical blessing:

There was a young lady from Sydney
Who could take a prick well past her kidney
My young friend named Pons
Barely reached past her mons
So he failed to satisfy, didn' he??

I heard it as:

There was a young lady from Sydney
Who could take a prick well past her kidney
A man from Verdun
Put it up to her lung
Boy, he had a long one, didn't he?

3

JOTD: Doctors say that those who are cheerful resist disease better than those that are grumpy. I guess that means the surly bird gets the germ.

there was a young fellow named Keats
who enjoyed sniffing bicycle seats
for those used by men
he had no great yen
but for those used by girls he thought treats...

This one's due to either Kingsley Amis or Robert Conquest:

The first man to f*** little Sophie,
Has just won the Krafft-Ebing trophy.
Plus ten thousand quid,
Which for what the chap did,
Is widely considered a low fee.

Our local cinematic emporium
Was not only a sexual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium


from Archie

A man who grows hair on his chest
Has seldom the need for a vest
For the hair traps the air
In a thin thermal layer
De didditydiddity est

Come on you poets,put me out of years of misery
and write a witty last line

Another from Archie

A witty last line?

Howsabout
Hic insulatoratum est

(but somebody might be able to understand latin, and realize it's rubbish, so what about):

But medallion gets caught - it's a pest
or
And the ladies are always impressed
or
So M&S shares get depressed



Phil

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

3

JOTD: Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!