h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And (though it's not a movie per se) there's Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who appears to be played by Dick Van Dyke...

Even though there are a lot of women out there who would rather gnaw there own leg off than do so. I would prefer the cat...

So would I. At least cats in films are well-nigh indestructible. Kids meanwhile end up being too clever by half or getting a terminal disease...

(And, of course, the car always stops accelerating when it reaches maximum human running speed)

Super-villains, and their elite bodyguards, rarely wear body armour. Their headquarters always have self-destruct mechanisms, but rarely sprinkler systems (except where they might be most dangerous).

Anyone, (however young and fit), running full-pelt through a forest whilst being pursued a mummy or zombie, (however physically disabled) will always end up being caught. Usually, the capture is hastened by the victim tripping over a tree root, (though rarely actually spraining/breaking an ankle), and then lying transfixed on their backs, shielding their face with their forearms, and (if female), screaming and making vague running movements with their legs like a sleeping pet dog.

Whenever fighting off a massive assailant, it is acceptable for a woman to scratch the assailant's face. However, even if faced with imminent death, she is forbidden to stick her fingers in their eyes.

If one of the main characters in a film is blind (especially if female), there WILL be a scene somewhere involving all the lights being switched off.

Anyone (though usually a woman) witnessing a murder or serious robbery is at very grave danger of amnesia if injured in any way. However, this amnesia is never permanent, and the criminals, in an attempt to protect themselves, must continually try to attack this well-guarded and stunningly predictable target. (Of course, all witnesses in danger initially refuse help 'I want to get on with my life', but after the first (bungled) murder attempt, they reluctantly agree to protection)

Most monsters or aliens are designed with a weak spot, frequently on the back of the head.

Killer robots have an off switch, and are easy to reprogram (to kill their former master) using standard household tools.

Killer robots always have a single pair of forward facing eyes. I don't know about you, but if _I_ built the ultimate killing machine, I'd be tempted to put some eyes in the back of the head as well, or at least, fit a pair of wing mirrors.

It's possible to spend several minutes drenching a room in petrol, stand in the room full of vapours, and strike a match without being immediately engulfed in fire.

Whenever a vehicle crashes into a petrol station, there will always be somewhere downhill from the pumps containing a source of ignition.

Every paraffin lamp is guaranteed to explode into flames when dropped, usually at the foot of a tapestry or curtains.

A western-style log cabin with solid walls and roof a foot thick, and containing only a plain wooden table, chairs and a _very_ small curtain can nonetheless become completely alight within seconds of the said paraffin lamp being disturbed.


Digressing slightly :
A pet hate of mine is anything (all the way back from the present, through Shakespeare to Greek drama) involving
i) Twins (identical) Mistaken identity. Funny or sinister
ii) Twins (fraternal) Usually brother and sister, brought up seperately, who fall in love. These days, they'd be stopped just in time. In older tales, they'd probably end up committing incest, followed by suicide. (Good riddance)
iii) Men being mistaken for women, or vice versa.
iv) Long-lost relatives (usually connected with).
v) Wills or inheritances.
vi) Love potions (often with hilarious consquences)
vii) ANYTHING else with (...with hilarious consequences) in the description.
viii) (Just to make sure) ANYTHING INVOLVING BLOODY TWINS.

Hey - cats _and_ small children - we're back to 'Aliens' again. Get in there, Sigourney, and drag back women's progress another few years.

And Drusilla, played by Dick van Dyke's sister

Yes, where is Sigourney these days anyway?
(Suppose I should be asking this on IMDb, really, shouldn't I.)

And on a totally different topic, while we're on the subject of Things That Always Happen In Films, is there any mileage in a forum on Things That Never Happen In Films?

Like people getting their coat sleeves stuck on doorknobs for instance. And until Samuel Jackson produced his little bleepy thing (oo-er missus) in Jackie Brown, I can't remember ever seeing anyone lock their car door....

I like Anoraks...

Has anyone seen the Horrible american series USA High (I think) Where they're supposedly at school in paris. Staring Dick Van Dyke and His evil satan devised offspring, as Ashley, the nice little english girl...

Nobody ever pays properly for a drink in a bar. They may leave a note, but none ever waits for their change...

Hey folks, there's been a terrific response to this and the Cliche Film Quotes. I've begun a compilation, and there's already more than enough for two Guide Entries. I propose to submit them as a joint effort so you'll all get a credit, well done so far, everybody!

Onwards...

TVs and radios have an uncanny ability to sense what the person who's just switched them on needs to hear (or doesn't want the other people in the room to hear, depending on the plot). As the bank robbers kill time in their hide-out, for example, they will turn on the TV/radio just as the announcer is saying "We interrupt this programme to bring you news of a daring bank raid where two men were killed earlier today..." Someone will say, "Hey, turn that up!" and they will all crowd round to hear news of their fame. If, however, they are holding the owners of their hide-out hostage, one of the robbers will say, "Hey, turn that off!" The hostage will turn wide-eyed to the villains and say "My God! It was you, wasn't it? You killed these men..."

The guy-on-the run in a stolen car will pull into a lonely gas station where the bored attendant is reading the paper. There will be a picture of the guy-on-the-run, alongside an article describing why he's wanted for murder, in the paper. Only after the attendant has filled 'er up, wiped the windshield and sent the guy on his way will he spot the resemblance to the newspaper picture. He will then get on the phone to his cousin, who just happens to be the Sherrif.

It's possible for a group of more than 4 people to leave a bar to go to a different bar, or to see a film, without spending the previous hour arguing about where they are going to go, or what they're going to see.

When they do leave, everyone will have finished their drinks simultaneously.

When people leave a restaurant, they can catch a waiter's attention immediately to ask for the bill.

Women with Big Hair never need to have it fixed, as they wake up afresh every morning with that just-been-to-the-salon look. Likewise for makeup.

People rarely have trouble finding parking spaces, and don't get lost, even when driving in an unfamiliar city.

Someone sitting in an unfamiliar car, even in the dark of night, doesn't spend ages fumbling for the doorhandle when they want to get out.

cars always start first time, even on frosty mornings...

AHH, Mr Bond, you have foiled me for the last time
I have you in my clutches and will now come up with a clever, but over elaborate, way of disposing of you.
While you are (delete as appropriate)
>Strapped to the table
>submerged in large tank of water
>wrestling the great white shark
I will explain my plan for world domination and retire.

DAMN YOU BOND, you escaped.............

And if the car _doesn't_ start the first time, it has a bomb in it.

Unless the driver is being chased, and needs to get away quickly.

Likewise, keys - unless under time pressure, people never have problems selecting the right key from among a large bunch, even for an unfamiliar lock.

To be obvious, they never go to the lavatory either, except if the pan is booby trapped with a bomb or to provide a scene for the serial killer to make a murder attempt.

I would like to stress, that my previous comment has nothing to do with cars starting in the morning

You're right Orcus, cars never go to the toilet in films. Or indeed in real life.

People do sometimes go to the toilet in films, to be fair, but never for the most basic reason. Usually they go there to have passionate sex, make a drugs deal, hide from psychotic gunmen or overhear some information which will be vital to the plot in about 45 minutes time.