h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Because directors often assume the filmgoing public is dumb (and sometimes dumber), they often use cliched shortcuts so that the really hard of thinking are still able to follow the plot. Or they play around with reality a bit so that all the parts of their cliched movie will fit nicely together at the end. Here are some examples:

The hero, his girlfriend, his sidekick and a dog are trapped in an encroaching death situation. This can be walls closing in, water rising, or whatever. The action cuts away frequently to the rescue attempt. Each time we cut back to the deadly chamber, the walls will be further apart than they were before.

A hospital, what is it? Directors assume that if we only see shots of corridors with patients being pushed around on trolleys, people shuffling about in dressing gowns with bandages on, and doctors and nurses shouting medical instructions to each other, we still won't have twigged we're in a hospital. So at the beginning of each scene, there's always a tannoy announcement like, "Doctor Jones - go to surgery" just in case we missed the point.

Whenever there's a bomb, there's also a big red timer counting down to zero. We know the hero will cut the blue wire with 2.38 seconds left and save the world. But whilst in the early stages of the countdown, we see more time has elapsed on the red timer than has elapsed in the movie, when we get to the last thirty seconds, it always takes about two minutes of real time for the hero to do the business.

All action movies end with an almighty punch-up or shoot-out. The hero usually sustains worse injuries than the villain, but good must triumph and so the villain is taken out by one of the lesser hits. As the villain lies on the ground, the hero does not kick his gun away, handcuff him, or make SURE he's dead, but staggers over to get a hug from his girlfriend who says stuff like, "Thank God it's over", or "I'm so glad you're still alive." The audience knows better than to breathe easy, though, because the villian always comes to life again with deafening orchestral chords, and despite massive internal haemorraging and having both his legs blown off, jumps on the hero one last time.

Any more...?

Its always windy whenever the pretty girl has to look into the sunlight, or wave goodbye to the Hero, or whatever. See it can't be romantic unless her hair is all fluffy.

A man and a woman who loathe each other will end up in bed.

The small, inoffensive man turns out to be able to beat the cr*p out of anyone.

English accent = baddie (non-English movies only, obviously).

Unless it's Hugh Grant.

The pretty girl will have an unatractive best friend that she can tell all her secrets too, thereby explaining the plot for the particularly dumb. However I won't knock it, 'cos If i ever get into films i feel that will be my own particular niche. This friend must also have glasses, bad hair and a liking for books... oh god it is me!!

The unattractive girl always gets killed first. Or the particularly stupid.

Oh, yes of course, just so the pretty one can scream lots!!

And because being killed is such an appropriate punishment for not being pretty!

Might just be me, but I think Willow turned out all right in Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

The booky girl is often the one who only has to take off her glasses and let her hair down to be stunningly attractive. Of course, no-one had seen the potential before she does so.

When anyone hears a noise whilst they are in bed,its raining cats and dogs outside, and unvariably its a woman with a flimsy nightie on,
they go downstairs to check it out.Its always dark and they take either a torch or a candle with them instead of switching on the lights.
Now everyone know that if you hear a noise in the middle of the night
you DONT do that .you usually end up hiding under the bedclothes trying to ignore it.
Also if a man is with the woman she hardly ever wakes him up to check the noise out.If she does he says "Go back to sleep darling its probably only the wind"

Yes, you're right of course. Pardon the radical-feminist-slip of my tongue...

Come to think of it, there's Halloween as well - where everyone gets killed except the bookworm.

Buffy isn't really the home of film cliches, and the booky one who takes off her glasses etc, is never the ugly best friend too, thats a different cliche, unless its the ugly duckling becomes prom queen type of film. I learned what sort i was at 17 (actually at about12, but i couldn't resist the song quote)

You did spell "Prom Queen" correctly, I trust?

Get some work done, girl. You don't seem to have done anything but cruise these forums all afternoon.

Spiny,
If you are referring to me-well I jsut don't care,I have nothing to do as I am waiting to be paid off (redundant you know)
I might as well get some fun in now before the dole queue looms!

I think he was refering to me DF, and no, I have nothing better to do, i have no life no friends and unlimited free computer access until 9 pm, when I shall drag myself in a lonley fashion up to my empty room and wallow in self pity. Satisfied??

Oops

Hey girls, didn't mean to upset anybody

Sorry to hear about the 'R' word and the lonely flat scenario.

Actually, it's me who's avoiding doing any work. I hide away in this little quiet office whenever I can since I don't have a computer at home and feed my addiction to this site. But I can handle it, honest I can. At least I'm not using one of those movie computers running no software program anybody's seen before and making bleep noises every time the cursor moves, just like it does in real life. (Think I got away with that... )

I like the way in movie computers (oh and I've been away honest!) when you search the web, ie in Mission Impossible which was on the Telly here the other night, you only get the answer you want, or if you look wrong you get answer not found, instead of a pile of shite that has nothing remotely to do with what you're looking for. I want that search on my PC!

How about computers made with alien technology that are nevertheless hackable by spotty geek in the fourth grade?

Laser printers that spew out the first page immediately the print button has been clicked?

Printers that work??

I'm sorry. They always work for me. I'm the bloke they call in when it doesn't work.

Thus, due to one of the Universal Laws of Life, when I arrive the printer behaves perfectly, enabling me to say something infuriating like 'It seems fine to me.'