h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've got nothing against cyclists using the pavement - if there's enough space, if they show due care and attention, and if they are prepared to get off and walk in areas where there are so many pedestrians that it isn't practicable to ride. As a former cyclist myself, I know there are sometimes no alternatives to careful and thoughtful use of the pavement. I don't have an issue with this so long as it's done with care and consideration.

Some intelligent local councils - I saw this while at uni in Norwich - have actually marked very wide pavements with designated cycle lanes, so that there's one lane for bikes and one for people, which is sound practice and which doesn't sacrifice any road space for bike lanes.

But then you get the selfish gits, the assholes, the cycle riders who are a pain in the bum (let's not pretend: riding a cycle does not confer moral superiority and there are bike riders who would be selfish gits as road users whatever vehicle they chose). And they're not all young, either, and they tend to ride their bikes on the pavement when there is no earthly reason why they should not ride it in the road.

I tend to find myself confronting, or playing a sort of Russian roulette, with the dickhead pavement cyclists: loudly shouting at an oncoming cyclist "I am not getting out of the way for YOU. Choose!" and making it clear he has three choices: (i) ride the thing around me: (ii) ride it on the bloody road where it properly belongs; (iii) get off and walk it.

In extremis, a well-timed elbow (causing them to wobble) has reinforced the lesson; Herself has used a swung bag to similar result.

What do other people do and what could they suggest?

I type this as a cyclist, motorist and pedestrian that - generally speaking - reckons sticking to the rules is more or less the best thing for everyone concerned.

For cyclists dumb enough to use the pavement - or cycle with an iPod in their ears, I mean why deprive yourself of one of your senses voluntarily? Would you choose to cycle with one eye closed? - I propose an extension of one of the rules of the caledonian sport of shinty.

Quite magnificently, it states that any player breaking any one of the rules isn't protected by any of the others.

If applied to football, it would mean any player wandering offside could be thumped with impunity.

If applied to real life, one could carry a walking stick and happily stick it through the spokes of any cyclist selfish enough to invade the pavement. Or hurl it through the window of a motorist turning into a road you were crossing if they weren't indicating...