h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh Lord - the family party!
Well, let's start with the fundamental plan of solving a few problems - if you do not have a significant other, get yourself a date, or start stashing away for that hired one!
This will make things for the party organiser easier, as you are bringing someone along to help out This will also solve the "Are you courting yet?" question.
To "Haven't you grown?" or similar questions - "I'm wearing boots, but you're looking younger"..That should keep those aunts smiling.
Aaah..topics of conversation; read-up on the latest music, movies, computers/computer games and breaking world news. If that doesn't cover the generations, nothing will!!
If you are stuck with buying a round for the group - suggest a round of shooters. Alternatively, bring alcohol with to the party...this will solve your problem.
Looking after elderly people is not that hard - 3 methods will suffice: 1. knock them out with alcohol, 2. bring along a board game to play, or 3. put on an interesting movie/documentary.
Looking after children is similar: 1. knock them out with alcohol, 2. bring along a game consol for them to play, or 3. put on an animated movie

Now remember that significant other you arranged for in forsight? Well now she/he comes in again to solve your final problem - what a great distraction she/he will be for those relatives you just don't want to talk to, giving you time to slip away to chat to those that you really want to see!
I think that solves all your problems for The Family Party - job well done!

I would aggree, looking after old people isn't that hard, but they tend to talk alot, even when they're drunk. If you gave them too much to drink the party might suddenly come to a halt. Anyway, if you couldn't be bothered talking to them, make sure you've given the kids present, lots of sugar and other energy-boosting substances, and yes, some alcohol to top it. When granny grabs a hold of your arm very willing to share her lifestory with you, for the fiftieth time, start mumbling alot. Mumble about yourself and how hard life is and never ONCE ask how she's holding up. She'll grow tired pretty soon, so you can pass her onto the closest victim. Go and find the people you WANT to talk with. If perchance you get hefted by the people you DON'T want to talk to, start mumbling about yourself while staring at their left ear, while now and then point to a point where you want to go, and hope for the best. If the kids become too much I would suggest stungun, or one of those dog-collars which deliver a little electricity when you push a remote button. I've never really tested that out, but the mumbling works really well.

I'll laugh when your younger relatives start practising all this on you when you're older!!!

Besides, if I'd brought alcohol to a family party my grandmother would have drunk it well before the party got really started....and then start singing rude songs. I found that hugely good fun as a teenager, mostly because my parents were mortified....

Yes - that's often a good standy - the strong tie between the next generation but one (your grandparents or grandchildren can prove surprising allies!)

standby!

If you can - STAY SOBER!!(I'm a diabetic, so I'm not allowed alcohol) Those who descend into alcoholic hazes actually become amusing - the host who is precious about his records/CD's suddenly using them as frisbees.I managed to convince one member of our family that he'd been banned from other such gatherings following his alcohol-induced antics for about a year - such fun!!

Remwmber, if you're driving you can leave at anytime, pleading headache, forgot to put the cat/dog/hamster out, I have to work early in morning etc.

Well now that I think about it, the alcohol may have been a bit harsh - I like the tun-gun idea better!!

Whoops...make that STUN-GUN.