h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*KL acks as he looks at the monitor*

KL-Do you have a kill switch or some remote method of turning them off? They keep pestering that poor dragon.

They want to come home.
*thoughtful*
You called that tunnel a gauntlet, which should mean there's an exit in the other direction. if I try to send them away, would they find an exit, and would they be able to find their way back from there? It would be terribly awkward if they hit a rift. They can be quite relentless about homing.

[Ray looks back toward the entrance, judging the distance, the timing, the size of any space that *isn't* being blocked by the dragon, and his own exhaustion.]

*Minos shakes his head*

KL-No, no not like you think. The gauntlet does have an exit: the chamber at the other end of it is perfectly safe and provides new ID cards. However, that chamber doesn't have any easily accessible entrance to elsewhere that wouldn't involve going through miles of ductwork, ventilation shafts and other assorted places that might cause an explosion directly under our feet.

Then how do the contestants get out?

*considers the consequences of mecha-locusts getting into the ductwork*

Is the mecha-dragon completely blocking the exit, or is it merely filling up most of the space?

It would be a very tight squeeze, methinks.

*Corrupt manages to get back to her feet, and valiantly attempts to move the dragon by tugging on its tail. The dragon splutters and sneezes into the Gauntlet, which is probably getting very warm and uncomfortable.*

Come on dragon... out you go...

*One last, massive, fiery sneeze sends Corrupt and her dragon halfway across the Stadium.*

...ow. Pain... agony...

*Watches the monitor from the cushy safety of the control room box seats and whistles to himself*

KL-I'd hate to have to avoid all those fireballs now...

*He turns to the vendor*

*And after turning to the vendor, he actually says something, as if his writer hadn't just accidentally hit the Post Message button too soon*

KL-To answer your question, they get out the same way they got in. Through a gauntlet.

*the mecha-swarm heads for daylight and flies around the stadium before returning to the porthole in the vendor's box*

So. A Moebius gauntlet, sort of like.

*the vendor shuts the porthole on the box and heaves a sigh of relief*

[Ray manages to avoid getting hit directly, though he does look rather singed. He then starts running back out towards the entrance.]

*A series of panels rocket downward as Ray tries to move through, attempting to crush him as he nears the exit. And let's not forget the fire-wall that shoots up from a grating below*

KL-Moebius? Oh, dear me, no. That's fancy, but inefficient for what I needed. They just run through the gauntlet to get to the end, then they run out again over the same terrain, tripping different traps along the way.

its like finding hundreds of rakes scattered over the lawn in the dark
possibly they are covered in leaves or snow but they are still there waiting for you to step on them and be comicly humiliated

[Ray runs with supernatural speed, outrunning the panels and taking a flying leap over the flames. There is something unsteady about his gait, however, and he nearly stumbles as he lands.]

*peering at the monitor past the KL's shoulder* When that fellow gets out of there I'm giving him a free hot dog.

*The Krylma Leader watches as a final trap, a wormhole surrounded by a membranous energy field, phases into reality before him. Pseudopodical tendrils grow from the energy membrance and rocket towards Ray as he nears while the wormhole itself begins to expand, filling more and more of the egress*

KL-Why yes, yes I do believe a free hot dog would be warranted. This Ray fellow, if he survives, will have demonstrated the ability to go through situations that No One Could Have Lived Through without leaving a corpse behind and returning to be a thorn in some hero's side again later. That survivability, while not inherrently villainous, is at the heart of succesful supercriminal activities everywhere.

*The Krylma Leader notices a new person, a Dr. Anthea*

KL-Oh, hello there Dr. Anthea! Welcome to the Hazing Chamber. Would you enjoy joining our league of villains? We're one of h2g2's oldest and grandest institutions. If you can survive the initiation for three days, then you'll be allowed to run the gauntlet and claim a membership card, with all the benefits and privileges that come with being a force of villainy in the world! As for a field of rakes in the dark...we've never employed that method of initiation, but it's one that, I believe, we should consider. Perhaps if we ever revisit the Albuquerque initiation process, we should add that to it. ...yes, yes that would be an ideal method, methinks.

*watching Ray on the monitor* He's going to need a change of clothes as well, I reckon.

[The wormhole and energy tendrils give him pause.]

[Ray] Okay ... here we go!

[He activates Bullet Time, speeding up his perceptions to bullet-dodging levels, and he makes a mad dash past the wormhole, shielding himself from air-friction with psychokinesis. He has to duck and lean in an awkward position at his closest point, starting to lose his balance ...]

I'm not new I've been here a while just watching from the shadows
as head of the Assassins guild I don't think I'm inherently evil,
we just do "clean up"

KL-Heh-heh-heh-heh. No, of course not. You're absolutely not evil. Keep reminding yourself of that, and let the dark side grant you more power still.


Why does Ray ever not have his bullet-time on? Seems like, from a pure survivability standpoint, constantly having bullet time active would be well worth the confusion.