h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Ray manages to grunt out] Just might be ... what the doctor ordered.

*The Krylma Leader arches an eyebrow*

KL-Which doctor would order that?

not me,
I'd have them on some nice warmish low protein gruel


Mmmm gruel...

*assembles a hot dog with sauerkraut, a side of fries, a few sachets of ketchup and a few complimentary deep-fried locusts, packs everything into a handled paper bag, and uses the tongs to place the bag next to Ray*

There you go. That acceleration whatsit must burn a lot of calories all at once.

[Ray manages to get into a sitting position and stay there. He looks up at KL.] if I know. Do we even have doctors around here?

[He peers into the paper bag.] Are those ... deep-fried locusts? Hot diggity, I had just the best deep-fried locusts that one time ... [His expression suddenly sours.] ... I went to ... Bangkok.

[He shrugs and takes a hearty bite of deep-fried locust] Mmm, ooh yeah, you got them *just* right. High point of my trip ... not that THAT says much ...

[He suddenly gives the vendor a suspicious look.] Say, you wouldn't be *from* Bangkok, would you?

Them in Bangkok, they do a sweet-and-sour deep-fried locust as I recall. I come from Bognor meself, and I put a bit of honey in the batter and finish 'em with a light spray of malt vinegar. Must taste a bit similar.

Here, I forgot the free mecha that goes with complete meals. *opens another hatch just slightly and grabs the first mecha-locust that tries to escape, snaps the hatch shut, wraps a twist-tie around the thorax to hold the wings shut and gives it a small sheet of paper to nibble on as she tosses the small bundle down to Ray*

Get that paper away from it -- it's some basic whistling instructions. Enjoy.

[When the vendor answers Ray's question, he relaxes in such a way that only now draws attention to the previous tension. He catches the mecha-locust and takes the paper away, looking it over]

Well, thanks, I guess. [puts them down and starts on the rest of his meal]

*The Krylma Leader, meanwhile, is looking over a roster*

KL-To answer your question, Ray, we have over three dozen doctors of one sort or another in STUMPED, and we have a few hundred in the Krylma legions.

*half to himself, as she tidies up the top of the box* Mind you, I've been to Bangkok, when I got meself a temporary license to sell refreshments at a kick boxing championship. The locusts and samosas sold well, but I was mugged when I left the service entrance. I'd have lost this here IC vendorbox if it weren't for the mecha-locusts.

Destroyed the evidence, they did, in a manner of speaking. I left for good the next morning.

*gains altitude and looks around* What happened to that young woman that was with you?

[Ray nods to KL, and speaks with his mouth full.] Yeah, I 'unno wha' I'm wisecrakhing abou' haff the time.

[He swallows, and gives the vendor a "So that was YOU" sort of look, then shrugs.] Sounds like you missed most of the ... [flatly] fun. As for what's-her-face ...

[He glances at where the wormhole is still(?) doing wormholey stuff.] ... I'd say she's, uh, missing out on other kinds of fun. I dunno, that sounded better in my head.

[Ray gets to his feet; apart from obvious clothing damage, he doesn't show much sign of his earlier wounds. (Scans will show that it's not exactly a healing factor; more that his body's simply going " you!" at his injuries.)] So, now what?

*The dragon makes an enormous sneeze, and both dragon and Corrupt rocket off to destinations unknown.*

EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

*Sol strolls back into the arena as the Corrupt One whistles by overhead. She is munching on one of Matina's Greek pastry things that one day she will learn how to spell the name of, and looking all of her thirty *cough* years again, now with milky sick stains as well as baked beans smeared liberally over her top. The STUMPED id is pinned proudly next to a particularly lurid mixture of the two*

So that wormhole goes to the Atelier. Who knew?

Who can I kill? I haven't slept for a month.

*runs a cleaning cloth over the surfaces of the box, carefully avoiding eye contact*

[Ray has fully recovered by now] That's what I wanna know!

Well, there's always the dragon...

*The dragon seems to be missing at the moment. However, those who look for trouble shall never be disappointed -- the ground seems to be rumbling rather loudly, and the distant shape of a tank of some sort can be seen on the horizon.*

*the vendor gains altitude and backs off toward the stands*

I'll be right over here, if any of youse should be needing refreshments.

*The Krylma Leader sees the tank only because the dragon has encouraged him to look at the horizon*

KL-What? Hmmm...

*He pulls a spyglass out of his cloak and looks at the tank more carefully*

*A cartoonishly-sized bullhorn pops out near the top of the tank.*

[Kudos] Hello Krylma! Now that your Stadium is largely out of order, I think it's the perfect time for me to TAKE OVER ALL OF STUMPED! Mwahahaha!

*The bullhorn snaps back inside and a large quantity of cannons and guns pop out instead.*

*The Krylma Leader puts the spy glass away and glares at the approaching tank*

KL-That alien dares to invade?! Activate...THE TANTALUS RAY!

*A worried looking turtle-class Krylma scientist approaches and cautiously whispers some things to the Krylma Leader*

KL-It takes HOW much power to repair the initiation field? ...diverted through WHERE? ...I see. ...so...two weeks? ...well if I can't have them fire the Tantalus Ray, then what rays CAN I have them fire? ...ah.

Activate...THE ERIC EVARI RAYS!

*A series of small blasters emerge from the side of the Arena and begin firing a large number of tiny energy beams at the slowly approaching tank*